I don’t wanna brag but I hate my fucking life

By: Brandon Moore

Writing Prompt: Yes

Date: 5th Nov 2021

Ego Death

 

I fell down again today

 

I was promised there was a better way

 

the lies have become king

 

we are leaving my ego in a sling

 

death came knocking again at midnight

 

by dawn he found he was losing the fight

 

staring down the barrel of society’s loaded gun

 

spread my wings and crucify me.

 

close my eyes and rectify me

 

Now you objectify me

 

breaking down the walls imprisonment

 

if society iS the cure

 

well then I’m the fucking infection

 

losing my sight, never looking right, Quiet

 

now I’ve lost my mind and you’re all going to die

 

you want the truth?

 

if words could kill a man

 

I’D BURY YOU

 

 

 

I have returned to the hole in the wall that feels all too familiar. The constant struggle of trying to rip free from the prison of my own skin. I can’t win. I was never meant for the success of my skeletal figure to slip right through the cracks. I fell again today, just like yesterday. And tomorrow taunts my fragile vision, like death’s cold pale hand reaching out for one last caress. Come on and take my pain away.

 

 

Come on and show me a better way.

 

 

There is no hope within a hopeless heart. I woke up in the midst of madness and saw the world as it really is. I look at myself in the mirror and accept I had something to do with it. Destruction of a statue, once held upon the pedestal of the elite now mentioned as something discreet. I can’t retrace the steps that led me to be caught in the crossfire. I can’t escape the fate that was sealed the day I came to exist as a monumental disgrace.

 

 

Are we really here, or are we lost adrift among the stars that promised us the fortunes of the bold. But when we were young we never thought we would turn into the mold growing beneath the shutters. Now I am headed for the gutter, the path of least resistance. Now come on and spread your gospel. What will you tell them when they ask, “What went wrong?” How can you paint the picture of our paradise lost to eyes that only know this fractured wasteland. The wounds seeping like the curses flooding. Sinking beneath the surface.

 

 

Am I addicted to the misery?

 

 

This is how I’ve always been.

 

 

Building up the walls to keep you out of reach, and I am desperate for your touch. Embrace me, we hate when you don’t love. Refusing to let go so we let it burn, oh will we ever learn? I am so lost inside of my head. My soul is screaming to the heavens above.

 

 

PLEASE DESTROY ME!

 

 

HELP ME FEEL CONNECTED!

 

 

Losing all control of my spirit and hope, the demons creep their way back from the depths they were buried. Whispers dancing lullabies as sweet nothings that mean the world to me. Reality falters into a makeshift requiem of spite and dissolution. Just promise me you will stay strong.

 

 

And carry on.

 

 

I was here to say goodbye, and goodnight, but the gravity doesn’t mean that much to me. The shackles tighten to rape my senses, leaving me a walking catastrophe. All the best pieces of me engraved in you so like a Phoenix I will burn. Follow me, follow me, and we will fall for eternity in the wake of our dismay. All the roads I take leave to the only destination I never intended. So just drive us away, and far.

 

 

Oh woah oh woah oh..

 

 

Is it in the cards we were dealt to return to the start and try this all over again. The torment of a shattered illusion penetrates the fabric of my decency, humility never really mattered much to me. Behold the pale horse for this is a funeral, the death of everything new. And through and through, right on to the other side where my dreams are damned and my sight haunted.

 

 

Wanted, neither dead or alive.

 

 

So pull up a chair..

 

 

WATCH ME BURN!

 

 

The line forms now take your turns and make my stomach turn. Make my being yearn for the violence that captivates my intangible assets. For too long I was a slave to a game but couldn’t behold the steel chains that drug me back into the abyss for one final sweet kiss. Steal my heart again and take from me, my bones. And build upon the imperfection granted to the wishful thinker. The dreamer who is dying for one chance at a thrill; the tragedy being that they never will.

 

 

Fill the empty spaces with a purpose, heavenless to the infinite. The wires touch and jolt the exposure to where we may find forgiveness one more time again, and again, and again until it becomes the reality we longed for. The tomorrow we fought for. The day we will kill them all for. Open my chest and rip my heart from that very space. Where I am going it won’t be needed. Just a loaded .44 and devious intentions, I’ll take back all that was taken, and take what is left.

 

 

Like a wolf in wolf’s clothing is leading the sheep. Like an eye for an eye becoming half blind. The destruction left behind leaves us licking our wounds in this sermon of doom. Death. Bloom. And it peels back to the cap, exposing the truth that was never searched for but always ignored. The fire spreads and burns and burns the swelling eyes as they cry, watching everything that they fucking touch die.

 

 

Say hello to the bad guy.

 

 

For today is the day when it all washes away with the rising tide in the sea of all my tragic beasts. I hit the ground hard enough to kill me, but this is my curse. A parting gift lent as a joke, forever destined to wind the long and lonesome road of my own damnation. The hollow forest filled with wandering and disturbing eyes in disguise of a passion forgone and never made anew.

 

 

Our cloudy days will always define us.

 

 

Our fears will always divide us.

 

 

I am jealous for I cannot help but feel as if I’m cheated. How could the life of one man mean so much more than mine? Reverence and overflowing riches, power endless. Oh, how I long to feel the power deep inside of you. Destiny has written of the ones who come to claim all human life. Overwhelming power and by his might life will crumble. A god amongst men. Truly, truly, superior. So on I trample, to forge the new age of being. My immortal rise induces griеving. Look into my eyes as your soul is leaving.

 

 

DEVOURED ALIVE!

 

 

ALL HOPE IS FLEETING!

 

 

No remorse left that day. This power is mine and you’ll never be saved. Taking what’s mine, the unholy Divine. Eating the body of God. Feast on thy flesh. Plotting to take the life of the righteous. My knife aches for the blood inside. Deadly intentions overwhelming me to be the catalyst of your demise.

 

 

Stick your bloody hands to the sky if you wanna survive.

 

 

The frigid air wisped my skin, a tickle to the touch as the blood is a rush. We have gathered here today to witness the unexpected inevitability of pride being buried beneath a heavy crowned ego. The thoughts lead to a shoreline over the horizon, where my aim is misguided and my heart beats to the bell. Whistles blow to reveal the line was crossed, but I paid no mind. That’s how I let my people down. And I didn’t let them down very easy.

 

 

The world ripped open my eyes, and held still my beating, bruised and calloused heart. My lessons were still headed my way, and each one crashed against me like a tidal wave. The tidal forces of a love lost in a hail of bullets. Life lost in a hail of one’s, two’s and three’s. Bright lights to show everyone the depths which I fall apart. All the way down and inside my core. The scars become my status quo, and drag me along the bottom of the river. Tears overflowing to the thoughts of regret and indecision, where I went wrong and boy, “HE BLEW IT!”

 

 

The screams and scatter of a thousand voices condemn me to the bargain bin. Discarded because Worthless. Worthless, now throw it away. Toss in the funeral grade flowers because you weep with memories. Rejoiced in legend, the past no longer welcomed here. The ignition of dreams heats up this hollow shell. It was a pleasure to die. Everyone has to try it so just close your eyes tightly.

 

 

My searching eyes have never been so intrigued to see you now. We’ve come so far in this empty hole, and still have so far to go. I guess you found a way to make ten minutes last a little bit longer. Hallelujah! You found a way to make ten minutes last forever. And with each passing moment we drift further away. Closer to our chosen paths they laid out right before us. But I can’t help remembering what was. What was and what might have been.

 

 

Oh what might have been..

 

 

But I have been warned by those who have passed this way before. Look over the ledge they said, it’s better to end upside down on your head. To them, the lost and forgotten, I am grateful. The broken and misguided. It’s in our nature to conceal the scars of failure and wallow in the realms of agony, of self pity. All you have, all you are is suffering.

 

 

Now burn into me with eyes of fire.

 

 

WATCH IT ALL BURN!

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE TO WATCH IT WHEN IT HURTS!

 

 

 

 

I say I wanna die, but I know if I fight I will be without goodbyes. I had fallen into silence since coming up short not once, but twice at Ascension. The whole entire world was watching, their betting stub clenched in their dirty miserable fists. Brandon Moore was going to just cream Shawn Warstein, it was a sure bet! And then he was going to drag The Disease they inflicted him with across the finish line and just win the whole damn thing. But, I am here to formally claim defeat, and it’s all on me.

 

 

My body shakes, quivers, shooting bullets of cold sweat all across my flesh. The blankets are gripped a hold of tightly, brought ever closer to my shiver. They say Hell is a scorching inferno, but here I am as the visual proof it is a freezing endeavor. Welcome friends and family, one and all, to your own personal foray into the personal Hell of yours truly. Grab your snacks. Get a damn drink while you’re at it. Enjoy the view of wasted potential, melted down into a little spoon.

 

 

The walls breathe on me, and I am not alright with this. Time has reached its peak crescendo, and everything becomes stuck in a moment of poetry. Trembling overtakes me and I am strangled by the dependency that has given up on me. It is a curse wrapped tightly into my body that I can not escape. Maybe you will find some inspiration from my damnation. Maybe you will witness the peculiar instance that your breath blackened my lungs.

 

 

I curl into an abortion on a plastic riddled mattress, the pool of toxins acting as an adhesive for the plastic to stick with my molten skin. A beautiful voice echoes off in some reach of my mind. It is accompanied by the softest coo and the innocent face of my angel. The summation of Michelle and Ezra hides behind the doomed cloak of my pariah.

 

 

“No..” My lips are barely able to conjure structure to the world around me that is trying it’s damndest to slip further away.

 

 

My thoughts betray me, turning my very being into the little pine box that imprisoned me. The chains were constructed from my own misunderstanding. Chains of chemical composition wrapped tightly around my neck and begging me to take my leap of faith. Don’t bother gazing at the bottom of the wishing well when you’re too stupid to taste the poison in the water. I SCREAM OUT!

 

 

“PLEASE!” And without a sound the whole entire world goes right on ignoring me.

 

 

Spinning round and round, like I am circling the drain. Salvation lay just across the way, like finding Jesus Christ in a thumb bag. The crucifix a lawn dart fresh off the pharmaceutical rack, follow the bruises on my arms to get back on track. I built up the nerve to thrust myself to the floor so I could crawl and beg like the whore. Seven days have passed, and I’ve attacked Jesus front and back. I’ve loaded the smoking gun only to waste the intoxicating rounds on the ground and return to my restraints.

 

 

Eleven days have come and gone, and each one has been spent cast in a valiant struggle of life and death with a little touch of barely living in between. When your days bleed together into weeks, the only rational thoughts that remain are to dig your fingers into your eye sockets and pull flesh from bone. Replace the face with some better taste, thank you for the generosity. Whoever had any rational thoughts anyway?

 

 

Consequently, they always seem to find their way back to me. The violent tongues of absolution. You can run the table, but you can’t outrun your own fortune.

 

 

Like bringing a knife to a gunfight.