Me Against Myself
By: Brandon Moore
Date: 30th Sep 2021
Swallow these pearls. They surround the lives of the walking, as they burst in your mouth, remember to breathe! They surround the lives of the walking, the ocean drowns the infant inside. If you don’t want to see the horses maimed by the waves, lift your arms, signal the rocks. Now keep your arms up, the vultures will soon be here to carry us home.
Yesterday is today. Tomorrow will be our last.
We agreed we were not afraid to pass on.. Remember to breathe, damnit!
Bubbles of voice whisper. They whisper, “I’ll be proud of you no matter what.” Damaging ears like fireworks. Remember to hold your breath, the lack of oxygen invites colors. I’ll be proud of you no matter what. What’s left? Blue giant throats that cry your name till they are considered soul. Now carry me away on the clouds of apathy. Bury me within your honesty for the truth shall set you free. Make all of our dreams come to life, and let us slay them as quickly as they came. Forget another failure. Destroy the self, and absorb what makes you better than me. What makes you better than me.
See who gives a fuck.
“alright motha fugga, let’s get straight to the point pal. I don’t fucking like you Bam. And it started way before you almost came close to fucking up my life. It started when you started to pop off at the mouth like you were somebody.
I’m still waiting to find out who the fuck you are. Because all I remember is you being the little fuck bitch that I plastered around the tower before sending down a flight of stairs. and I don’t think you really realize this yet Margera, Bam, what the fuck ever, but you only got a mere taste of what it is like going one on one with the Despised One.
that wasn’t a fight bubba, that was an ass whooping. what we are about to embark on? my final match to be contested under such a heniois circumstance that involves the word death, and you are going to bare witness to the reason why i am so feared, the reason why i am so very fucking egotistical, and my guy, you are gonna know in your heart of hearts the reason that you will never even come close to measuring up to the likes of a god damn mad man like myself. you got damn idiot. don’t you know that you have drawn the short straw to have to be the one on the receiving end of my seventh symphony? the last face I get to look dead in the eyes as they gloss over because you have become privileged to be..”
“and to think, this is the highlight of your career thus far. a main event match in the hottest promotion on the planet, with one of it’s mega, if not ultimate, legends, you must be living the got damn dream brother. me? this is just another slight inconvenience on my way towards shit that actually matters with people that actually matter.
if you take a gander over on yonder at the grand scheme that is being laid out before us all, the truth written into the very fabric of reality itself, you will realize a simple singular truth. the same truth that many man and woman have had to find out after it was too late. when you are booked one on one with Brandon Moore, you have already lost. take a deep breath bubba, and exhale in the wisdom that you have been privileged to join the rest who are piled up in my closet.
the skeletal remains of those who dared to dream and slay the big bad dragon that comes from way up high and terrorizes the townsfolk when he damn well pleases. you are nothing more than a worker ant, doing the jobs and laying the foundation so that kings, Queen’s and mythical beasts like me have a smogersboard to play our little game on. to stoke the flames of our own egos. and Bam, my friend, our egos burn brighter than a neutron star gasping it’s final breaths.
we, nay, I, am far more than you will ever be able to capably sustain any type of offensive against, let alone the chain reaction required, and necessary, to obtain that ever elusive above your head dubya. and if you wonder why that damn letter evades you every chance it gets, then you truly are nothing more than the doormat to wipe my shit covered shoes off of on. it escapes your grasp because you keep trying to throw bare naked hands with gods. legends. immortals of this here sport.
and the sad fact of reality you need to grasp and acknowledge so that you may indeed grow and become something, anything, more than I fine tune up for the better things that are headed on down and on their way, is that you are worthless. miniscule. a petty slight that isn’t even funny. for sucking so bad, you could at least be humorous about it. just look at paul montuori. mother fucking pro at being worth shit but just funny enough to hang around the yard with the real big dogs. you see bam, i don’t have to beat you maggot. i really don’t. because that isn’t the purpose of this here little exercise. hell, i don’t even have to escape you. because we are not in this pit together. no. and i am not in this pit with you. you are in this fucking pit of despair WITH ME! this death soaked chamber of horror and blood, the grime that lay beneath the belly of this made up materialistic world we all would rather view than come to grips with our own darkness. but bam, bubba, darkness always says hello.”
AND I’VE JUST
to scratch that itch one last time
“while your entire life has consisted of merely living so that you may one day, thank the lord almighty, die as pointless a death as life you lived, I have spent my lifetime dying just so that I may one day learn what it means to really actually know what it fucking means to live. and life is what i have had, on the scale of here to there, brandon moore has been the dude everywhere. brandon moore enters the building and every mouth shuts so the eyes can do their jobs and glance at my offering. the tides of discontent and malcontent, the very dressing of dishonor and bloodshed. those are my trademarks. absolute carnage, mayhem, destruction. chaos. anarchy. the complete nihilistic view perceived through the eyes of a sociopath, and this is the man that you have decided to become a cockroach to?
the pain you will experience is one thing, but pain is like love and any other emotion or ailment. just a moment in the ever passing stream of time, easily forgotten. but bam, you won’t just be feeling pain brother. you are going to know what true horror is. I‘ve seen the horrors.. horrors that you will see. and they forever changed me, changed me into a monster roaming the backwoods in the middle of fucking nowhere. blood was shed, and lives were spread. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to try and beat me. To slay me. You have a right to do that… but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words.. to describe.. what is necessary… to those who do not know what true horror means.”
“Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not.. then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.
Just like you wish you were to me. An enemy. Anything other than another worthless night wasting time away from my son.
so, there i was at a local diner in new york with the entire fam. don’t try and ask me the name you idiot, look at these eyes, you think I’m paying attention to such minute details? i am barely paying attention to my next match at Venom for Fight NYC let alone what establishment my wife or momma or uncle or maybe Ezra? fuck, i dunno, one of these motha fuggas picked our current position! not that i don’t respect my opponent enough to take him seriously, (i don’t.. i mean.. come on.. Bam Miller? yawn.) but it is all about my priorities. yep, that is right folks. you heard that absolutely right. that no good rotten soulless sorry excuse for a human being brandon god damn moore has his priorities all set n’ straight.
before, i just didn’t give a shit about anything really, because i was so wrapped up in all of the thrills that were secretly my ills but masqueraded around as my substance. i was a man of no substance but all full of it. all different types of it. and, I know, “Brandon, you’re high as a kite right fucking now you liar!” you say as you sit up in your chair, ready to punch me in the face. but you haven’t let me explain this properly. i would leave my loving and caring beautiful wife just to go run around stealing goats with paul montuori and then i had a murder shed that i did a closed circuit cooking show in, and i cooked another goat, and fed it to the goat that we stole. Yeah, in case you’re new, that is what happened with Tommy Kain’s goat and how Paulie ended up sucking on Tommy’s and Goat’s utters.
i took myself too seriously, you see. so, first my best friend abandoned and betrayed me because of a fucking farm animal. and then, and then, my addiction that was unsatisfiable would continue to lead me down this twisted and darkened path that michelle looked at and said hell naw, and bounced. or maybe i pushed her on out the door. i don’t really know the way things proceeded, only that they did. a side effect of any type of addiction, and this wasn’t an addiction of chemicals, that has always been under control. i mean, if i want more smack, i just go and get more smack, am i right? but having that warm splash of blood squirt in your face as you tore through the jugular of some worthless mortal scum? aww brother, let me tell you, there is not a better feeling in the world than that warmth and privilege to watch the eternal light leave those eyes. well, at least i didn’t think that there was.
and this is no offense to michelle, she found me this way, and fell in love with the mask i wore. at least.. i thought it was a mask. come to find out, she was able to reach deep down inside of me and force out the true man that lay inside all of the torture and pain my life had sent my way. the abandonments, the trials, tribulations, heartbreaks and breakdowns. so it in no way indicates that she alone wasn’t enough to make me see the light that i myself held inside, i was already too far gone. shit’s rough when your life is a constant struggle since before you learned how to drive a car. or even how to ride a bike.
wanna know what these two parental figures of mine you see here with me taught me? uncle vlad taught me how to completely break down an ak-47 in 47 seconds, and put it back together in half the time when i was four. guess what happened when i was five? he had me gun down his own men because they were discovered to be homosexuals. i didn’t know what the fuck i was doing. i was five. fuck you and your pc police bitch ass self. i gunned them fucking down, and never blinked. uncle vlad didn’t tolerate flinching or blinking. doing either while following an order bought you 12 hours in a frozen box in the Russian soil.
you think those heat boxes suck, at least after a few hours you get to hallucinate the pain away in delirium. not in an ice box. no sir. no way. all you get to do is fold up into a little human ball and uncontrollably shake, and you feel every single last digit of the temperature. always below freezing. somehow always below freezing. and this fucking cock sucker did this to his five year old nephew that he was supposed to be a father to. what happened to mine you ask?
“Momma, whatever happened to my daddy?” I ask out loud while breaking the fourth wall and smirking at you. Every time I’ve ever asked it has been some different story, that always ends the same. She was left behind.
“Ohhh it was early or late January of 1989, and I had gone to some crazy rock concert or Moscow Music Peace something or another. All I remember is I was standing there one moment and your daddy was up on stage, and the next thing i know..” She continued but something she said struck me hard upside the inside of my noggin.
Wayment. Did she just say 1989? Nineteen eighty fucking nine? I was always told I was born in nineteen eighty seven.. “What the fuck momma!?” I was going to stand up all dramatically, but my baby boy had a hold of one of my fingers and was making quick work on it like Ani on a dick. Which brings me back to my priorities. Well, here is priority number one. The damn finger sucker. We prolly shouldn’t let you hang out with Auntie Ani until you’re in your twenties. Don’t need to be a grandpa before I’m.. Before I’m.. “God fucking damnit Momma. What year was I born?”
Momma Moore, blind as all fuck pulling out a flask full of vodka into her hand from her large sweater she refused to take off once we got up in here, and pouring it to the side of her drink where it lands all over her spot at the table, looks.. i guess.. at uncle vlad, who went to speak but was taken aback for a moment as he began to count. My vision was getting blurry and turning a reddish black, hands beginning to shake, but the sweet caress of Michelle’s forever embrace brought me back to the eternal sunshine of our spotless minds. so i took a few deep breaths, and reiterated my question, firmly but without malice n all that nasty shit.
“What.. year..was I fucking.. born?” I question these two imbeciles I call momma and uncle.
“Baby, language. You want Ezra’s first words to be fucking or cunt or some shit?” Michelle said as she brought Ezra into her lap facing towards her.
I forgot about the issue at hand, as I was lost in the amazement of my very soul. the sight before my eyes was the grandest spectacle i had ever done seen, and by this time i have seen it about five hundred some odd times since our little bundle of pure ecstasy was brought into this world. and i don’t think that wonderful feeling is ever going to leave. this is going to be every day of the rest of my life. guess what my friends? that’s just fucking fine with me. because that gorgeous bitch right there holding my top priority? well, she ain’t too fucking far behind him. if not even with Ezra. that is the way that it should be, shouldn’t it? an entire family treated as one equal unit, one of nothing but pure love and joy. in a way, i kinda thank bam for bringing us our miracle sooner than was originally intended, but that feeling is fleeting as only a fool would let such a idiotic action go without consequence. even i had never done something so blindly stupid in all of my years. however many that may have fucking been by now. seriously, what the fuck people? but as a believer in fate, this was just the way it was all meant to go down. that even includes the first obliteration of bam miller on some throw away Venom show I wasn’t even supposed to be apart of. yano the one, where we all got put on lockdown afterwards? forgot to tell all you maggots that you’re welcome for that. funny, i don’t remember being forced to stay in that bullshit tower. i rub my chin as i think for a moment. huh, i must be more important than all of you. i shrug as I lean in to Michelle and give her a hearty kiss, then my eyes return to the two fools sitting across from my only priority.
“No answer I take it?” I ask as I grab my crisp cool mountain dew off the table in front of me and suck er down. I guess uncle vlad grew a pair and spoke up.
“You were born in 1990 Brandon..” He said without even giving me a proper and respectful locked gaze. I sit up and halfway across the table with my face next to his ear so his ears my hear the words that part my lips. I even used our mother language.
“трусливый” I said, a smile coming to my face as he still refuses to face me like a man.
You have no idea how long I had longed for these moments where my world wide feared uncle would be the coward beneath my feet. through everything, it was the only thing that kept me going, even way back when i was but a young little boy. i knew that this day would come, when i would be the head of the table and on top of the world. and i didn’t need politics, government or an entire fucking army to achieve it. yano what i had?
and there is not one single person on this earth that can ever even think of taking that away from me. i have conquered and settled pretty much everywhere i have ever went in this business. when i first came back, and they refused to accept that a man who was only in the business for two years but had been at the top almost immediately, could return to that position after over a decade of absence, i turned my spot on the card THE SPOT ON THE CARD. and yes, I am talking about new edge wrestling and that worthless bald sweaty maggot with the gnome living in his basement jesse styles. he reminded me of unc vlad, just a трусливый. for you illiterate lazy fucks, that means coward in my native tongue.
мы могли бы переключиться на это вместо этого, если хотите. но тогда я думаю, это дало бы БАМ шанс победить меня, так как я не мог быть понятым. не волнуйтесь, с каких это пор хоть один из вас, личинок, меня “достал”? вздох, вы все заставляете меня блевать. особенно такие люди, как Дейн, Дики, Варштайн, и вставьте сюда любые Монтуори. За исключением тех случаев, когда Поли крут. Сейчас подожди. Дай мне подумать. Я и Поли в настоящее время крутые на данный момент, я думаю? Может быть? Черт побери.
I think? I look at Michelle with curious eyes, as if she could somehow, some way, read my mind. But the fucked up thing is.. she looked back, and her eyes kind of dilated before constricting and then going normal. “You guys are.. kinda cool?” She says, before returning to the chuckling joy sitting in her lap, being a completely good boy. No fuss, nothing. He doesn’t do that much, especially when he has both of us around at the same time. He never even has a saddened wrinkle while our family is all together and enjoying ourselves, not including the two across from us. OH YEAH! MOTHER FUCKERS!
“So let me get this straight Momma, Unc. I was born in august of nineteen ninety, and you guys gave me TEN, not THIRTEEEN, but TEN years before you sent me to a foreign land all by myself?” I am confused as to how they don’t understand why this is an issue. there was already an issue when i believed that i was three years older when it happened, and we settled it, the reason they were sitting there with us today, but ten years old? what the fuck was wrong with these people? a lot of shit is starting to make a lot of sense.
“You know what, don’t even bother opening your filthy mouths to answer that. You guys want to know what my number one fucking priority in this life is? Huh? You see this beautiful face right here? This innocent and sweet face that wants nothing but affection and attention? That was once me you god damn monsters. And I swear to whatever sky daddy you or you or anybody else believes in, that he will not know one single shred of the turmoil and betrayal that i had to deal with for most of my entire life. No wonder i am so god damn fucked up in the head. look at where i come from michelle. This is what Ezra comes from.” The last sentence barely slips out as my calm and collection has turned to anxiety and distress. Could I protect my son from the sins of my past, and the sins of the others in his life? As these thoughts raced, nothing else really seemed important in that moment.
the world was foggy and dim, except the brilliance of the sparkle coming from the two lives i actually give a shit about. just the two of them. not even myself. just them. and i took comfort in knowing that not even myself mattered because they made me matter. My only priority is what makes me who I am today, and are the solemn reason that i matter. it isn’t because i am most definitely better than you, you, you, you back there, and you over there, and all of y’all up there that think you’re at the top of the damn game. I chuckle as my family begins to worry i’ve completely lost my shit.
BUT THEY’RE A LITTLE
LATE TO THAT PARTY
well, not michelle, bitch is obsessed with my crazy ass
smoochies smoochies tongue action and bean flicktion
a diner employee, the waitress!, walked up to our table at about this time. “is everything alright over here? there has been some commotion from over here. thankfully you’re the only ones in here, but please try and keep your existential crisis to yourself. i’m doing sudoku.” she flipped her hips, causing her apron and ass to brush against uncle vlad as she looked down over her shoulders. “oopps..”
“How does he do this shit?” I chuckle to myself as I watch Uncle Vlad stand up, wink, and go about pursuing the cat. Can’t fault the man, no matter how big of a piece of shit that man is, you have to admit, mother fucker got skill.
And you have to admit that, so do I. Every opportunity given to me is taken by the throat and brought lifeless before me all for these two lives right here within my arms now. There isn’t a single thing I won’t do in this life for them. If you know me, then you know I had previously had the same outlook just because. But think children, fucking think. What is the one thing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose therefore he has nothing to fear? it is the cornered wolf protecting his pack, and I just know deep down inside of each and every single one of you that you know that you are looking at the alpha. my will shall be done and my wishes, hopes, dreams, everything, become reality because that is just simply the way that this is going to go from here on out.
THE NEW STATUS QUO
get used to it
the new reality has already taken hold, and you all were too blindly flopping along in your own universes to realize the threat had already begun its descent and is here, right fucking here, proclaiming every action from here on out as an act of war. because Bam is nothing but a buffer, the real battle begins at Ascension. and it is there that you will all truly finally, at least i hope for your own sakes, accept the flow of this new status quo, and just go with it man. don’t be the fool who raises his head up just to get it lopped off. remember maggots, i only had a son and reconciled my marriage, it’s not like i am a born again christian ready to suck all of your dicks.
no mother fuckers, it’s still me, Brandon Moore, just a Brandon Moore with everything to lose and not much else to gain except one thing. and it’s around the waist of an imposter and being chased by a flake who will love you one day and then the next be so insecure that he will attempt to bury you at every turn. so at least for just a few more weeks we have to watch as the most precious belt in this industry is around the waist of one of these unworthy chuckles. but don’t you guys worry, no, don’t you worry one bit, because Ascension is the beginning of the true rise of Fights! savior, it’s hero, coming to save the day from mediocrity and stagnation. but don’t you cheer, because it isn’t about you or for you. it’s for them.
it’s all for them.
for all time, always.
no matter what..
“Lets get Ezra outta here baby girl, these two goons can handle themselves.” I softly speak into my love’s ear, and she doesn’t hesitate to scoot out of the booth and get to her feet. I get up and join my only meaning and take them into my arms. It may be awkward as fuck to leave like this, but in this moment, we just simply didn’t care.