Hoes On Vacation

By: Ophelia Pain

Date: 8th Jul 2021

Zzzzzt zzzzt zzzzt

Ugh…I’m getting too fucking old for yard work…

Zzzzzt zzzzzt zzzzzt

If Walt doesn’t get some damned fly strips for this house or stop leaving the windows open, he’s gonna catch these hands…

Zzzzzt zzzzt zzzzt

Oh fuck…thats my phone!

I opened my eyes, lifted my head up, and grabbed my phone. Jeffree was FaceTiming me…damn…its before noon…I hate when he’s in a good mood. I reluctantly pressed the green answer button, yawning widely.

Hello?

Bitch, close that cock sucker…

Morning, heffer…to what do I owe this pleasure…

Did you fall in love last night? Is he still there? What time did you get home?

Damn! Settle down MOM! I haven’t even had any caffiene yet!

I am an hour BEHIND you and it 11 damn 30…I’ve already had a meeting and 3 phone calls today…what have you done besides stuff your own turkey?

Stuff my own turkey? What are you? 9?

Get your ass up! I wanna hear how your date went!

Alright! Alright! I’m moving!

The noise I made when I sat up did NOT suggest a healthy 32 year old woman, nevertheless, I tucked my stray nipple back into my tank top and tossed my hair up in a messy bun…I had totally forgotten than I went on a date last night. Since Jayson went possessive and psycho, my love life had definitely taken a hit…and I was feeling the lack of “hitting it” if you know what I’m sayin…

Everyone knows what you’re sayin…you’re about as metaphorical as Blues Clues…

I’d been on a grand total of 4 dates since New Years…I didn’t really even WANT to go on the dates, but Jeffree told me I needed to get back out there. I needed to get over Jayson and move the fuck on…I’d been moved on since the falling out…honestly, the hateful shit that was said for doing right by my family was unforgiveable…somehow…this bald headed bitch convinced me that I needed to get the “taste of that small dick energy out of my mouth” and dip my toes back in the water…

Which is a funny way of telling you to try batting a different pair of balls around for a while and see how you feel…

The date was okay…he was cute, but he was the same height as me…

Oh honey nooo…

Thats not that big of a deal to me…not so much as the gap in his front teeth. I swear to God, Jeffree…teenagers could pose between this dude’s teeth for prom pictures…

Jeffree was screaming with laughter on the other end of the phone. As I recounted the details of the date, a part of me became annoyingly sad.

I hate dating…I hate the hunt and the chase. I hate how lonely falling asleep on my vibrator has become. I hate waking up cuddled up to a body pillow warmed up by my own body. But, more than anything, I hate how fucking pathetic I feel wishing that I had just SOMEONE to text or call when I’m feeling alone…it was almost these feelings that drove me to heroin…

Well that and extreme trauma from being with a complete shitbag for years and years…

I rolled my eyes which Jeffree caught…damn his observancy…

Whats wrong?

Huh?

Don’t huh me, bitch…I saw that eyeroll…

Oh nothing…Murder is talkin shit like normal…

Shut the fuck up, fake ass Ophelia…No one wants to listen to your bullshit…

Fuck you, fake ass woman…thats why you don’t have a home, a boyfriend, or the ability to keep friends longer than 6 months without them getting tired of your shit…problematic bitchass piece of-

Stop! Its hard enough to think with you constantly bitching in my brain!

She’s lucky I like you…I’d have tased that cunt long ago for running her dick trap…

At least people have paid to see this dick trap!

Quit it! We’re talking about MY pathetic love life right now, remember?!

Murder’s laughter echoed in my head and Jeffree looked away sheepishly…he always gets embarassed when he lets Murder get to him. He knows how difficult things are for me with her stuck in my head…

Moving on…how’s Walt?

He’s good…says the rain is making his joints hurt, but the grass and garden need it. He’s been significantly more pleasent since I surprised him with central air installed for Father’s Day.

Oh shit! I had a gift I meant to send to him and completely forgot!

You’ve been busy…I’m sure he’ll understand…he’s more concerned on when you’re coming out here since you’re closer in Wyoming.

Haha! I figured that was coming…tell him I’ll be out when we get stuff finalized out here. The housing market fucking sucks right now so selling the house in Hidden Hills is damn near impossible…

You’re basically a real estate mogul though…I’m sure you’ll figure something out…

Hoe I don’t need you to tell me how bad of a bitch I am…but its nice to hear.

He smoothed his wig cap and touched the tip of his tongue to the peak of his cupid’s bow. I chuckled and yawned…

Alright…I better get my lazy ass up and see what kind of havoc Tilly’s wrought upon the house…

Has she gotten any better?

Pfft…please…adolesence came in like a fucking wrecking ball. It was like she went from being my sweet little angel baby to a fucking demon overnight…she keeps saying shit like “Poggers” and “simp”…what the fuck does it mean when they squint their eyes at you, bite their bottom lip, and touch the inside of their elbow with their index and forefinger?

He shrugged at me…

We’re old…

Bitch YOU’RE old…

You graduated high school 5 years before I did, hoe! How the fuck you gonna tell me I’M old?!

Baby age is a state of mind and this pussy is still 18…

Gross…

Jealous…

Ugh…I fucking miss you.

I miss you too…I’ll text you later…I’ve got to get ready for a meeting…

Alright…kick ass and take names, babe…Love you…

Love you too…byeeeeee!

The phone beeped and my face was reflected in the screen. I yawned widely and opened up Facebook…nothing interesting…a few funny memes that I save to my phone that made me chuckle…I sighed heavily and begrudginly opened Twitter…

I’d become slightly more active on Twitter since I left OPW…it was one of the only places I could escape Jayson because I’m fairly certain he hadn’t figured out how to use it…

Oh damn…deep burn on a man that used to get deep in your guts…

Ugh…I REALLY don’t need you to remind me how long its been since I’ve had sex, Murder…passing out on my vibrator every other night reminds me plenty…

Ew…

I don’t hear you complaining afterward…

I don’t need to…I do enough of that when I’m awake with you…

My annoyance was soon quieted when a picture interrupted my scrolling…a long haired brunette, green eyed, moderately lipped, slab of man steak staring daggers right into my vagina…

Holy fuck…

I mean…I’m not saying I disagree…

But goddamn…look at those eyes..

I felt a familiar throb that made me annoyed…I decided to end that train of thought by getting out of bed and getting ready for the day…

I spent the majority of the day doing housework, yard work, and texting on and off with Jeffree, the brunette God spending far too much time rent free in my mind…it must have showed because Walt cleared his throat loudly at me…

You okay there, kiddo?

I snapped out of it and was pulled out of 6-pack trance…

Yeah…why whats up?

You just got that far away look in yer eye…you okay?

Oh yeah…I’m just thinkin..

Well yer phones ringin…looks like it’s Jeffree…

Oh shit…what does he want? I’m gonna step out and take this…

Tell him I said ‘hey’..

I muttered a ‘will do’ as I headed out into the Tennessee heat…

Sup?

Pack a bag…I’m sending a car…

Oh? A hoe trip?

You need a vacation…Bora Bora is beautiful this time of year…

Bora Bora?

I threw a dart…pack a bag bitch…the car is pulling up…

This is what I love and hate about my best friend. He doesn’t really ever seem to care that I could have anything more important to do…but he knows me almost better than I know myself most of the time…

What about Tilly and Walt?

I already called Walt…his exact words were ‘good! She needs to get her mopey ass out of this house!’…

And Tilly?

She and Mo are going to Disneyworld for a few days…

Well damn, mom…you’ve taken care of it all…I’ll go pack a bag!

Alright…see you Bora Bora, lovely!

And with that, the screen went black and I was staring at my own bewildered expression. I chuckled and went back inside to see Tilly’s 5 foot 2 frame holding my Louis suitcase out to me with an annoyed look in her eyes…

Here…

Gee thanks! I can’t wait to see what my 14 year old privleged surly for no reason niece packed me for a tropical location…

You don’t trust me?

Not as far as I can throw you…

I opened the bag and sucked my bottom lip at her…

Matilda?

Ophelia?

You think I’m going to wear my “I Got Crabs In Maine” hoodie and fleece Pikachu pants in Bora Bora?

She smiled at me, dripping with contempt, before turning on her heel and heading off to her room…I hastily headed back up to my own room to pack a few bikinis and sundresses before I heard the car pull up outside…I hurriedly smooched a protesting Tilly on her head, returned Mo’s weird salute, and hugged Walt as I rushed out the door.

One of the upsides of living in the biggest house out in the sticks of Nashville is no neighbors…one of the downsides though is that its at least 40 miles from everywhere…

At least we have time to think…

Oh god…PLEASE let there be an email for me to pour over…

I dropped my phone of the floor of the car in my haste to pull it out of my hoodie pocket. I first checked Twitter to shoot off a flirty DM to the brunette bronze hottie before clicking open my email…

Nothing that interesting about business meetings about mine and Jeffree’s new apparel collab coming out,

AfterPay chasing me around to allow them to sell my makeup, and a weird email from someone at FIGHT! NYC…I tapped on it and opened it up…

An address was all that there was in the email…

Huh…that’s weird…

Is that your booty call?

Unless his name is “FIGHT! NYC” I’m highly doubting it…

Well what the fuck is FIGHT! NYC?

I…like you…am JUST now hearing about it…so what the hell answers do you think I have that I’m hiding from you?

Good point…you don’t have to be such a bitch about it…

I’ll google it…

I tapped the name from the address bar of Google and scrolled to find not much information…

It looks like a wrestling company…

Ew…wrestling? Again?

Fuck do you mean ‘ew’? How the hell do you think we got to where we are now?

I think your mouth and vagina have something to do with it…

She cackled in my head as I rolled my eyes…

I have to admit that part of me was tempted to delete the email and never think about wrestling again…but another part of me, the one currently cackling in my head, thirsted for blood…in a metaphorical and literal sense. I had to admit that she had a point…making makeup was fun, but it really wasn’t where my heart is.

It wasn’t where I became “Ophelia Pain”…it wasn’t where I had my heart broken time and time again…it wasn’t where I had experienced the highest highs and lowest lows in my life…it wasn’t where I had met people I considered my family…

In the corniest way, wrestling was home for me…it was where I wanted to be. It’s where I felt complete…its where I found myself and continue to find myself again and again. Very few people in the world know how hard it is to be a part of this world and keep coming back again and again to be used, abused, and thrown out like yesterday’s garbage…

You just referred to yourself as ‘garbage’?

This is my train of thought….fuck off…

I sighed deeply and tried to put it out of my mind as the car pulled into the airport’s private entrance. I wasn’t going to have much time to think with Jeffree jumping and waving next to the private jet. I smiled widely…

He really is a gay gay man isn’t he?

I chuckled as the driver opened my door and people started unloading my suitcase from the trunk…we all loaded the plane and after a thourough inspection of the plane, we were off to Bora Bora…

The trip was long, but we all slept most of the way…Jeffree and his crew getting higher than the plane was to help them along…I mostly flirted with the Twitter hottie and stared out the window. It was a peacefully quiet for me flight…

Once we landed on the island and i saw the turqoise waters, I felt my body almost immediately relax. I shot off one final flirty message to Paul and we got off the plane…

Jeffree directed me to my private bungalow and I got settled in, taking my flirting a little further by snapping a quick picture and putting on my bikini to catch some sun before dinner…

I found myself thinking more and more about the offer I had received in the email from FIGHT! NYC…the address really has me intrigued…more intrigued than sending the directions to my bunglaow to Paul through a DM…

If you want to go work for them so bad, email them back…

I don’t think it’s a respondable address. Either way…I think it would be worth some real thought, Murder…

Ugh…real thought? Whats there to think about? Putting our body on the line for a company that doesn’t appreciate you AGAIN? Bending over backwards for an owner than expects you to put everything in your personal life on hold for this like you aren’t allowed to have one? Spending hours and hours preparing for a lack lustre match thats going to get skipped through or used as ‘bathroom time’ for the crowd?

You’ve more than made your point, Murder…the problem is even though its a very good point….I still want to check it out…

I knew you would…Christ, Ophelia…you’re such a girl…

That benefits us when we’re horny…

Good point…

I chuckled as I pulled my phone out to a Twitter DM reading ‘Landing…be there in about an hour”…

Oh shit…I gotta shave!! AND order dinner! He said he expects to be ‘wined and dined’…

Then 69ed right?

If the evening goes well…

Evening?! We’re tying that fucker up for the weekend!!

Maybe this was my vagina talking, but a weekend in bed with a brunette, tan, 6 packed god sounded pretty fucking excellent…

FIGHT! NYC can wait…the pants party starts now!