Twelve Drummers Drumming

‘Twas the Fight before Christmas, when all through the Tower

Every person was stirring, because now is the hour.

The stipulations were given, with the finest of care.

In the hopes that those booked would soon all be there.

The roster were nestled all snug in their suites,

While visions of combat put the fans in their seats;

Miss F in her office, and I in my own

Both incredibly hopeful that this card sets the tone.

The main event could be the best fight you’d  seen.

Of Preston and Moore, verse Watson, and Warstein.

That you’d rush to your remote, and then press record

Or at least order the blu-ray from your preferred store.

To watch as Sahara and Raven give it all

Or to revel in the Apathy/Paul Montouri brawl.

Or perhaps that its Michelle versus Toddy Tabor,

That fans have paid handsomely and would gladly pay more.

Or perhaps Druscilla versus Austin Ramsey

Is the real stipped up fight they all came to see?

Of course there is Granger, versus our own Anne Boleyn

We’re so excited for that one, can’t wait till it begins.

Of course that’s not all, It’s barely half way.

Let’s get to the rest that will for sure make your day!

We have Aiden Reynolds versus Chronic Chris Page,

And also Dave verus Ricky in a gingerbread cage!

A foursome so fearsome that we’re honestly torn

Will the winner be Enforcer? Eoin? Swan? Winterborn?

What about Knight versus Ashlynn Cassidy?

Which Mrs. Claus do you all think we’ll see?

And of course, when it comes to Fight’s VIP,

We can’t forget Mia’s love, Joe Montouri.

He’ll try to win the chance to lose his Queens title

In a Candy Cane Match with Jen Fenix, Delightful!

So let’s end this poem, and start the night off right..

Happy Holidays to all, now let’s fucking FIGHT!

The OCCHI system stand alone drones whip around the arena, showing the Fight Fans on their feet, all of them on their feet and excited for the show to come. The drone footage than bursts up the middle of the crowd, and lands on the announcer booth which is located inside the stands, and not by the ring. Ok? Damon Riggs is wearing a red suit with a green tie and white shirt, while J. Michael Brilliance is wearing a full on Elf outfit complete with bells on his triangle shaped collar and the most realistic Elf ears you have ever seen.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Seasons Beatrings!! As always, I am Damon Riggs and joining me is my partner, Snowflake the Elf!!

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: This isn’t funny at all. You were supposed to dress up like an Elf, too. I saw the memo. Your name was on it.\

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: It was yes, but seeing as I wrote it and put it in your office, I felt it was ok for me to ignore it.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: …you son of a bitch.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Calm down, Frosty, this is a holiday show.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: And what a show it is!! This is one of the most stacked cards we’ve seen since…well the last card!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: And we have several surprises in store, Including a visit from Santa himself!!!

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: SANTA!!! I KNOW HIM!!!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: So let’s get right to the action!

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: …i can’t believe you did this to me…

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Don’t you have a baby doll to build?

Eleven Pipers Piping

Joe Montuori (c) vs Jennie Fenix

FIGHT! NYC QUEENS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Joe Montouri (with Mia) and Jennie Fenix make their way to the ring at the same time, handing out gifts to the fans as they do. Reaching the ring, they both enter and don’t even look at each other, instead look to the turn posts where Candy Canes are hung from poles extending beyond the posts normal height by a sizeable difference. Jen and Joe both look confused as to how they are going to reach it, when the FIGHT screens light up with Miss F, curled up by a fire with a glass of wine, displayed on every TV in the building.

Miss F: This match is something special, fight fans. All four posts have candy canes on a pole. As you can all see, there is quite a bit of height to those poles. How can someone possibly reach them? Simple. If you can’t get to what you want, make what you want come to you. How you’ll accomplish that is simple. Every time someone is irish whipped into a corner, that pole will come down a bit. It happens enough times, and that bit of candy becomes reachable. First one to claim 3 walks away the winner, and the loser remains our Queen’s Champion. Good luck.

Joe and Jennie immediately ran at each other, and began, almost instinctively, attempting to push the other toward a turnbuckle. At almost the same time, both realized it would take some work for this to happen, and the offensive portion of their battle plans kicked into high gear.

Jennie, who was fighting for the chance to not embarrass herself and her sister by bringing a belt like the Queens home with her, and Joe, who wanted nothing more than to impress Mia, who was cheering him on at ringside. As the two battled to get the other worn down enough, both of them had the same idea at the exact same time. And each ran at a corner, and threw themselves into it.

And the poles lowered. 

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Interesting strategy.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Won’t last for long. I know Joe, and he’s not going to damage the back he uses to love Mia with.

The crowd cheers as Joe and Jenny continuously throw themselves at their respective corners, finding that the pole lowered more the harder you did it. The two competitors fell over, grasping at their backs with one hand, but each with a candy cane in their other. The scoreboard, because there is one for this match, lit up with one for each. And they each walked to the corner to their right, looking to do so again. But as Jenny prepared herself to run toward the corner, Joe followed closely behind and damn near took her head off with a clothesline. 

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: And there it is.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Dave missed but Larry Hit! Get it? Larry Hit? Lariat?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: That was literally the single worst thing you’ve ever said.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: This why we’re not friends outside of work?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: We’re about to not be friends at work, either.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: At least I didn’t make you dress like this.

The pole lowered twice, but not enough. Joe, thinking quickly, began to stomp at Jennie, working her over until he felt confident enough to attempt the next move. Lifting her up and sitting her on the turnbuckle, Joe climbed the turnbuckle, placed one foot on her shoulder, and jumped, managing to grab the candy cane with just his finger tips. The score then shifted in his favor, 2-1. On the way back down, he dropped a leg behind Jennie’s head, sending her down to the mat in a hell of a leg drop.

Jennie, after regaining herself, and Joe would spend the next ten minutes attempting to stop each other from getting the last candy cane. Both not entirely sure what happens in the case of a tie. Joe was laid out by a vicious kick from Fenix, and Jennie tried desperately to get him up so she could whip him into the corner, not wanting to hurt herself any more than she already did, when Mia climbed the apron, and then the turnbuckle. She began to dance on the pole, getting Jennie’s attention and successfully buying Joe some time. But as Joe rose from the mat, a snapping noise was heard, and the pole gave out.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: There’s something you don’t see every day!

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: This match now has the significant honor of being the only one to have the tide completely turned by a stripper girlfriend. Setting records!

Crashing into the center of the ring, Mia was laid out flat, completely unconscious. Jennie, who was absolutely hysterical over what she’d just seen, picked up the candy cane off the ground and pointed to the scoreboard, which now read 2-2.

And then the lights flashed…

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Looks like we’ve got a tiebreaker! I’m being told that it’s officially Sudden Wreath! Spelt like wreath, but pronounced like Death, but with a wrr sound. I don’t know why I’m being this descriptive.

Fight security, dressed as elves and reindeer, walked out a 12 foot red and white ladder made out of candy cane. Above the ring, a larger candy cane, you know the kind, the one you hold and think ‘I’d never eat this but Jesus do i wanna hit someone with it,’ lowered from the ceiling, a red sparkly bow tied around it. As Joe helped Mia out of the ring, and Jennie kicked pieces of pole from under her feet, the elves and reindeer set up the ladder, and quickly dispersed. Joe made a mad dash for the ladder the second Mia was free and clear, but was ripped off the ladder and had his head hit a minty rung and bounce off. Jennie climbed the other side of the ladder quickly, and at the top, before reaching up, pulled a candy cane out from the elastic of her tights, and began to work it in her hands. As Joe climbed up, she beckoned him further, and when he was close enough, she opened her hand and blew pieces of candy cane dust directly into his eyes, blinding him and then bashing him with a downward striking elbow, sending him to the mat with a thud. Reaching up, she attempted to grab the larger candy cane, and secured the right to not be a champion, but a half blind Joe Montouri rushed up the ladder, landed an uppercut to her unprotected chin, and sent her flying off the ladder.

As Mia watched from the apron, Joe grabbed the candy cane, and finally freed himself of the Queens title.

YOUR LOSER, AND NEW QUEEN’S CHAMPION…JENNIE FENIX!!!!

Ten Lords A-Leaping

Alice Knight vs Ashlynn Cassidy

MRS. CLAUS MATCH

Ashlynn Cassidy and Alice Knight stand face to face, cheerful enough but we can see the tension between them, and it isn’t sexual. The Fight screens light up, and their attention is secured by Miss F, who is sitting in what appears to be an ice cave, with a dog with antlers on her lap.

Miss F: Hello Whoville. Allow me to explain how this is going to work. The winner of this match, will be the competitor who successfully obtains three of the five items, and places them on their person. These items will be made available every 2 minutes. I hope none of them are 3 sizes too small, but more so, I hope you fight as hard for these clothes as Americans fight for $10 off on toasters. Best of luck!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Alright folks, seems like we’ve got the rules, now it’s time for the results!

THE STOCKINGS GET STUFFED

Ashlynn and Alice spent the two minute leading up to this feeling each other out. Lots of quick grapples, reversals, and what moves were successful, were mostly armbars and strikes. Once the stockings were thrown into the ring, however, the more powerful arsenal was brought out. DDT’s and neckbreakers, sideways slams and suplexes. Each trying their best to obtain the red with white snowflake stockings, and Ashlynn being successful, despite the stockings barely surviving the melee.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: I’ve never been so excited to see a woman get dressed before.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Either have these fans!

(AW) THE LITTLE BOOTIES

Alice, angered by the sight of the tights on Ashlynn, turned up the heat and began an onslaught of offense that left Ashlynn winded and bereft of energy. 30 seconds after Alice suplexed Ashlynn off the turnbuckle, a pair of red and gold booties hit the ring. Alice got one on before Ashylnn clotheslined her out of them, but one was all Alice needed, and the booties were hers.

THE DRESS IS A YES

Alice and Ashlynn had fought for the majority of the next 2 minutes outside of the ring, taking turns banging each other’s head from one item to another. The fans at ringside, all cheering every time they come close enough to touch. The elf at ringside throws in the red dress with frilly white sleeves and a white lace smock, and the second it settles both women push away from each other, and slide into the ring, looking to get their hands on it, and then their ass in it. On their hands and knees, they kick and punch at each other, the dress barely moving as each doesn’t permit the other to touch it. 

Ashlynn places her hand on the forehead of Alice, and pushes her away, but watches as Alice takes the dress with her. Rolling onto her back, Alice lifts the dress and gets both legs into it, but Ashlynn gets up and dives into the bottom of the dress, and ends up on top of Alice, and both women are wearing the dress. Punching wildly at each other, Alice gets the upper hand, and squirms away trying to take the dress away with her, but only taking half, as it tears down both sides, leaving them each with one half.

Alice stands, annoyed, and throws the dress away. Ashlynn on the other hand grabs her half, wraps it around Alice’s head, and uses it to drive her backward in a brutal snap neckbreaker. Alice removes the dress from her face just in time to see Ashylnn’s foot come crashing down on her chest.

THE WIGGITY WIGGITY WIG

For the next two minutes Ashlynn whips at Alice with her half of the dress, and Alice attempts to catch any piece of it to either stop it from happening again or at the very least be the one doing the whipping. When the dress is finally ripped from Ashlynn’s grip, Alice throws the half-dress over the top rope. Alice delivers a massive kick to Ashlynn’s side, and attempts to follow it up with an equally hard one to the opposite side, but has it caught by Ashlynn.

As Ashlynn drags Alice toward the corner by the leg, and Alice swings wildly trying to get free but also scores a piece of Ashlynn’s face. And at the moment, the wig lands to the left and right of them, respectively.

It’s in the middle of the ring, ok?

Alice brings her knee to their chest, Pulling a distracted Ashlynn with her, and then pushing her away, and to the ground. Alice dives for the wig, as Ashlynn scrambles to her hands and knees to do the same.

As they scramble, knocking at each other with brutal elbows, it suddenly escalates into an all out brawl like something out of a cartoon. Their hands continue to reach out and grab at the wig, which is still more than a fingers length away. And then…

Ashlynn rolls away from Alice, and as Alice attempts to stand, sweeps the leg out from under her by kicking her directly in the back of the knee. Alice falls down for a second, but Ashlynn gets up, grabs the wig, and as she rolls forward toward Alice, hits her with a devastating rolling kick, and puts the wig on at the same time, and secures the win, and the spot as the hottest granny you’ve probably ever seen.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: And the first ever Mrs. Claus match in the books! What a show, and it’s only getting started!!!

WINNER; ASHLYNN CASSIDY

Nine Ladies Dancing

The First Annual Reindeer Games

THE ENFORCER vs KASEY WINTERBORN vs EOIN O’ROURKE vs ANICKA SWAN

Enforcer, Anicka, Kasey, and Eoin are in their respective corners. Miss F comes across the Fight screens yet again, and this time, she is standing on a bridge, and behind her, a man prepares to jump into the icy river below. 

Miss F: ..Oh. don’t worry about that. This is just a scene from A Wonderful Life. And while it isn’t the movie I mean to reference, it is, though, a good seque. Because, and I’m going to tell you this, I had plans on showing you the actual scene, but Mister ‘i’ve all the money in the world’ decided to be cheap for the first time ever, and didn’t want to pay for the rights. So instead, I’ll explain. In the film Scrooged, Bill Murray recommends to a man that he should staple reindeer antlers to a mouse’s head, to make it more festive. Well, fighters. As of now, you are all the mice, and also, the Murray. To secure the victory in this match, you will have 3 reindeer antlers, two staplers, and only one winner. Good luck, Fighters.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: I guess the wholesomeness of the event just went out the window with this one. Anicka and Enforcer have beef, and Eoin hates everyone. Kasey Winterborn, one of the dominant NSQ that has taken Fight and the business itself by storm, might be the one they concentrate on.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Agreed. If they’re smart they’ll send a message to NSQ right here and now.

The elves at ringside slide in the two red and white decorated staplers and the three sets of reindeer antlers, and before the staplers come to a stop, Enforcer and Eoin are fighting over one, and Kasey and Anicka go for each other rather than the staplers.

Enforcer and Eoin, former stablemates of the now defunct Cure, begin to hammer away at one another, their massive arms glistening with sweat, and their targeted areas glowing bright red from impact. Enforcer ends the exchange by lifting Eoin by his waist and tossing him over the top rope. Eoin hits the floor on his feet. Grabbing Enforcer’s ankles, Eoin pulls Enforcer out under the third rope, and clotheslining him in one swift move, which is loud enough to make anyone want to look away.

Anicka and Kasey meanwhile, are locked arm in arm, each trying to push the other where they wish them to go. Kasey finally wins the struggle and flings Anicka into the corner, following up with stiff shots to the chest and stomach alternatively.

Enforcer and Eoin outside of the ring, take turns whipping one another into things and punching at each other, leaving behind dents and divots behind in their wake, as well as trickles of blood from the wounds opening up in their hands, while Anicka and Kasey suddenly stop fighting each other, and turn toward the two men outside the ring. They silently walk over to the staple guns, grab two pairs of the antlers, and slide outside the ring. As soon as their feet hit the ground, both Kasey and Ani began to shoot staplers at Eoin, and Enforcer, respectively.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: This is unexpected. Instead of the three of them going after the NSQ member, the women have decided to eliminate the men.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Honestly, with these two women being who they are, this isn’t surprising at all.

As soon as the staples pierce into their flesh, Eoin and Enforcer turn their back on each other, and rush the two people still firing staples into them. Enforcer collides with Kasey, as Eoin rushes Anicka. But Anicka ducks Eoin, as Kasey uses Enforcer’s momentum to flip him over here with one foot on his chest, one hand holding a set of antlers to his forehead, and with precision, staples the antlers to his forehead.

Anicka launches Eoin into the divider, and as soon as his head hits the ground, she drops onto her knee, pressing it against his neck, and sends several staples into his forehead, sending blood cascading down his face. She walks off and rolls back into the ring, as Eoin lays on the ground holding his face.

Back in the ring, the two women drop their staple guns, and walk toward the last pair of Antlers. They discuss something, and after a bit, they walk back to their corner, and then…their match begins.

Anicka pushes Kasey with force on both shoulders, and Kasey lands on her back foot, using it the way we do, and launches a stiff shot to Ani’s stomach. As soon as she is bent over, Kasey rolls over Ani’s back while holding onto the sides of her head, landing in a sitting neckbreaker that gets the crowd on their feet. Ani lays there for a moment, stunned, and Kasey stands up and looks down at Ani. Reaching down to pick Ani up, Kasey immediately regrets the decision as Ani grabs Kasey’s head with one hand, and begins to punch with the other. Kasey finally breaks free, and backs to the ropes, watching Ani get to her feet like a person possessed.

Over the next ten minutes, The fight would show just what happens when two people want possession of one thing, and don’t want the other to have it. It took a turn when Eoin got back in the ring, revealing that while Eoin had several staples in his head, not a single one was actually attached to the antlers, making him still legally in this match. As the three of them looked over each other, one smiled, one screamed, and all three fought with the tenacity you’d expect from Fight NYC.

Eoin would pull of an upset as when Kasey successfully DDT’ed Anicka, Eoin jumped onto her chest, and pinned her down, stapling the antlers to her head before kicking her in the side until she finally rolled out of the ring. And with two left, the fight became really started. Eoin and Anicka, two people with no love lost, did everything in their power to destroy the other, and in the end one of them was successful.

The match finally came to an end, when Eoin O’Rourke kicked Enforcer in the chest, making them flip backward, landing exactly where the antlers were. Eoin scooped them up, and as Enforcer rushed forward, Eoin runs backward, sliding into the corner and grabbing their staple gun. In an impressive sight, Eoin throws the antlers at Enforcer’s face and shoots the gun. As the crowd leaps to their feet, and the antler sticks to Enforcer’s face.

WINNER; EOIN O’ROURKE

Jingle Bells

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Fight fans, we have quite a set up for our next match, but we’ve got a special gift for you all. Here’s our rendition of Jingle bells, performed by the sounds of our FIGHT NYC Fighters, punching the everloving shit, out of each other!!

Footage of fights from Venom 1 all the way to last week’s Venom 14 play as the sounds of punches, kicks, plexes, and slams replace the words and musical instruments, but still making up a perfect version of the beloved christmas classic,  jingle bells. Christmas overlays of holly and red and green bows photoshopped onto the background as well as santa hats onto the heads of the fighters, bring the holiday feel home and cook it a nice meal. At the end of the 2 minutes and 31 seconds, we see Fight Tower in a CGI snow storm with a star shining at the top of it.

Eight Maids A-Milking

Dave the Dinosaur (c) vs Ricky Rodriguez

FIGHT! NYC BRONX CHAMPIONSHIP

The ring is lit up by the red and green spotlights, and all around the ring, Elve’s finish securing the Gingerbread cage to the ring, with both Dave The Dinosaur and Ricky Rodriguez already inside it. Once the cookie cage is complete, the elves rush back to the backstage area, and the first ever Gingerbread Cage Match is underway.

The rules are the same as a regular cage match. The first one to ascend the cage and make it to the floor below, is the winner. Of course, one could try to eat through this cage, but let us be honest; Gingerbread is fucking disgusting and that’s why we build things out of it.

Dave the Dinosaur pushes the gingerbread cage a bit, testing its strength and finding it worthy, while Ricky pulls on the ropes, stretching out his shoulders while maintaining eye contact on Dave. Dave and Ricky circle on another as the buzzer bleats and lets them know it’s time for work.

What follows for the most part, is incredibly entertaining. Both men on the small but speedy size, at least for wrestlers, begin throwing each other around with a series of tosses and suplexes, dropkicks that were executed beautifully and brutally (brutifally?).

At the 9 minute mark, Dave the Dino made the first attempt to climb the cage after hitting a very nice rolling suplex combination on Ricky, but wasn’t as devasting as he had hoped, as Ricky was back to his feet by the time Dave made it to the middle of the cage. 

Ricky, in a shot that will be remembered forever by all who see it, jumped onto the turnbuckle, ran across the top of the ropes, and body splashed Dave in the back, sandwiching him against the cage. Bouncing off, Ricky fell to the mat, with Dave following close behind.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Dave the Dino getting knocked off that cage like the power just came back on!

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: ..nice reference.

Ricky rises to his feet, and watches Dave do the same, albeit much slower. Ricky runs at him and drops him in a stiff End-over neckbreaker, holding the move and flipping onto Dave’s stomach, and grabbing at his head, pounding him with left hands while gripping Dave’s mask.

Dave gets his legs up, and knees Ricky in the back with both, freeing him from under Ricky. The two men climb to their feet, and Ricky grabs Dave immediately and clutches him by the waist, attempting to toss him, but Dave locks his arm around Ricky’s head and both legs around his waist, locking on a guillotine choke in a standing position. Ricky begins to punch at Dave’s sides, but isn’t getting anywhere. Ricky finally runs at the cage, attempting to break the hold. Dave unlocks his legs, throws them behind them, stopping them from reaching the cage, and then pushes off of said cage, landing a tornado DDT that looks like it could have killed Ricky.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Say what you want about that foul smelling lunatic, but Jesus that was great ring awareness.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Ricky can’t take many more hits like that.

Dave gets to his feet, and slowly climbs the cage, sore from the last 11 minutes of fighting. As he does so, he gets to the top, and then..of course, it happens.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: No! This never works! Why! Why do people get this close and then do the ‘look back and decide to jump’ thing. I’ve never done this.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: As big as you are, you’d probably break every bone in your body.

Dave decides not to chance it, and begins to climb down the cage. As he does, Ricky stands up, and locks his eyes onto Dave, who is on the other side of the cage. Ricky stands up, shoots off the ropes, and leaps at the cage. His plan, which he will later admit was to grab Dave through the slots of the cage and pull him back up, backfires, as Ricky goes through the cage, breaking the gingerbread into crumbs, and both men tumble through the air and fall to the floor.

As Dave hits the floor, and Ricky lands on the guard rail, and the crowd cheers in delight. Dave stands up, looking at the limp body of Ricky Rodriguez, and helps them off the guardrail, and to their feet, raising their hand.

WINNER AND STILL FIGHT! NYC BRONX CHAMPION; DAVE THE DINOSAUR!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: That was one helluva Gingerbread cage match. And now, anyone who would like to have a chunk of it can buy it for $19.95 at the concession stands! I want to say it’s for souvenir purposes, and that you shouldn’t eat it, but regardless all proceeds from the sale goes to St. Jude’s Hospital.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: I would not, for any one, eat that. But I would buy it to help St. Judes.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: So would I, in fact, I will personally match all of the proceeds, dollar for dollar. 

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: ….I will give like a thousand dollars?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Good Elf.

FIGHT! Mail

Chris Page is seen backstage, a bottle of water in his hand, as he gets his head right for the next match, which is his. As he’s standing in what is known in the business as “the gorilla position,” when Aiden Reynolds steps up.

Aiden Reynolds: Oi, ol’ timer. Pretty weird we’re the only ones without a stipulation, eh?

Chris Page: You don’t check your Fight-mail, huh?

Aiden Reynolds: ..what is fight-mail?

Chris Page: Yeah, you’re in for a surprise. 

Chris shakes his head and walks away, as Aiden watches and calls after, trying to get the better of the exchange before it’s too late.

Aiden Reynolds: Yeah, well you’re in for a fucking beating, mate!

Seven Swans A-Swimming

"Chronic" Chris Page vs Aiden Reynolds

With Chris Page in the ring, and Aiden Reynolds making his way down the isle, both men look at a pile of gifts outside of the ring. Chris, who reads his correspondence from Administration, wonders what is in each, and Aiden, who doesn’t even know he has a Fight email, wonders if any of these are for him, and if they are booze or just more worthless coupons for bloody money.

Once Aiden reaches the ring, the Fight screens once again flash, and Miss F is seen standing in a very nice bathroom, a robe upon her form, clearly a reference to Home Alone. Splashing herself with aftershave, she smiles.

Miss F: Hello, gentlemen. As I am sure you’ve seen from your emails, your match surprise stipulation is named after a Christmas tradition that has many names, but is most notably known as White Elephant.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: We called it Nasty Christmas.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: We called it Dirty Elves or Thieving Elves.

Miss F: …gentlemen, if you don’t mind?

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Apologies.

Miss F: You will each be allowed to pick a gift and give it to your opponent. You will open that gift right off. You will then have to decide if you wish to keep it, or exchange it for something else. You will only be allowed to swap once, and also, if you do try to use your opponent’s gift, we will be deducting blood money from you, and you will be disqualified. So do keep your grubby paws off each other’s gifts. Good luck!

Page and Aiden walk out to the large assortment of presents, looking over their respective sides, before swapping and looking at the other side. Reynolds picks up a medium sized box, and shakes it, but puts it back down. He then picks up a larger box, and shakes that, and hears something rattling inside. He nods and selects it, as Page picks up a very small box, and nods as well. The two men exchange gifts, begin to examine their boxes. Aiden decides to swap his, and takes the largest sized box, placing the smaller box down. Page then picks up the same small box, and places the other box down.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Looks like we’re about to find out if size matters!

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: It did to my ex.

Stepping into the ring, Aiden and Page each take turns telling the other person to open their gifts. Page finally gets Aiden to open his, and when he does, he finds a baseball bat wrapped in twinkle lights, which the site of makes Page’s face drop. Aiden laughs, and Page opens his. He pulls out a single sliver of paper. Page reads the writing and looks at Aiden with a smile. Revealing that the writing says ‘2 count victory.’

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: So Page only has to pin Aiden for 2 seconds instead of 3, but Aiden has a bat with lights on it. What would you keep?

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: The baseball bat! One second is nothing, but a baseball bat wrapped in sharp lights?

Aiden looks at his baseball bat, and decides to exchange it, which shocks the audience, until he points out that it is actually made of rubber, and squeaks when you bang it.

Aiden grabs another box, and after ripping the wrapping paper to shreds, pulls out a small whip made out of red and green tinsel.

Chris Page jumps out of the ring, and grabs another box, this one a medium sized one in FIght wrapping paper. Ripping it open, he pulls out a small drum, which he is not amused to see at all.

Sliding back in the ring, Page slides the drum into the corner, and removes his jacket. Aiden swats the tinsel whip back and forth, smiling at Page, feeling confident that he won the exchange. Page circles Aiden and Aiden cracks the Christmas whip like Belsnickle finding someone who is Impish. Page dives out of the ring away from the stinging whip and yells at Aiden, who is overly excited at the chance to whip someone in a Christmas sense.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Tinsel toned terror is the aliterate term of the day!

Aiden Reynolds dives out of the ring, giving chase to Page, swapping at him with the whip and missing narrowly as Page darts around the ring and finally dives under the bottom rope. As Aiden slides in, Page delivers a swift kick to his head, following it up with 3 more before grabbing the whip from his hand and throwing it out of the ring.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Said He couldn’t use it, not that he couldn’t get rid of it. 

Aiden Reynolds leaps to his feet and tackles Page, and begins to pelt him with both hands, before getting up and trying to go after the whip. Page grabs Aiden’s foot, causing him to fall forward and against the ropes. Hitting his face on the ropes, Aiden is temporarily blinded, and Page takes full advantage.

For the remainder of the match both men would attempt to make a move toward their respective weapons, Page’s in the corner and Aiden’s in the aisle just off the mats. And every time they tried, the other would stop them. Aiden would dive and try to leave the ring and Page would bring him back in. Page would walk toward the corner and Aiden would drag him back.

Until…

Page had Aiden right where he wanted him, but Aiden thought quickly and crawled toward the ropes. The second Page tried to stop him by grabbing his feet, Aiden pushed off the mat, rolled up and slingshot Page out of the ring and to the floor. While on the floor, Page stood up and walked toward the corner to retrieve his drum, when Aiden grabbed him between the ropes and locked in a chokehold, attempting to pull the man away from his corner. He was almost successful but with finger tips alone, Page was able to reach the drum, and bring it up onto  Aiden’s head. The drum popped, and as Aiden stumbled backward from the ropes, his head a bloody mess, we see that inside of the drum was actually a steel plate. Sliding in, Page rushed toward a standing Aiden and spun, connecting with a vicious elbow to the side of Aiden’s head, known as The Judas Effect. Aiden collapsed and Page was on him right off, getting the three count, and the win.

WINNER; CHRIS PAGE

Six Geese A-Laying

Betsy Granger vs Anne Boleyn

Betsy and Anne stand in the ring, side by side, watching as four large containers are brought down to the ring and placed on every side of the ring. Opening the containers, we see that each one is a standing red and white stocking big enough to fit a person into. And Miss F comes on the screens once more.

Sitting in workshop much like the one in ELF, Miss F looks over at Bob Newhart, who is putting together a small wooden train.

Miss F: Ladies, this next match, while also a surprise, is one of my favorite parts about christmas. Not the big things under the tree, but the little things in our stockings. And as of today, one of those little things will be one of you. Win this match by simply depositing your opponent into one of the stockings. The Stocking Stuffer…I’m not very good with the alliteration, you know. Anyhow. Get to it. Also, this is really Bob Newhart. He’s 92. And he agreed to this. What a sweet man.

Bob Newhart: Hey folks!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Fucking love Bob Newhart.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: He’s a national treasure. Like you, and Hot Dogs.

The tv screens shut down and Anne and Betsy get to work. Immediately trying to push one another to a bank of ropes, in the hopes that they can just tip them in and be done with it. But for every attempt made, it is blocked and countered.

Having it been made clear that each would have to put in some more work than just that, the two began to battle it out, constantly keeping themselves in the middle of the ring, while trying to push their opponent towards the ropes.

Anne hits a diving crossbody, but scrambles away from the ropes. Betsy hits a feint kick, tiger style, but rolls away from the ropes right off. And so it goes. Neither wanting to be anywhere near the ropes in hopes of avoiding being deposited into an oversized sock.

But both would not go without close calls. Anne, who had hit Betsy with a guillotine leg drop on the apron, almost bounced off and into the sock on her own, but caught herself with the rope. And Betsy, who had Anne in a corner choke, was pushed off so hard by the smaller fighter that Betsy almost tumbled over the top rope, but caught herself in time.

And so it went for 13 minutes more. Every offensive move that almost led to a deposit into the red and white defeat for feet was outdone by the next, with the fans in attendance entertained to no end. Until finally, Betsy had enough. The Impossible Traveler grabbed Anne Boleyn by the head and dragged them about the ring, smashing them into all four turn posts and right after the last, Granger took a firm grip of Anne Boleyn’s head, and ran at the bank of ropes, attempting to launch them over the rope and into the container below. Not realizing that Anne had a chunk of their tights in their hand, and when they went over, they took Betsy with them. As both landed in the stocking. We lose sight of them. Through the movement of the fabric and the screams from within, we see that they are indeed still fighting, and after a beat, Granger’s hand emerges from the sock, and pulls themselves out completely. Standing on the apron, Betsy Granger looks down at the sock full of Boleyn and smiles.

WINNER; BETSY GRANGER

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Have to say, as far as ‘dump your opponent into a container matches’ go…that might have been my favorite.

Five Golden Rings

Druscilla White (c) vs Austin Ramsey

FIGHT! NYC BAREKNUCKLE CHAMPIONSHIP

A split screen view of both Druscilla and Austin riding down in their respective elevators to The Pit displays two very different facial expressions. Ramsey, who is angry and looking for revenge, and Dru, who is in a wonderful mood, and looking to have some fun. But when the doors open, they both take on the look of shock.

Gone is the dirty floor with random objects about, and before them is a variable winter wonderland. Pine trees and freshly fallen snow as far as the eye can see. But also it’s not that far because it’s a relatively small area. On the FIght Screen, Miss F once again appears, this time dressed in a black and white pinstripe suit. She smiles, and begins to sing, revealing that she has a wonderful singing voice.

MISS F: What’s this? What’s that? There’s snow, it’s everywhere! What’s that? These trees wer’n’t always there! What’s that? (stops singing) What that is, is your winter wonderland warzone. As you have been made aware, the stipulation to your fight is simple and clear. Dip your hands in our sugar free icing, and then dip them into the candy of your choice. We have peppermint shavings, gingerbread crumbs, and..let’s be honest, no one is going for the gumdrop buttons. But here’s something you do not know. Hidden in this area, somewhere, is a pair of brass knuckles…five golden rings, all welded into one. Find them, and you can use them. I know, not really bareknuckle. But we’re okay about it and you should be, too! So go. And unleash your nightmare prior to boxing day upon your opponent. Don’t want to get sued, you understand.

The Tv cuts off and Dru and Austin rush through the snow, place their hands in the buckets of sugar free icing, which was made sugar free to stop people from eating it, and then both dip their hands in the candy cane shavings and run towards each other.

Druscilla, far more equipped for fist fighting, clearly is more prepared. Ducking and dodging Austin’s attempts, which are powerful but thrown with anger, which is not the wisest move, as it tireds one out faster. Austin seems to come to that realization and quickly backs off, letting himself rest but also letting Dru attempt to tire herself out.

Dru throws a few punches, but not with any real force. They’re all softballs that Austin avoids easily by simply stepping backwards or to the side. Dru continues to do this and Austin continues to use this strategy. And then he wishes he hadn’t.

Dru feels the fake tree against his back and sees the trees on either side, and realizes that Dru had been directing him to this location in order to corner him. Austin trys to maneuver but is sandwiched between the three trees, and Dru begins to unload.

As her peppermint coated fists collide with his sides and face, small specks of blood begin to build as the candy cuts into his flesh. Austin, not one to back down from a straight up fight, begins to throw his own barrage, landing just as many as Dru despite being pelted in a corner.  The longer the barrage goes on, the more blood begins to form on both their faces, and the angrier they both get.

Austin, with his back against the tree, spins and ducks, ending up between the trees and exits to the left of the grouping. Dru side steps and gives chase, but Austin kicks up a lot of fake snow, which blinds her for a second, and then he is upon her. Doing his best to back her up into the same spot he backed her into, he feels like he’s doing a great job, until Dru rushes to the tree, kicks off of it, and comes crashing against Austin’s face so hard that pieces of candy cane and blood go flying in every direction.

Austin falls to the ground, the fake snow beneath his face turning crimson and melting away from the heat. Crawling away as fast as he can, Dru walks slowly after him, laughing and skipping.

Austin makes a dive to put space between them and Dru runs to close up the gap, but is suddenly wide eyed when she realizes he wasn’t diving for space. He was diving for a pair of brass knuckles. Dru slides, using the bloody soap flake snow to end up behind Austin, and gets to her feet. Austin turns and the last thing he sees as contender to the Bare Knuckle belt is peppermint that somehow has spelt out BYE.

Austin falls to the snowy floor unconscious, and Dru immediately kicks his legs away from the other, and then does the same to both his arms. Dipping her fingers in the blood on his face, she flicks the blood all around his head, making a snow angel out of the unconscious Austin.

WINNER AND STILL BAREKNUCKLE CHAMPION; DRUSCILLA WHITE!

Four Calling Birds

Todrick Tabor-Ramsey (c) vs Miss Michelle

FIGHT! NYC MANHATTAN CHAMPIONSHIP

Miss Michelle steps out of the entrance way, and sees Toddy already in the ring, but not alone. The Fight Elves are depositing four large boxes into each corner. Michelle steps up onto the apron, and Miss F once more demands attention on the Fight Screens.

This time she is dressed in a pink bunny suit, and is holding a bb gun by a lamp shaped like a very nice leg.

Miss F: For The Manhattan championship fight, we had a special idea called Ornamental Terror. In each of the four boxes you will find glass ornaments of various shapes, and sizes. This match can not end, until all of those boxes are broken. And unlike our first match, you can not throw yourself into them. You must throw your opponent. Good luck, and try not to get any in your eye, yes?

The absolute second Miss F is off the screen the match is off to the races. Michelle and Toddy dashing toward one another. Arm bars turned into suplexes. Suplexes reversed into neckbreakers, and sidewalk slams turned into knees to faces. The crowd watched for the first 6 minutes as neither made even an attempt to throw the other into a corner.

And then they did. Toddy was the first to attempt it, whipping Michelle at the turnbuckle with force only to have Michelle slide to the left of the box and out of the ring.

The next attempt came a few minutes later. Michelle was back in the ring, and the two of them had been countering each other left and right, until Michelle got behind Toddy, wrapped her arms around his waist, and begin to drive her forward toward the corner. Toddy used her massive legs to bring the attempt to a stop, and began to elbow at Michelle. But Michelle, a good size smaller than Toddy, placed her head against his back and avoided every attempt. And then with a grunt and a scream, lifting the taller Toddy over her head and suplexed him to the ground with a thud that won’t soon be forgotten.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Michelle showing just what size means in this business.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Wish someone would get my ex into this business.

Michelle stood up, and grabbed Toddy by both of her ears. Pulling her up, Michelle laid into him with repeated knees to the chest and face. Feeling like she had her right where she wanted her, Michelle tried to whip Toddy toward the corner behind herself, but instead watched as he whipped her into the corner behind her. Michelle crashed against the box, and glass off all different kinds and colors exploded into the air, onton the ground, and into Michelle’s arms, chest and face.

As blood leaked out in small spurts, Michelle picked some of the larger pieces out of her skin, as Toddy looked on in horror. Covering her mouth while also apologizing to someone she considers a friend, Michelle whispered ‘not today bitch’ and grabbed a handfull of the glass and threw it at Toddy.

Toddy turned his back and ran away from the cloud of flesh cutting glitter, and as she turned back toward, was caught in one of the most impressive running headscissors Michelle has ever pulled off, tossing Toddy end over end until she smashed against a box as well. Her back looking like a highway at night as the lights bounce off the individual pieces embedded within. 

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: I think this might be way worse than thumbtacks. Those at least have a non sharp side you can land on.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Tis the season for giving but this is giving me the bum tum big time.

Several minutes later and quite a bit more of blood lost, and Toddy and Michelle are vying for the right to send the other into a second box, with both not being able to seal the deal for real. Toddy came close, stopping herself with the ropes at the last second, and Michelle came even closer almost chasing her into the corner, but putting the brakes on just as Toddy moved.

The third box did eventually get broke when Michelle saw Toddy coming with a handspring, that would probably end in a slap, but instead catches her as her revolution finishes, and belly to belly’s her into the third box, once again sending green, red, and now all of a sudden purple glass, which was never a christmas color, into the air, and of course, into her flesh. Michelle looks like she wants to feel remorse, but isn’t capable, and instead shakes her head to clear the thought from her mind.

As Toddy gets back to her feet, she looks at Michelle with a hate as hot as a thousand suns, or as sharp as the thousand small pieces of glass that are currently embedded into her back. Running forward, Toddy goes for a lariat that would take someone’s head off, but he slips on the glass. Michelle who was ready to block the move, finds it much harder to block the shoulder to stomach takedown that Toddy had now hit due to him slipping. Slamming against the mat and hitting her head hard, Michelle was out of it for a good minute.

And then, Toddy grabbed a handful of hair, lifted her to her feet, and pushes her away, only to hit a devastating backspinning heel kick that sends Michelle flying into the final box, headfirst. A crown of glittery glass sits in her hair, as blood is absorbed and adds to the look. 

Toddy drags Michelle to the middle of the ring, and attempts to pin her, but she kicks out at two. Toddy, on her knees, looks down at Michelle who is cursing and pulling pieces of glass out of her head, and flicking them at Toddy.

Toddy grabs Michelle by the bloody hair, and pulls her to her feet. Michelle takes a handful of the glass and shoves it into Toddy’s face, who screams in anger. The two suddenly get their second wind, and as the fans watch from their feet, begin to unleash hell upon each other.

Until Michelle gets really mad. Having downed Toddy with a diving crossbody that was hit perfectly, Michelle begins to spread pieces of broken glass all over the place, while waiting for Toddy to rise. Once she does, Michelle runs and gets behind him. She begins to level lefts and rights toward Toddy, one after the other, backing him up further and further, and then once Toddy seems dazed, Michelle shoots off a bank of ropes and attempts a jumping manuver, but Toddy does a split and avoids it.

The crowd reacts in horror as Michelle lands behind Toddy, having made no attempt at hitting him other than jumping toward him, and more so, at the sounds coming from Toddy, who has just done a split into a pile of broken glass. Toddy falls to her side, clutching her crotch, and tryin to get away from Michelle, who is smiling at how well her plan came together.

Reaching down to grab Toddy, Michelle is surprised to have a handful of glass grated into her face, as Toddy had pulled some from her legs and crotch. Toddy begins to stand, and slowly walks to the corner. Throwing glass around even more so before climbing the turnbuckle, and looking down at Michelle. A beat passes as Toddy beckons Michelle with her blood drenched hands, face, back, and legs. And as soon as Michelle gets up, Toddy jumps down..

Spinning in the air, Toddy tries to hit his Vroom Vroom but as he flips toward Michelle, Michelle shows just how strong she is by catching the much larger Toddy, and slamming him down onto the glass in a powerbomb that will be replayed over and over again for weeks to come. Michelle wraps up the massive, bloody legs of Toddy, and 3 seconds later, wonders if the new doctor has started yet, and if Sahara would wait to fuck him until after she got this glass out of her skin.

WINNER AND NEW FIGHT! NYC MANHATTAN CHAMPION; MISS MICHELLE!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: I…How is this not match of the night!?

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: We still have so much more to go!!

Three French Hens

Paul Montuori vs Apathy

The sensitive Paul Montouri, and the angry Apathy, stood in the ring, looking around for what their stipulation was meant to be. Unlike the rest of the fights that had happened, there were no presents, no items of indeterminate use. Just them. And then the fith screens came to life once more.

A Santa stands on the edge of a room, waving his arms as he tries to maintain his balance, before falling and landing in a pile of snow, and not moving one bit after. Stepping into frame, Miss F blows the steam off some hot chocolate, and smiles.

MISS F: Paul, Apathy. For your match, you shall be taking part in what we have dubbed, The Naughty List. The goal of this match is to land as many of the usually illegal moves in our sport as possible, and then ending the match before your opponent can do the same. Once your list has been satisfied, you shall be able to go for the win, but not a moment before. How can we do this, you ask? Well, it is a claus in your contract, I assure you. Good luck.

And with a wink, Miss F is gone, and a list of moves appears on the screen in her place. The list is: Biting, Scratching, Eye Gouging, Crotch shot, Foot choke hold, Fishhooking, and Hair Pulling.

Paul walked toward Apathy and as soon as they were within striking distance both began to kick at each other’s crotch, missing due to the attempt of the other. Backing away, Paul rushed forward trying to try again, but Apathy caught his kick between her knees, and gouged his eyes with her left hand, and then hooked her right under his leg. She lifted Paul onto her shoulders to attempt a maneuver, but Paul grabbed her arm and bit so hard that when she dropped him, blood spewed from the teeth marks, and enraged her.

Paul got to his feet and began to kick at Apathy again, and again she caught his leg, and then kicked him in the balls so hard his foot left the ground and he fell to the mat. Still holding his leg, she flipped over him and kept the leg in her hand, delivering a shot of pain to an area that did not require more.

Damon Riggs and Michael Brilliance both stand up, holding their stomachs as they try to commentate, but can not.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: no one deserves that..

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: nah, some do. I just don’t want to see it.

Apathy placed her foot against Paul’s throat, and as that move ticked off, She reached down to try and grab his hair to tick off another, and instead got her eyes poked with two of Paul’s lengthy fingers.

Stumbling backwards blindly, Apathy, tried to clear the tears from her face as her eyes try to lubricate the pain away unsuccessfully. The blur that is Paul Montouri moves toward her, and with the use of a feint punch that Apathy attempts to block, she finds a foot crashing against her own crotch. Which is not as painful, but does not feel great, either.

Apathy backed up, and Paul came toward her, thinking she had not yet regained her vision, but found out quite in the worst way possible, that she had. As soon as he was within striking distance, she threw both hands out and clawed marks into both sides of his face, the right side inches from his eye. Angry, Paul begins to chop away at Apathy’s chest, reddening the skin with each subsequent hit. On the last hit, he kicked her in the stomach, forcing her to fall on her bum. Grabbing her ankles, he pulled her toward him, and kneed her in the face. As she laid there, he leand down to grab her, and she reached up, got two hand fulls of his hair, and yanked him down onto the mat, ticking off yet another box.

Both laying on the ground, Apathy stands up slowly, leaning down to pick Paul up. Paul grabs her hair, ticking one box that way and then ticking another by bending his knee so as to get his foot in her throat, and then pulls her into it. Apathy spits into his face, which isn’t illegal but is nasty, and it lands in his eyes, which causes him to let go. I mean, who wants spit in their eyes? Apathy then shoves her fingers into Paul’s mouth, and pulls on his cheek, Fishooking him successfully, until Paul kicks her away from him and gets the fingers out of his mouth.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: This fight is getting good. Apathy leads with only biting left, while Paul still has to scratch, as well as Fishhook. 

Apathy launches at Paul, attempting to bite him, but finds herself held at bay. While she concentrates on trying to reach him with her mouth, gnawing at the air like a rabid dog, Paul begins to wiggle his leg for some reason, which becomes clear rather quickly.

His boot now removed, Paul uses friction to remove his sock, and presses his toe nails against Apathy’s leg, scratching the length of her with his toenails.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: That is the worst thing I’ve seen yet tonight. That wins.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Why are his toenails so long!?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: I mean, he has been depressed?

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: TO THAT EXTENT? THose are like Spanish ladies finger nails!!!

Apathy yelps at the gross toenails cutting into the flesh of her leg, and turns her attention to the hand of Paul’s that’s closest to his mouth. She uses her own hand to extend two of his lengthy fingers against his will, and bites down on them. Paul, curls said fingers, pushes them into her mouth further, and uses her cheek to leverage her off of him, successfully fishooking her in the process.

As both stand up, they begin to argue that the other had not completed their task. Apathy points to the fact that his fingers are blood from biting, and he swears that he fishooked her so hard, he cut his fingers on her teeth. To the chagrin of both, the two last boxes of each is now ticked off. And with that, both are tied up and have completed their checklist. And now it was time to finish the match.

Paul and Apathy would do their level best to try and end one another, and then, at the 20 minute mark, something happened.

The lights flicker, momentarily, then cut to blackness. A low rumbling hum echoes through the arena, and then a slow deep voice begins recanting the words to John Lennon’s “Imagine”. No lights. No movement. The song steadily drives toward the chorus, where the singer of A Perfect Circle starts booming through the words, “I HOPE SOME DAY YOU’LL JOIN US”, and then the sound trails off. A spotlight flickers in the center of the ring, where Apathy stands. A figure appears behind her. Long blackened hair, a ghostly white face, blackened lips and eyes and a symbol painted on his forehead. He looks twisted, vile, and his tongue seeps out of his mouth as Occhi zooms in to get a good look.

Apathy turns to face the ‘creature’, and blood starts to seep from his mouth as he draws his tongue back in and his lips into a wide macabre smile. He cocks his head to the side, awkwardly, then the lights disappear again.

“The world will be as one.”

A moment passes. Then another. And then the lights come up.

Paul Montuori is face down, in a pool of blood. A literal pool. Apathy looks around, seemingly untouched. She pushes Montuori with her boot, then drags him onto his back revealing the extent of the lacerations across his head and chest.

A cover is academic. A three count a foregone conclusion.

WINNER; APATHY!

Two Turtle Doves

James Raven vs Sahara

As they were on their way to the ring, James Raven, sans Santa suit, and Sahara, were headed off and redirected to the two elevators that lead down to the pit. Both confused, and absolutely gorgeous, they spent their time in the elevator looking at the mirrored walls rather than wondering what was about to happen. As they stepped out, they discovered that there was a large metal container, about the size of a wrestling ring in the middle of the pit. Gone was the soapy flakes, and the fake trees, and instead was just this. Above the container, a tv comes on, and Miss F who is now a claymation version of herself, addresses the two of them.

Miss F: Hello, my darlings. For this next match, we’ve cooked up quite a cold stipulation for you. If you haven’t already guessed, Santa’s secret stipulation is actually, a Heatmesier/Snowmeiser fight inside that steel container. Every 2 minutes or less, for 2 minutes or less, the temperature will shift from 32 Degrees Farenheit to 100.4 Farenheit. Now you’re probably thinking, why would we try to kill you like this…well, we wouldn’t. At least not you, two. Faces like those belong on magazines, not in mausoleums. So do be aware, this isn’t an actual fight, so much as it is a test of determination. Outlast your opponent by chilling out and you win. Can’t take the heat? Get out of the kitchen and lose. Good luck, my lovelies.

The two competitors enter the chamber, and as the doors are sealed behind them. Look at each other with wonder. They wonder which of them will fold first. Which of them will give up sooner. And then the cold comes

 

I’m Mr. White Christmas

I’m Mr. Snow.

I’m Mr. Icicle.

I’m Mr. 10 Below.

Friends Call me Snow-Miser.

Whatever I touch, Turns to snow in my clutch.

HAHA! I’m too much!

 

He’s Mr. White Christmas

He’s Mr. Snow

He’s Mr. Icicle.

He’s Mr. 10 Below.

 

Friends Call me Snow-Miser.

Whatever I touch

Turns to snow in my clutch.

HAHA!

He’s Too Much. 

 

I never wanna know a day that’s over 40 degrees
I’d rather have it 30, 25, then minus 3!

I like it freezing!!

Sarah watches as James Raven shivers, and he watches her. Her nipples poking through her shit, and his practically taking up the entire room. Their teeth begin to chatter and their eyes begin to close. Their breath visible and looking more like smoke signals than steady breath.

And then the heat kicks on.

 

I’m Mr. Green Christmas

I’m Mr. Sun

I’m Mr. Heat Blister

I’m Mr. Hundred and one

 

They Call Me Heat Miser

Whatever I touch

Starts to Melt in my clutch

HAHA

I’m too much!

 

He’s Mr. Green Christmas

He’s Mr. Sun

He’s Mr. Heat Blister

He’s Mr. Hundred and one

They Call me Heat Miser

Whatever I touch

Starts to melt in my clutch

HAHA

 

He’s too much!

I never wanna know a day

That’s under 60 degrees

I’d rather have it

80, 90, 100 degrees!

Some like it hot, but I like it REALLY REALLY HOT

Sahara reveals that while her name is that of a desert, her mindset is not prepared to be in one. The sweat forms at her forehead and begins to drip down her face, beading in spots and pooling in others. Looking across at James Raven, she sees his abs glisten, almost as if his skin was made for this kind of heat. She looks away, feeling the sweat drip down her back, and through her pants, and she shakes off the urge to just walk out. The cold that was there, is now gone, but the comfort of this passes quickly as the heat begins to make them both dizzy.

They each turn and look at the doors behind them but not at the same time. Each is equipped with a button. The sooner they hit it, the sooner they can get out. Was it really worth melting to death, or freezing to death to win a stupid match?

After 8 minutes, and four replays of each verse of the song, both demonstrated an emphatic believe that yes, yes it was worth it. And while they sweat continuously, knowing that in about a minute and 25 seconds, they would have that sweat frozen to them, neither budged. Until they did.

Raven screamed “FUCK IT’ and instead of running for his button, ran for Sahara, and began a slow and painful onslaught of frozen handed punches and shivering kicks. Sahara fought him off bravely, barely feeling the hits he was landing on her ice cold flesh at all, but still throwing some of her own despite the fact that he probably wasn’t feeling it either.

A minute and 25 seconds, and yet another verse of what they would both refer for the foreseeable future as ‘that fucking song,’ They did their best to get the other to quit, and unsuccessfully at that. And then heat kicked on and suddenly, they had all the energy in the world to throw punches as hard as they could.

For about five seconds. And then they began to sweat in places you don’t want to sweat, and profusely. Standing there within arms reach of each other, they instead began to push each other with all of their might, which was none, as that fucking song played yet again.

By the tenth minute, the heat had cut off, and the frost had come back on. But this time it was colder. Way colder. And as both came to the realization that they were amping up the cold to try and push them, and that meant they were going to amp up the heat, as well.

It was then they walked face to face with each other, and silently agreed. They both held out their shivering fingers, balled them into fists, and shook them three times, before producing either one finger, or two.

Raven put out a single digit, and Sahara put out two, giving Raven, who was odds, the first win.

Raven put out a one again, but Sahara put out a one as well, and Sahara won the second point.

The third and final point took them longer to throw out as both were afraid the other was going to win. And when Sahara threw out two fingers, and Raven threw out two fingers, Sahara was overjoyed that this stupid match was finally over, and smiled as Raven walked over and hit his button.

Sahara and James were given blankets and hot packs the second they exited, and were astonished to find out they had been in there for over 20 minutes. Raven looked at Sahara and mouthed ‘this isn’t over,’ to which Sahara responded ‘no, it is.’

WINNER; SAHARA!

Someone said doves?

Striding through the backstage area, with Christmas all around her, there was one person who had all the Christmas spirit of the curmudgeonly grinch. Her hips swayed through the camera shot as she walked with ferocity, disregarding the joy around her with the glare of daggers.

Finally, Atara Themis approached the door of Miss F. Vhodka Marie and Vincent Black stood in front of it, guarding anyone from entering.

Atara Themis: Excuse me.

Vhodka Black: Sorry, can’t, on account of..

Vhodka pauses, looks at Vincent, then looks back at Atara.

Vhodka Black: Well, I’m not exactly sure why not. But not.

Atara sighs.

Atara Themis: Look, I don’t have time for this. Some strange woman has my belt strapped to her head and I want to know why.

This time Vincent Black pipes up.

Vincent Black: Yeah, why is that, Vhodka?

Vhodka looks at Vincent, then back at Atara, then at something off in the distance.

Atara Themis: Whatever. I want my belt back, and it better be here by the time I get here next week.

Atara scowls, narrowly looking down her nose, and then turns on her heels.

Vincent Black: I remember when she was so friendly.

Vhodka Black: I gotta fix this.

 

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

Dane Preston & Brandon Moore vs Dickie Watson & Shawn Warstein

Footage of Dane Preston Vs Dickie Watson, of Brandon Moore Vs Shawn Warstein, and all of the interactions and altercations the four men have had play during the lead up to the match, which is now being set up around the ringside area. The elves set up two tables, and begin to put the following items on both;

A gingerbread man the size of a steel chair, a wreath made out of jello, a candy cane made out of ham and potatoes, and a cake made out of fruit and cake. It’s a fruitcake,

As Dane and Brandon, Dickie and Shawn, all make their way to the ring, they give the tables the evil eye, and not so much each other. As they each ponder over the stipulation privately and as a team, Miss F shows up once more upon the Fight Screens, this time dressed like the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Miss F: Come forth! And know me better, Man! Is what I would say if I was this match. Santa’s list, is a 2 on 2 tag team bout that will see each team use all of the objects on their table before they are allowed to try and pin their opponent. But, you can’t expect to just be able to grab them all at be done with it, can you? No. The only way you can use one of the items is if your opponent tags out. Every time they do, you can pick up a new item. Rough waters to navigate for sure, but most victories are. Here’s hoping there’s a finish this time, yeah? Go Forth, my main event four, and know this match better!!

Dane and Brandon and Shawn and Dickie discussed privately their strategy, and when all was said and done each team offered up their first combatant. Brandon Moore and Dickie Watson, and the crowd was as excited as they’d ever been to see these two huge stars go toe to toe.

Brandon Moore took his chance and brought the offense to Dickie quick and well. Backing the smaller man into a corner, and locking him there knife edge chops and the kind of brutal punches that are synonymous with his name. But Dickie is no slouch, and not at all the kind to take without giving. So when the chance came to turn the tide, he did. Placing his feet on Brandon’s chest, he grabbed the ropes with both hands and pushed him away. Using the momentum of this, he went feet over head and flipped onto the turnbuckle. Kicking off the second his made contact, he darted toward Brandon, and elbowed him in the jaw with authority, spinning off of him and rolling across the ring, getting to his feet in a neutral corner.

Brandon was on one knee when Dickie turned to face him, and Brandon was smiling. Brandon stood up and faked a grapple attempt, only to knee Dickie in the stomach so hard that the smaller man left his feet for a second. Brandon then threw Dickie into the corner, and got angry as Dane didn’t put a foot out or sneak an attack. But knowing Dane, this doesn’t surprise him as much as frustrate him. Brandon goes to tag, but suddenly rethinks it.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: It’s difficult thing for people who are good at tag teaming to not want to constantly tag in a fresh member. The best tag teams get in and get out quick and constant. So for Brandon to not tag Dane in to stop Warstein and Watson to get the advantage is huge.

Dickie does his best to move away from the corner the second he hits, but Brandon runs toward him and attempts to clothesline him out of the ring,  But Dickie falls to the mat, grabbing the top rope and causing Brandon to tumble over and fall out of the ring. Dickie uses the tension from the top rope to pull himself back up, and immediately turns, and running towards Dane, hitting a single leg drop kick that sends him off the apron and to the floor below.

Watson walks over to his corner as Warstein beckons him. The two of them get in close and when they separate, having said something to one another, y they are both wildly amused by it. Dickie then turns and runs, sliding under the bottom rope and kicking Moore in the chest. When Brandon falls against the divider, he goes wild and reaches out, grabbing Dickie by the ankles. 

Dickie hits the floor with a thud, and Brandon kicks him in the side with all of the might he can muster, which is quite a lot. Dickie pushes off the floor and moves himself away from the kick, which spares him some of the pain, but not all. Brandon, who has been on the precipice of the top of this business for as long as anyone can remember, determined to show he not only belongs in this area. But he also belongs the space some other people are taking.

Dane Preston, meanwhile, is back on the apron. He looks across the ring at Shawn Warstein. Because Warstein is looking at him. Dane gets the feeling that he’s being eagled for a reason. Should he drop down and get involved, Warstein will as well. For now, it’s one on one. And as long as it stays that way, it’ll stay that way.\

Dane watches as Brandon tries to manhandle the Empire champion, only to have the smaller, and much faster Dickie get the upper hand with a well placed Uppercut.  Brandon’s head shoots back and his teeth clank against each other, and there’s a taste of blood in his mouth. It’s his own. And in this moment he’s obsessed with adding someone else’s.

Dickie slides into the ring and runs toward the other bank of ropes. Leaping up onto the top rope, Dickie twists on his feet, and holds his position, rallying the fans at the sight of his ability. Brandon Moore on the other side of the ring has a decision to make. Run at him and deal with whatever it is he has plans, or stay out of his range, and see what he does from here. Dickie sees the intent but the inability to act on it, and he drops off the rope, but onto the apron. 

The next 5 minutes of this match would go this way. Moore, would power his way toward Dickie, and punish him in some epic way, only to have Dickie maneuver himself out of the danger, and try to reduce Moore to a man who had the strength but not the timing. Both were proven unsuccessful. 

Dane and Shawn were finally tagged in after Moore suplex Dickie off the turnbuckle, but Dickie placed his arm over Moore’s face, ensuring that the back of his head would hit the mat as hard as possible.

Upon entering the ring, Shawn and Dane, both too interested in getting their hands dirty, forgot about the stip and instead went right to work on each other. Shawn ducking a clothesline leads to him whipping himself off the ropes, and attempting a sliding kick to take the legs out from under Preston. Dane sees it coming and jumps over his slide and trys to kick Shawn in the head, but Shawn crosses his hands in front of his face and catches Dane’s foot, causing him to slam against the mat with a thud.

For the next 5 minutes, Dane and Shawn would go round and round, showing how matched they are. And then suddenly, they remembered the table. Shawn slides out first with Dane following his lead. At the NSQ table, Shawn looks over the possible items, and grabs the Wreath of Jello, and slides into the ring, it jiggling the entire way. As Dane slides into the ring with the cookie. Shawn rushes him and slaps him with the wreath, leaving a welt on his chest as he falls to the ground, cookie still in his hand.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: That’s not jello. That’s ballistic gel.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: You can tell that from here?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: I could tell it from anywhere but your seat.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: My seat?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Because if I was sitting there I’d be you.

Shawn inspects the ‘jello’ and realizes it’s a lot more substantial of a weapon than he initially thought. As Dane begins to stand, Shawn whips the jello at him again, and welting his flesh in the impact area immediately. Shawn pulls the jello with all of his might and tears the ring, making it a large long piece instead of a small circle. He continues to whip at Dane, who finally gets in close so he can’t swing it, and grabs him around the waist, and belly to belly hims to the side, slamming him down on the cookie. Shawn pups up, and we see that the gumdrop eyes and nose are actually thumbtacks, and they are not embedded in his lower back. Shawn falls to the mat and reaches behind him, pulling the tacks out as Dane looks at the blood rushing to his effect areas. 

As Dane reaches down to grab Shawn, Shawn throws a handful of cookie dust into the eyes of Dane, making this the third blinding we’ve seen tonight? Fourth? Who can keep count.

Shawn goes to grab his jello mold, but Brandon rips it out of the ring and chucks it into the crowd, cursing at Warstein all the while.

5 minutes go by, with Shawn going after Dane’s injured areas, and Dane doing the same to Shawn. After a they’d finally done enough to each other as well as having had enough done to them, Dane and Shawn finally tagged out, and Dickie and Moore came back in, but wasting no time, Brandon and Dickie went right to the table. This time, Moore grabbed the jello mold and Dickie grabbed the cookie. As they ran in the ring, Moore’s jello mold fell apart, and began to melt immediately. Dickie reared back with his cookie the size of a chair and when he went to bring it down onto Dane, he finds that the cookie is gone and all he has is a handful of crumbs.

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: ..and there’s the hook. Some of them might be weapons, others might just be food.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: It’s like diabetes the match!

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Too soon.

J MICHAEL BRILLIANCE: Too soon?

DAMON ‘HAVOK’ RIGGS: Yea, too soon since the last shitty joke you told.

Dickie and Moore toss away their shattered pieces of food grade weaponary, and instead begin to use their actual hands. 

3 minutes later, Brandon Moore was bleeding from brutal hurricanrana style ddt. And Dickie was limping due to Moore grabbing him by the ankle and almost ripping his leg clear off. So when they tagged out, it wasn’t because they had forgotten their strategy, It was because they were too tired to care.

On that tag, Dane and Shawn entered the ring, but only after grabbing their weapons. Dane held off, watching as Shawn grabbed the ham and mashed potato candy cane, and so Dane grabbed the same. And when they entered the ring, Warstein swung his at Dane, and slabs of ham and mashed potatoes flew off, and landed all over the ring, as the entire thing was only held together by a series of pipe cleaners twisted together,

Dane on the other hand, swung his and when the meat and mashed fell off, he was left with a very nice little stick, that cut the air just right when he whipped it at Shawn.

Whipping it wildly, Shawn did his best to avoid it, but Dane was fast, and the parts that got hit by the thin stick were definitely worse for wear after. Dane, having gotten his revenge, threw the stick away, and Moore yelled “WHY” upon seeing it.

Dane and Shawn went hard and fast, and each took every opportunity to take the other out, and then after Dane caught Dickie’s cross body block and turned it into a sideways slam, Dickie crawled toward the corner, and Dane turned to Moore, looking to tag.

On the other side of the ring, Dickie went under the rope, and Shawn came in. Neither of them having touched the other. Moore came forward after tagging Dane, and Shawn and he continued their dance from earlier, Shawn got the upper hand, and bursted over the top rope and to the floor. Grabbing the loaf of fruit cake, he slid into the ring at the same point when Moore did, and the two of them broke open their fruit cakes to see what was inside.

Brandon Moore watched with amusement as Shawn broke open his to find nothing but fruit, and cake, within. And then, Brandon broke open his, and found something truly horrifying.

More fruit and more cake.

The two men threw the cake to the side, and as they did, elf after elf came out from the back to remove the tables and broken pieces of cake. Which wouldn’t have been a bad thing, had Dickie Watson, the legal man in the match, had not climbed the turnbuckle and was poised for action. Shawn ran at Moore, and hit him with a knee to the stomach, at the same time that Dickie leaped off the top rope, and placed his foot against the back of Moore’s head. As Dickie covered, Dane entered the ring, but was stopped by Warstein, who hit him with a rolling kick to the head and stumbled him backward.

3 seconds later, NSQ had once again found themselves on top. And as Dane and Moore argued over who was to blame, Dickie and Shawn talked in the corner, happy to have had their plan work. In fact, they were so impressed with themselves that they didn’t even notice the elves slowly closing in on them. Brandon and Dane, no longer fighting, stood behind Watson and Warstein. And when they elves closed in, So did they.

Hammering away on the NSQ members, Dane, Brandon, and the 4 other elves, kicked and punched and stomped on the two downed men. Moments later, and not a moment too soon, Kasey Winterborn, Aiden Reynolds, and Betsy Granger made their way to the ring, and chased away the entire group with weapons they’d picked up along the way.

Brandon Moore and Dane laughed, and pointed at the two men on the ground. “Which of you are safe, when your best two are in the most danger? This isn’t revenge. This is the warning shot.”

Betsy and Kasey hovered over Dickie and Shawn, as Aiden watched the group vanish into the crowd. As we slowly fade out, we can hear Kasey yell out…

‘where the fuck is Raven?’