Huuuuuuuge Nope

By: Tommy Kain

Date: 9th Jul 2021

Pierre: Are you sure the offices were empty Thomas?

TK: Like School on a Saturday Pierre, El zero peopolo in los buildingo. Place was cleaned out, not even a sticky note on the door that said “GOING OUT OF BUSINESS” not a “Be back in five” or anything.

I tried to call the OPW office line and it went straight to that message you get when you don’t pay your cell phone bill. I think it is over man. I think Styles and his crew smoked up all the profits and left the whole damn company in weird smelling weed ashes.

And just when I was getting used to being the OPW Southern Co Champion. Now I have to go back to just being the undisputed boozerweight champion.

Goat: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Kain and Pierre both whip their heads around to see the cause of their interruption. It was their faithful companion GOAT with an envelope in his mouth.)

G: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

P: You found it placed under the windshield? What it is it?

G: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

P: It is addressed to Thomas, well what is it?

G: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

P:Yes, yes I know it is a federal offense to open someone else’s mail but we are all friends here. I am sure Thomas wouldn’t have minded or likely even noticed.

G: BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

P: Fair point old friend, Thomas is known to have quite a few arch nemeses and Kain getting Unabombered is not as unlikely a scenario as some may believe.

TK: Wow you two, thanks for all the love. But jokes on you two, because anyone trying to kill me would know that I know that reading is for nerds unless it involves Orcs and Knights and Space Marines, and Post-Apocalyptic Nomadic Warriors. Then it is cool but nobody puts those kinds of things in those big ass office envelopes.

This is obviously more than likely a court summons, so let’s open her up and see who I am not paying this week.

(Thomas opens the envelope and does the old “Blow in it to get the letter out” move, which fails miserably because of the size and make of the envelope. So instead TK tries to save face and hope nobody noticed (which they definitely did based on their snickering) and pulls out one sheet of paper.)

 

 

P: Well Thomas, what does it say?

TK: Well, in so many words it just says………………NOPE!!!!

P: Can you please elaborate Thomas.

TK: Well sure Pierre, I would love to.

Have you ever seen Hostel, Thirteen Ghosts, Dead Dudes in the House, any of the Kiljoy movies, how about the Belko Experiment?

P: Yes Thomas, I am familiar with a few of those films, especially the Kiljoy trilogy.

TK: Well, in any movie when you get a mysterious note from a mysterious sender with just an address and a time to be somewhere, nothing good ever happens.

It is never like “Awesome, look at all this beer and naked hot chicks” or “Sweet, look at that brand new PS5 and Xbox XS”

No, it is literally always “Great, look at that pile of mangled bodies hanging from the ceiling” Or “Terrific, there is a giant guy wearing somebody’s face on his face  swinging around a giant axe like Paul Bunyan on a Meth marathon.”

Or

“Hey look, the doors are all locked and even though we don’t know each other, Mr. Speaker box says if we don’t kill each other with these sporks in the next twenty minutes, all our heads get blown into cold lasagna pieces.”

So excuse the holy hell out of me if I decide I want zero part of any of that noise.

So no, I am not going to this building at this address for no damn reason.

P: I have to wonder if this is the same message Paul Montouri received that he called and asked about.

TK: wait, what, Pmont got one of these too?

G: BAHHHHHHHHH

P: GOAT is right, Paul said his presence was requested and he was definitely planning on attending because he knew of several adult films that had begun with the same premise.

It is baffling to me how similar your brains are to each other.

TK: God and damn it.

P: what is the issue Thomas?

TK: I mean isn’t it obvious.  We have to go to this creepy murder party and save Paul and probably Michelle and even Paul’s brother.

They are probably all there already locked In damn room with reverse bear traps on their heads while some cut rate Eli Roth jerks his gerkin to their screams of human suffering.

P: If you truly believe them to be in danger shouldn’t we just contact the authorities.

TK: Ummmmmm, hell and no.  I thought you said you have seen this movie already P.

The cops ain’t gonna help us.  At best they will call us crazy and at worst those bastards in blue are probably in on it.  They probably bring drunks and homeless dudes to the killers because of some deal they have made to keep their families safe or because they are second cousins to the killers.

 

Nah P, this is on us.

We are gonna head into the belly of the beast and we are gonna tickle his taint until he screams for mercy.

P: Well then shouldn’t we devise a plan.

TK: Nope, no time for plans.  We are already behind schedule.  Get in the Bangohhhhh, open up the snacks and crack me a Zima.

We got a best friend to save.

Just know that if somebody tries to eat my arm or something that I am gonna choke that douche rocket on the way down.