An Inside Look: Part 2
By: Roger Wright
Date: 5th Aug 2021
With his right hand Roger retrieved a glass of water off the table and took a sip. A small exhale followed as he set the glass back down and resettled himself in the chair.
slow sinking feeling kills the mood you’re conveying
and it pulls me far down below it might be best if you go
can it not wait and hope for the best
will it not stop a while to rest
I need to get up nevermind cause I’ve done enough
Where am I going? Whatís next? Thatís the million dollar question, everyone is thinking it, everyone is asking it, including myself. I wish there was a great answer, that I could come out and just tell everyone what I am going to do. Let them know I am coming back, or that I am going to slip away into the void, vanish from their lives as fast as I arrived all those years ago. The answer escapes me though, the question plagues me, and still there is no easy way to approach it.
Letís talk about the pros of going back. Getting back into the ring means that I would be doing the one thing I have loved doing, I would get to feel the rush of thousands of fans screaming for me. Hell the rush of them booing me as well, their eyes on me, waiting for me to lose, to win, at the edge of their seats wondering what is going to happen. There is no feeling in this world that compares to being in that ring one on one with someone else, knowing that it is you versus them, and everyone is watching, waiting to see what you are going to do.
That rush, I miss it, I would be lying if I told you otherwise. But is it worth it? Do I go back for the rush? Going back means the bruises, the broken bones, the physical pain that comes with stepping into the ring. It means nights in the hospital, trying to hide bruises from my daughter. Being a role model and telling your kid violence isnít the answer is hard when you step between those ropes and go toe to toe with someone else. When she knows your job is to hurt the other person before they hurt you.
Does going back make me a hypocrite to my daughter? Will she ten years from now resent me for being what I so diligently tried to keep her from becoming? Can I explain to her the feeling I get from the rush, explain to her that it is what I am good at? That is just the surface of it, there is so much more to delve into. Letís not forget that wrestling is single handedly the reason for all this is good in my life, and all that is bad.†
Wrestling brought me to Blair, it put her in my path and me in hers. But from that evil came the beauty that is Marie, single handedly the greatest thing I have ever accomplished in my life. Now I am not saying that if I go back I will have another kid with some woman, but itís hard to be so upset about what led me to something so great and beautiful.
Yet when the thought of Blair enters my mind, rage and anger fill my heart. My hands tighten and my fingers curl into a ball. Maybe itís a natural response given all that has happened, or maybe I am just holding a grudge, one that I should let go of. Hence the idea that maybe it is time to move on. But then everytime I think about walking away I am reminded of what my legacy will be with how everything ended.†
Most people have probably forgotten about Blair, she is gone and the whispers of her name have faded faster than a black cotton shirt being continuously washed in the machine. I would be lying if I said that didnít scare me. Being forgotten, no one remembering me and what I did in that ring scares me. To know that you can be at the forefront of everyoneís thoughts one day and not even as much as an afterthought is downright terrifying.†
the world waits around but I keep slipping and losing ground
do I not try so hard so good
I can’t keep changing just because you think I should
Then there is the reality that I donít know if I can go back and keep doing what I was doing, that I have to change who I am. But I donít want to change who I am, I don’t want to become something I am not just to succeed, just to make people happy. I spent a lifetime trying to make others happy, and in the end answering this question is about finding out what makes me happy. Maybe that is the answer, I do what makes me happy.†
What makes me happy? Marie makes me happy, climbing into the ring makes me happy, the last few months have made me happy. But there’s always a hole, sometimes it is filled, Blair filled a hole in my heart for a while before she ripped it out. Then Anicka did the same, but she ripped it out. All my life I have wanted a family, wrestling has gotten me close, in a way it has provided a surrogate family to me, a camaraderie amongst competitors that though short lived as felt genuine at times.†
But everything that feels great with wrestling ultimately comes back to haunt me later. Call me a hopeless romantic but deep down inside I think there has to be someone out there for me, someone who can love me for who I am and not for what using me can get them. Yeah it sounds jaded, sounds bitter, but it seems to be the only thing I have found in my life over the years. Is that wrestlingís fault or is it mine?
There is always that thought in the back of my mind, clawing at my brain like a rat trapped in a box. If I go back will it all just happen again, will another woman come calling, will she stand beside me until an opportunity comes? Yeah I am jaded, a broken puppy, a sad sack, whatever expression you want to use, but itís hard to be anything else when you have experienced the same thing over and over.†
Just talking about this, just getting the chance to get it out, it has helped me, I know the answer now, I know what I have to do. It isnít what everyone will want, it isnít even what I probably thought would happen. But it is what I need to do, and it is what I am going to do. Now is not the time to tell the world, that will come later, when I am ready for everyone else to know, for now this is my secret, and my secret alone.†
said all I need to and you don’t understand still
wish you saw picture my minds eye are deep and they’re cynical
one taken 4 more kills the pain healing that sores
I’ve taken what’s left I took it all
and now you won’t let me forget
You know about Blair, we have talked about that at length, but Anicka, now that’s another story. Sure you know all about her, but you donít know the details, donít understand what she truly did to me. See Anicka was a different kind of evil, one that I didnít see until it was too late. There have been many people in my life that have manipulated me, tricked me, used me for their own gain, but Anicka felt different, and in the end she was.
Maybe it was Marieís attachment to her that blinded me to what was happening, or maybe it was the fact I genuinely felt happy. Either way the pain she caused was worse than any Blair could have perpetrated. Anicka didnít just hurt me, she hurt Marie, and as a father that made me feel like the bad guy, made me feel like an asshole. I am the one that allowed Anicka to get close enough to hurt her, I am the one that ignored everything that people told me.†
Shane was right from the beginning, he warned me, told me just what was going to happen. He went to extremes to prove it, and each time I ignored him, brushed him off thinking I knew better, thinking nothing that felt this good could be that evil. Clearly my brain was not remembering what had happened with Blair, I was purely focused on the fact the sex was great. Make no mistake, Anicka is a great fuck, I mean damn she really knows how to fuck. Hell she should sheís had a lot of practice with a lot of different partners.†
That is not a thinly veiled attempt to call her a whore, or slut, just an acknowledgement of what she would tell you if she were here. That was part of the attraction if you ask me, the fact that she was always just who she was. She didnít shy away from being herself, she wore what others called flaws on her sleeve like a badge of honor. They didnít make her weak, they fueled her to another level.†
There was something so attractive about that. It was so attractive that it blinded me to what it really meant. Looking back now everything pointed to things going the exact way they did. You canít make a wife out of a whore, again not that Anicka is a whore, it’s just an expression. But I tried to change her into something she was never meant to be, tried to make her something she could never truly be. Sure she could fake it for a week, a few months, but the real Ani was always destined to come out.†
The real Ani did show up and she showed up with a vengeance. But now I am rambling to be honest, just talking about nonsense that no one would really want to know. Truth is I want to blame everyone else, I wanted to blame the fans, blame Ani, blame Shane, hell even blame X, but they all warned me. Everyone tried and I didnít listen, the only one to blame is me.
cause the world waits around but I keep slipping and losing ground
do I not try so hard so good
I can’t keep changing just because you think I should
In the end, I know where I am going, I know what is next. In time so will you, so will everyone else, but for now this is my secret to keep. I will keep doing what I have been doing, keep being happy because at the end of the day that is what my decision will be about, being happy.
TO BE CONTINUED….