Dependence

By: Ophelia Pain

Date: 28th Jul 2021

My eyes snapped open…my heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt tears in my eyes and on my cheeks. I sat up searching frantically when the door opened slowly and quietly, LC sneaking in holding a bowl of cereal, a 2 liter of Coke, and a bag of Doritos. He turned around, smiling and chewing, bobbing his head to whatever beat is in his head…he turned around and saw me sitting up in bed with a distressed look on my face…

Did I wake you up?

No…I woke me up…

You okay?

No…can you come here for a second? I just need a hug…

He set all of his snacks down and slid in bed next to me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me gently on my forehead over and over again…

What happened, baby?

Just a really bad dream…then I woke up and you were gone…just…just scared me….

Aw, O…I’m still here…

He stroked my hair, but I felt him eyeballing his bowl of cereal over the top of my head. I looked up, kissed his stubbly chin…

Eat your snacks before they go soggy…

You sure?

Yeah…I think I’m gonna go for a walk…

Oh…you want me to come with you?

No…no…I need to have a chat with someone…

You’re going on a walk alone to have a-oh….oh yeah…okay…give her hell…

Fuck you, Opie…

I will…I’ll be back soon.

I grabbed his hoodie and threw it over my head, smooched his cheek, and headed outside…

I flipped the hood up when I walked out into the dark and started down the walking trail around the farm toward the horse pasture…

Long time no talk…lover boy has been taking up all my time…

All YOU’RE time?! We had an agreement! I didn’t medicate if you stayed out of my dreams, goddammit! You don’t get to go back on out deal just because you feel neglected…

Neglected? You’ve been pretending like I don’t exist…that hurts, Pheely…that really hurts…

Oh fuck you…you’re mad I haven’t needed you for a couple weeks so you’re going to start trying to make me miserable…

Why would I ever do a thing like that?

Because if I’m happy, I don’t need you…and it’s impossible to completely ignore you so you want me to be crazy and alone…you can’t get rid of Jeffree because he’s just as fucked in the head as I am…I swear to God…you’re like a fucking parasite…

Interesting you went with parasite instead on like…an STD…

STDs are easy to get rid of…you require intravenous antibiotics and a 2 week quarantine…

She cackled in my head at the comparison…

Let it never be said that you don’t know your way around adjectives …thats what I love about you Ophelia…

That and I’ve experienced enough trauma in my life to give you a voice…

I stopped walking and sighed…I looked up at the sky…

You really think this kid is gonna stick around?

Meaning?

Eventually…you’re going to slip up and the real you pops out…

You mean you?

Essentially…

Let me break it down for you this way…you do anything to compromise this relationship, I go to the doctor the next day and pop Xanax until you’re nothing but a distant and terrible memory…

If he can’t handle me, why would you waste your time?

Because I am not YOU, Murder…YOU are ME…YOU do what I say! Thats the only way this continues to work! Without me, you don’t exist…

And without me? You’d still be giving handjobs behind the AutoZone…

I sighed angrily…she was right. If it hadn’t been for her, I probably would have been dead on Walt’s mantle right next to my dad…

You need me, Ophelia…you need me worse than anything…no one else has been or will ever be what you need like I can be…

Jesus…you sound like an abusive husband…

Worse…I’m the voice in your head…you can just leave an abusive husband…it’s gonna be a lot harder to get rid of me…

I rubbed my face with my hand and looked up to see one of the horses had meandered over and stuck its nose through the fence…I started scratching her snout…

What about when he leaves?

We haven’t really acknowledged that just yet…

He IS leaving though right?

In a couple of days…

Good…

I rolled my eyes as the horse pressed her head into my hand…at a certain point, I knew I was going to have to return to reality and think with my head instead of my heart…

And vagina.

You have to admit…he can lay the pipe…

That he can…but I have a question…

No I don’t think he’s with me for my money…

Its a fair question…

I know EVERYONE thinks this is just because I’m tired of being alone…everyone thinks we’re moving too fast…everyone thinks that I’m looking for someone to rescue me…I’ve rescued myself and I deserve some goddamned credit…

Settle down…you stopped doing heroin…not beat cancer…

I sighed, patted my horse’s head, and she sauntered away…I stood staring at my horses, thinking about how far I’d come…

We really have come a long way, haven’t we?

We?

Hell yeah ‘we’…you tried to get rid of me and your life went to shit…

And by that you mean…I tried to medicate myself and balance my brain chemistry so I don’t talk to myself in public anymore?

Something like that…

I paused for a bit…

Why can’t I get my life right without you?

Because you need me just as much as I need you…I protect you…I keep this pretty little head of our’s out of your ass…unless of course, our pussy and heart team up…then it’s a pretty strong battle that I usually win…

And you think that’s what’s happening with LC? Pussy and Heart are teaming up against you?

Nah…I’m going to let them think they’re winning for now…get my own urges satisfied…

You’re gross…

I’m you…

Are you saying…..”I know you are but what am I”?

Maybe…in not so many words…

You’re an idiot…

Again…I’m you, idiot…

I yawned and decided it was probably time to head back to the house. I wasn’t sure how long

I stood here petting horses, but the fog had grown thicker since I stopped…

Part of me missed heroin…it made my life simple when all I cared about was getting a fix…and I for sure didn’t give a shit about whether or not I had friends…or whether or not the man I was sleeping with was sleeping with other women…Allowing LC into my life was opening a door to my heart that would allow it to be broken which would send me on a search to find something to seal the break again…

More voices?

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. The sun was starting to rise over the mountains, coloring the sky a beautiful mix of light pinks and purples…I always loved watching the sun rise out here. It was beautiful…simple…quiet…so few of my days were that way anymore…

I happened to look up and noticed someone walking towards me. A smile curled at the corner of my lips when I realized it was LC. He smiled when we made eye contact…he took his hands out of his pants pockets and folded me into his arms as soon as he was close enough to me. I wrapped my arms around him and inhaled…

You’ve been gone for a long time…

I lost track of how late it was…the horses needed some attention…

And Murder…

She always needs attention…she’s like a toddler…

Fuck you…both of you…

He kissed me on the forehead and pressed his cheek against the top of my head…

Its pretty out here…

Thats why I love it…

Still not as pretty as you…

UGH! GAG!!

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I sighed heavily and he kissed the top of my head again. He unfolded his arms from around me and nodded his head back toward the house…I jumped on his back and piggy backed the whole way back with Murder yelling in my head how disgustingly cheesy the whole thing was…

I was annoyed with the way things were developing…LC and I were catching shit left and right for the way our relationship was progressing…everyone has an opinion…we’re being too public…

I’ve been alone and friendless for a very long time…when you’ve got the desire to please as strongly as I do, it makes it hard to be alone. After I left OPW, it was like I didn’t exist anymore…everyone that said I meant something to them just acted like I fell off the planet…

When I got cast in Cruella….radio silence…

When Louis Vuitton hired me as the spokes woman for their new perfume line…..nothing…

The Met Gala, Revlon, Vogue? I achieved and celebrated everything on my own…I shouldn’t need people…

But I had to admit to myself that I do…and that’s hard to deal with in this business…everyone wants to be a lone wolf…Not me…personally or professionally…I want friends…I need people…

Which makes this week’s match all the more exciting and unfair…the newest edition to the FIGHT NYC roster, Kasey Winterborn, is my opponent this week. My self-proclaimed bestie was facing off against me in my second match here. She seems so sweet with a similar childhood to mine…just with less drugs and trauma…and slutty step mothers…

Her man is a part of the FIGHT roster, which made things a tiny bit more nerve wracking for me…I wasn’t sure how much of a problem he would be during he actual match…I know LC will be ringside, but I also know that he likes to get under people’s skin. So hopefully, Shawn understands that there is no malice behind this match for me.

Despite the fact that, according to Twitter, our match is billed as The Match of The Night! The pressure was mounting…especially the pressure I’m now putting on myself…I’m Kasey’s first match here in FIGHT, but she’s my second…I’m going into the match with not the greatest record and the odds are against me…the lack of faith people have in me is disheartening…

But the faith that I have to have in myself is going to have to overrule that. I’m going to have to be stronger than my head…and stronger than Miss Murder…stronger than my own fear of being disliked…

That’s right…I admit it…I’m afraid people won’t like me and that influences a lot of my decisions…but right now? I don’t really give a shit who thinks LC and I are moving too fast…I don’t really give a shit who is and isn’t proud of me anymore…

All I care about at this point is giving the world the best Ophelia Pain I can…chewing gum and kicking ass…

And I’m all outta gum 😉