The cheapest picture frame he’d ever seen. It was nothing more than 4 pieces of wood glued to each other and painted white. But they all couldn’t be eye catchers. Especially when the focal point of these is supposed to be what is inside it and not it itself.
beep 3.99 This one wasn’t as cheap, but was still pretty flimsy. Had a bit of ornate design but looked like the kind of thing that’s just stamped out of a large, weirdly phallic looking device. beep 6.99 This one was surprisingly nice for the money. Felt like baked clay almost. Design was lovely. Someone absolutely effed up putting the price so low, but be damned if he was gonna point that out. beep 2.98This was another simple frame but this one has a small sunflower in the lower left corner. Or upper right? It could be either really. But it would be neither. Sunflowers weren’t on brand so he’d snap it off and if there was a spot he couldn’t improve he’d just find something else to stick there. Like a plastic halloween bat or beer cap from one of their favorites.
beep 14.57 Two cans of Krylon DIY gold spray paint. Each frame would be sanded so as the paint would stick, and some parts would be sanded rougher than others to give it a good distinct look. He wasn’t sure this would work at all, but he was excited to do it. To have something to do, anyway. The girl behind the counter in the red apron smiled and not because she recognized him, but because she thought he was handsome. She could be holding a neon sign depicting such and Murphy would not notice. He would instead just slide his card into the slot, as he’d done, and go through the gambit of button presses to pay that didn’t anger him. But annoyed him more and more as time went on. ‘Do you want to donate to our charity so we can have a huge write off?’ No, thanks, you got enough money from me. Are you sure you wanna pay this much? Does anyone ever reconsider at this point? Did someone go through legal action because they didn’t think the little screen was serious? Fucking people. Murphy was already at the car when he finally stopped his internal rant about automated systems. He went to shut the nissan altima’s trunk and it slammed with a bang. He wasn’t used to this car, nor its trunk made of what was probably several of those picture frames melted down. The last car they had, the trunk was heavy as hell and took a lot of force to close. What that car was he couldn’t remember. But he’d never forget this car. Not because of how well it drove or even the trunk, but the fucking salesmen. They’d gone out to Staten Island due to Sarah knowing a guy who knew a guy or something such as that. The salesmen that helped looked more like a MLM expert than he did a salesman, with his fake tan, terrible hairstyle and body mannerism like some kid emulating a rapper on tik tok.Guido The Salesguy
” Something they don’t tell ya is; These cars are race cars. No shit, you look under the hood of any nascar, any one, you’re gonna see the Altima engine. But they keep it out the news because Nissan isn’t an american company and Nascar doesn’t wanna lose the good old boys. But get in this car and bet money you don’t burn any car you see. No car can keep up with the Altima. So what’d say? You wanna win some races? ”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”I’m ‘bout te win teh race to get teh fuck away fr’m yeh.”
Sarah Wolf
” Not if I kneecap you.”
Sarah Wolf
” You see that toaster? That’s how NASA sends their rockets to the moon. They just don’t tell you because they don’t want that many rockets on the moon because of how the tides would react. Go to the moon see how many toasters you find.”
Sarah Wolf
” You see that coffee cup? They make guns out of that material. No shit, its because it can contain the heat from the explosion. Go on, find a gun, any gun, and pour coffee into it. It’s gonna stay warm.”
Dani The Bartender
”What’s popping, Midas?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Good one. Was in the midst of a project and got the gut call. Figured I’d rush down.”
Dani The Bartender
”I was wondering if I was gonna see you today. Today’s your anniversary isn’t it?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Of sorts, yeah.”
Dani The Bartender
”Big plans? Besides pissing off my other regulars.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Oh calm it. I’ll pay for teh little man’s dinner if it makes it less sandy for yeh.”
Dani The Bartender
”Less tude, more story. What’s the plan?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”We picked up this really nice fish at teh market teh other day. Gonna bake it in tomahtas and garlic. Gonna come out lovely. She loves herself a good fish. Not the kind you like, tho.”
Dani The Bartender
”….what?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”…Yeh a lesbian?”
Dani The Bartender
”…what makes ya think that?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”…teh bowtie?”
Dani The Bartender
”So a bow tie means lesbian. Roger Ebert wore a bow tie, was he a lesbian?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”He sure as hell looked like one.”
Dani The Bartender
”Bow ties are not an indicator of someone’s sexual orientation, my guy. You’re gonna get canceled if you’re not careful.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”…tell me I’m wrong.”
Dani The Bartender
”What?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Tell me I’m wrong. Go on. Say it. Say yeh not a lesbian.”
Dani The Bartender
”…well I am. But not all lesbians wear bow ties!”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”But every woman who does is a lesbian, let’s be frank. And there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian, love. Plenty of good women are. The best ones are really. I got lesbian friends.”
Dani The Bartender
”Other than me?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Not currently but i’m working on it.”
Dani The Bartender
”…you’re such a dick.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Professionally actually. You catch the show? That TK Lang was awfully mad about being sent to the laundry. Figured his linens could use some cleaning since he keeps shitting the bed and all.”
Dani The Bartender
”Isn’t that frowned upon in your business? Not actually fighting?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”I tell ya. I never really gave a fuck. The fans love me for shite like it, so who’s gonna convince me nawtah?”
Dani The Bartender
”Alright my guy. I’m gonna put in a special order for you. Something new. You want a pitcher?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”You pitch it I’ll catch it.”
Dani The Bartender
”….weirdo.”
Dani The Bartender
”So what’s this project?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Top secret I’m afraid. Have to kill yeh and all.”
Dani The Bartender
”Come on, man. Maybe I use the idea for my girlfriend.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Of which you live with, yeh?”
Dani The Bartender
”And?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Lass, come on. It’s a well known fact that lesbians move in right on. ‘Hey i just met you, this is crazy, we’re both lesbies, so move in maybe.’ you know i’m right.”
Dani The Bartender
”Why are you such a ball buster?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”I am no such thing. I’m a ribber. RIbbed for your pleasure. Not that you’d know.”
Dani The Bartender
”Oh honey. You don’t even know.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Actually I do but that came out faster than I could stop meself.”
Dani The Bartender
”You’ve busted my balls enough for one night, now tell me what you’re doing.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Alright, So I took a bunch of picture frames, and I found pictures of us at all these different places. And I constructed this neat little time line of our relationship, From start to now. I’m very excited about how it’s turning out.”
Dani The Bartender
”My guy, that is dope.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Yeah, there was this massive blank wall in the bedroom. Was driving me nuts.”
Dani The Bartender
”My art teacher used to call that shit ‘no-no space.’ To this day i can’t see a blank part of a painting the same.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”My no-no space is my arsehole. And it’s staying empty.”
Dani The Bartender
”This conversation took a turn.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”It usually does. Hey, my food is up.”
Dani The Bartender
”What’s with the look?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”…it’s a cutlet? What’s new about a cutlet?”
Dani The Bartender
”It’s not a cutlet. It’s chicken fried steak!”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”…ah fuckin chicke fried this steak?”
Dani The Bartender
”Don’t be extra. It’s a skirt steak pounded down, marinated, and then breaded and fried like it was chicken. It’s so good. I had it for lunch today and was blown away.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”You also told me that the end of that movie The Grey blew you away, and let me tell you something, no one besides you thought Liam wasn’t mercing them wolves.”
Dani The Bartender
”Just eat. I gotta go do my job.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Before the chicken that cooked this takes it?”
Dani The Bartender
”…so what’d ya think?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”I think I’m gonna bash his head in with a chair, regardless of the consequences and repercussions.”
Dani The Bartender
”Who?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Joe Mon-”
Dani The Bartender
”SHHH! You crazy?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”What?”
Dani The Bartender
”This is new york, my guy. This is his home. He’s LOVED. ”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”You think I’m scared of these pounces? They look like they can’t even beat their meat. By the way, speaking of, this is fucking terrible. Waste of a good piece of steak. What’s it with you people and the frying of shite? Oreos, twinkies, innocent black men for crimes they nae commit?”
Dani The Bartender
”Seriously. Joe Mont is old school.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Joe Mont is ancient. As in not a viable commodity in this day and age. If harrison ford caught a lookit ‘em, he’d yell out ‘belongs in a museum.’ And this shite with him chasing down a woman already married, give it a break. Chances of a woman leaving a guy like Dane, who has literally and legitly everything a girl could want, is somewhere between slim, and none. Sure he’s loving this new found fucking confidence, but it’s short lived. His glory days are behind him and if he keeps fucking lookin back at them, they’re gonna break his neck before I do.”
Dani The Bartender
”…you make it a habit to count people out?”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Nae, never. Which is why I’m considering the bashing thing. Speaking of which, take this shite in the back of have someone dumb eat it. Bring me that burger with the deer meat. And another pitcher while yeh up.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Why’d yeh go and do that?”
Dani The Bartender
”I tried to stop you from falling, genius.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”I fall down for a livin’, lass. Next time mind yeh own.”
Dani The Bartender
”Serves me right for helping you.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”I am perfectly capable of getting meself to wherever it was I intended to go.”
Dani The Bartender
”Fuck… Nice place.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Thanks. Twas forced upon me, tho.”
Dani The Bartender
”What’s with the curtains? I bet you have a great view!.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Heights and meself do not agree, Dani. Leave them closed ‘fore I empty me guts at the thought.”
Dani The Bartender
”Alright…I’m gonna put your food in the fridge. You should go drink some water and get some rest.”
Murphy Doyle Maher
”Aye…Thanks again for knocking me over. ”
Sarah Wolf
” Hello? “
Dani The Bartender
” …Is this Sarah Wolf? ”
Sarah Wolf
” Yes, who’s this? “
Dani The Bartender
”Sorry, wrong number.”
Sarah Wolf
” You know my fucking name but it’s a wrong num- “