Faded

By: Bam Miller

Writing Prompt: No

Date: 27th Dec 2021

For a while now I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night from the same dream over and over again as it plays in my head like a record stuck on repeat. I try to drink it away and forget the feelings and pain that make me weak, but even so, it does more harm than good as I spend my time throwing up and recovering from yesterday’s binge. I even took time off from Fight because I wasn’t feeling my best, I look deep inside the mirror and see someone I don’t even recognize, and truth be told I’ve never recognized myself and find it hard figuring out who I am. It’s like I’m walking around in a maze blindfolded and I never find the answer. Drinking away until I blackout and try the same routine over again, sometimes I wonder why my parents left me but what’s it matter if I knew the truth? I’ll still know they thought they were better off without me and hell they might even be right because I’m not even good with myself. 

I always thought I wanted love from someone and for someone to care for me and claim as their own but when I had Diamond at my side and all of her love and support, I still felt empty inside like a hollow oak tree that’s dying on the inside. So instead of letting her know where I stand, I decided to go have someone Anicka Swan, my plans were never to just straight out sleep with her but being out on the road on my Harley-Davidson with the wind blowing through my hair and seeing Anicka riding her own bike like a pro made me feel alive and free. Once we took a dip in a lake all bets were off and so was our close. Now I knew she had a reputation but at that moment I didn’t care, and I didn’t care about Diamond at all, I know it’s fucked up to say but at that time being selfish and thinking about me made me feel some type of life in me, why still hollow I at least felt a passion in me and maybe it was just the great sex or maybe something else, but after that, I knew I had to tell Diamond the truth because even though it would hurt her it would set me free of my guilt and I will be able to move on from someone I no longer felt for.

As you can imagine she took the news like any angry woman that just learned she had been cheated on twice, Oh yeah forgot to mention I took a detour on my way home and dipped into some more goodies before I broke the news to her. So yeah she left my stuff laying out on the road neatly stacked and left a note wishing me all the best in my future endeavors. I laughed at the note myself, she always was so clever with her words and why many thought I was out of home, Anicka offered me a spot in one of her buildings. I stay there from time to time but I spend most of my days in a bar from morning to damn near night, sometimes the bartender has to wake me up at closing time. 

I know it looks like a bad look to some but to me the bar is the only place that felt like home and where I can find peace from people like Austin Ramsey who runs his mouth like the bitch he is when it comes to my break up with Diamond, hell he’s more upset than she is, Sometimes I feel like Austin wanted to be hurt his whole time and that’s why he is so upset that someone would do her like that, and the fact he always mentions my name when he gets a chance and it shows how obsessed he is with me, I’ve contacted Diamond and Todrick numerous of times to handle her man, but they make excuses and blamed it on his multiple personalities and why that may be true I can’t help but want to punch him so hard that all of them would become one.

I thought I wanted to come back and help fight the good fight against NSQ but after how I’ve been treated by people like Ricky, Jeannie, and Austin, who judge me for my personal life and think they’re so perfect to sit up on their high horse and judge me makes me want to say fuckem all and do my own thing, If they want to throw rocks why they live in their glass houses then find be my guess but don’t pick up the phone when NSQ shatters your fragile ego and weak souls. As I rely heavily more on myself these days I know exactly what my next move will be, number one I really want to get Austin inside a ring and best his fucking brains in into they turned to mush but that would land me in jail so I’ll just settle for kicking his ass and step two is to reach out to someone I used to find so disgusting and treacherous, but I also respect him and appreciate the battle we last had, I always saw him as a threat I needed to overcome or a goal I needed to accomplish but now I see him as the light in the darkness that consumes me. He’s giving me a way out and a way to find myself, he has all the answers, and now it’s time for me to accept them. It’s time I enter The House Of M.

I know what everyone is thinking didn’t they both kick my ass and leave me lying in a hospital bed and yes that’s all true but now as I sit here on the edge of my bed, thinking deeply to myself I understand I needed to know pain, I thought I knew what true pain was but after what I’ve been through these last couple of weeks I know that agony now, I know the feeling of being absolutely alone in my life and now in ready to join a family that I can finally call my own. I will ride to the House of M and see if the Faded one will accept me into his sanctuary. If so you better all pray because what comes next will change everything!