MSM Se2E1 – Shaggy Dog Joke

By: Allen Chaney

Writing Prompt: Yes

Date: 15th Apr 2022

‘THE COMEDIAN’ ALLEN CHANEY

MUST-SEE MASSACRE Season 2: Episode 1

A Shaggy Dog Story

“Comedians in their infancy are generally selfish, irresponsible, emotionally retarded, morally dubious, substance-addicted animals who live out of boxes and milk crates. They are plagued with feelings of failure and fraudulence. They are prone to fleeting fits of manic grandiosity and are completely dependent on the acceptance and approval of rooms full of strangers, strangers the comedian resents until he feels sufficiently loved and embraced.

Perhaps I am only speaking for myself here.” -Marc Maron

 

SOMETIME IN MARCH, I GUESS

Allen Chaney and his manager Daniel Fitzsimmons sit across from each other. They are in Daniel’s office which looks as expensive as it does sparse. It suggests a powerful man who is not fond of trivial things or nonsense and the 7 foot tall ‘Devil’ was most certainly that. He was maintaining his status as Allen’s manager despite his recent unretirement and return to wrestling at over 50 years of age. Allen is sitting next to an open pet carrier as he had brought his cat to Daniel’s office for this meeting and let him out into the office without asking Daniel permission.

“Allen. I represent you. I am technically in your employ, not the other way around.” Daniel says, nervously looking around for where the cat may have gotten to. 

“Yes, I am aware of how this works.” Allen says. 

‘Are you?” Daniel asks, rubbing his temples a bit. 

“Something wrong, big fella?” Allen asks.

“Allen. Do you know what my job is?” Daniel asks, trying to hide the frustration in his voice.

“Like, your job as my manager or as a wrestler or as the Devil? I imagine that last one will be the hardest for me to explain.” Allen says, never quite clear on whether thought he was the literal Devil or it was just a wrestling thing. There were a lot of wrestling Devils. 

“It is my job to assist you in making money so I can have some of that money and I am making a considerable effort while YOU are making this exceptionally difficult. You’ve turned down several VERY good offers from other Wrestling companies as well as offers for features at several comedy clubs and yet….here you are. In my office in sweatpants with a cat.” Daniel says.

“The cat’s fine. He’s cool. Unless you leave glassware out. He can’t help himself.” Allen says. Almost as if on cue a water glass is knocked off of the table and shatters on the ground.

“Okay, that glass wasn’t on a coaster and I know how anal you are about that so if anything Bill just did you a favor.” Allen says, not even buying his own bullshit as he says it.

“I’m throwing things at the wall now and nothing is sticking. I’ve put your name out there for commercial work and still have basically heard nothing back.” 

“Whoa, commercials? I don’t do commercials. I am not a sell-out.” Allen says, feeling very ‘Bill Hicks’ at the moment.

“Well you don’t have to worry about it. You can’t really sell out if nobody is buying what you’re selling.”

“…So really no one is interested in me?” Allen asks. All the Bill Hicks anti-commercialism floods out of his body and now he feels the sting of rejection. Like when the sitcom got canceled. Allen shakes that thought out of his head. He was past the villain origin story and on to the redemption arc now. No time for dwelling on that.

“When advertising or marketing is looking for a Pro Wrestler for a commercial they’re looking for someone who…looks like a pro wrestler. Not someone who was mistaken for a member of the ring crew on 4 separate occasions in PWE.” Daniel says, looking up and down at Allen’s general state of dress and physical fitness. 

“Hey, they are missing a real opportunity here. They have a wrestler on their hands who can sell Slim Jims and also looks like the kinda guy who eats a lot of Slim Jims. Did you know they made one that tastes like a chili cheese dog? Those were pretty fire.” Allen says, having forgotten what they were talking about and now thinking about Slim Jim’s until Daniel literally starts snapping his fingers to pull Allen’s attention back.

“If you’re going to maintain the lifestyle of spending money at the Electric Bunny-“

“Velvet Rabbit.”

“Whatever. If this is a lifestyle you wish to maintain then you either need to sign with a new company or find some other means of supplementing your income otherwise Slim Jim’s will be all you’ll be able to afford. So maybe drink a little less. Hit the gym. I’ll give you the number to my tailor. Get a suit. Trim your beard. Maybe eat in a way that you have fewer opinions about gas station jerky sticks.” Daniel says. He really was trying to help.

“Hey, I haven’t been drinking THAT much.”     

“Are you drunk right now?” Daniel asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Look, here’s the thing…” Allen says, prepared to explain himself but quickly realizing that he has no explanation to offer.

“Yes. The thing is yes. Yes I am drunk. I have bills to pay and am more stressed out than I let on and had a few drinks before this meeting to keep the edge off. So really? Not a single commercial offer?” Allen says. Daniel rolls his eyes. 

“Basically.” Daniel says.

“What does ‘basically’ mean? It certainly isn’t as straightforward as ‘No’.” Allen says, getting his hopes up slightly.  

“Well…there was ONE commercial offer and it will not require you to….’sell out’.” Daniel says, opening a folder on his desk to look at the offer. Allen wonders how this can even be possible. 

“Alright well….who is it from?” Allen asks.

“…Purina.” Daniel says. Allen blinks a few times.

“That sounds familiar. IS that like a health food or a medication or a…”

And that’s when Bill comes out of hiding and curls up on Allen’s lap and Allen realizes.

“Oh COME ON!” 

“You had Bill on-camera a few times for PWE and he was trending on twitter. So there’s interest in maybe Bill being involved in a commercial for cat food. With your permission of course. Money is pretty good.” Daniel says.

“Was I also trending on twitter when Bill was?”

“Do you honestly want to know the answer to that question?”

“So no then, huh?”

“Absolutely not. No one likes you. They’re willing to pay you to use your cat. That is the reality of your situation.” Daniel says, without missing a beat. Allen sighs and starts loading Bill into the pet carrier.

“I…I guess I’ll take it, then.” Allen says, trying to not feel worthless knowing his cat would be paying his rent for a few months. 

“In the meantime…maybe consider some of these offers from these other Wrestling companies.” Daniel says, trying to talk some sense into his client.

“None of those places are gonna feel like…” Allen says, stopping himself before he could finish that sentence by saying ‘home’ because he realized now fucking sad that was going to sound. 

“I know Allen. I sympathize. But it’s big boy pants time. You took some time to grieve and I respect that, but for all the supposed millionaires in this industry….quite frankly you aren’t one of them. You have expensive habits and if you’re going to keep renting out that soundstage then you need to put it to some use.” Daniel says. Good guy Devil. Allen releases a sigh. 

“Well there’s uh…actually this one place. I’m just not sure if I’d be signing there for the right reasons.” Allen says.

“If you want to continue to have two apartments and hang out at a strip club then you need a job. Is that enough motivation for you?” Daniel says. It was true that right before Allen lost his job with PWE he had gotten a second place in the New York area as he had been going there to do comedy pretty frequently. He hadn’t even considered that paired with the soft offer he had been considering.   

“I uh…okay… I’ma split but I’ll give you a call tomorrow. I can fix this.” Allen says. He picks up the Pet Carrier and carefully carries Bill out. As soon as he’s out of his office he opens up a text message he received and responds with only two words:

‘I’m Listening.’

 

VOICEOVER ALLEN: Previously on Season One of The Must-See Massacre.

DEFINITELY THE REAL OWNER OF PWE AND NOT AN ACTOR ALLEN HIRED TO PLAY THEM: If I’m gonna start this wrestling company I need to hire someone that will bring us incredible ratings who is also very handsome. Get Allen Chaney on the phone!

We then get several shots of Allen winning big matches in PWE 

DAMIAN AYLA AND TOTALLY NOT AN ACTOR: There’s only one man who is a threat to myself and my title reign…THE COMEDIAN ALLEN CHANEY! I am so convinced of this that i am definitely letting my guard down when I face my next opponent because I know the only threat is, again, the VERY HANDSOME Allen Chaney! 

Then we see Allen winning the rumble and his shot at the Excellence Championship followed by that scene from the OC when Marissa shoots the guy fighting with Brian. 

VOICEOVER ALLEN: No…no that’s previously on a different show. Please try and stay focused.

Then we see Vhodka Black winning the Excellence Championship. Allen beating her husband to send a big statement to the Champion. The perfect Set-Up leading to what would be a beautiful Punchline and then…we see Allen sitting in his apartment, Bill asleep beside him.

‘WU-TANG CLAN AIN’T NUTHIN TA FUCK WITH’

Allen answers his phone. 

ALLEN CHANEY: Yyyyo… Uh-huh. No, I’m sitting. 

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: Huh. okay. No, no I’m fine. Yeah I’ll figure something out. Yeah. yeah, thanks.

Allen hangs up the phone and nods a few times before calmly standing, opening the balcony door of his apartment, and throwing the phone as hard as he can, he immediately turns to his elderly neighbor on her balcony.

ALLEN CHANEY: Not a FUCKING word of judgment out of you, Doris!

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: Can you still cat-sit Bill next week?

She nods.

ALLEN CHANEY: Thank you! 

Then we go to the scene where Joey sort of accidentally proposes to Rachel at the end of Season 8. 

VOICEOVER ALLEN: Okay, that’s just Friends. I am firing this editor. And now…the thrilling season premiere!

 

“He said the trick is kick someone’s ass the first day, or become somebody’s bitch. Then everything will be all right” -Office Space, 1999.

 

If anyone is new to an Allen Chaney promo they are probably confused by the fact that we seem to be on a sitcom set that is on a soundstage. The set is made to look like your average sitcom apartment and there is an additional attached set that appears to be a stand-up stage. Brick wall, microphone, stool… if you think of the words ‘comedy club’ this is what you initially see in your head. A spotlight turns on and Allen Chaney emerges on stage and waves to the sounds of applause that is as uproarious as it is prerecorded. Allen takes a few moments to thank the non-existent audience and trying to get them to ‘settle down’ so he can launch into his material.

ALLEN CHANEY: So…heard any good jokes, lately?

An obvious sitcom laugh track plays and Allen basks in the fake adulation.

ALLEN CHANEY: So this is officially season 2 of the Must-See Massacre. It also happens to be part of Season 3 of FIGHT! NYC. If any of that is too confusing for any of you to follow then repeat to yourself ‘It’s just a show, I should really just relax’. 

Allen allows us to absorb this bit of wisdom from the Satellite of Love before grabbing the microphone from the stand.

ALLEN CHANEY: Hey! Who wants to learn about comedy history?

The laugh track starts up again until-

ALLEN CHANEY: NO LAUGHTER. THIS IS A LECTURE NOW. Sit up straight! Doors are locked from the outside, fuckers! You’re trapped in a TED Talk.

Allen takes a moment to clear his throat and puts on a pair of glasses to make himself look smarter. Jury is out on whether or not that worked.

ALLEN CHANEY: There’s a type of joke called a ‘shaggy dog story’ Buddy Hackett was pretty infamous for them. Norm Macdonald, too. There’s a pretty infamous one called ‘The Aristocrats’ that Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget were the absolute BEST at telling, fucking Rest in Power to the both of them. The general idea is that you tell an overly long story with a ton of details and nuances and twists and turns that make everyone think you’re building up to something huge but then the end of the story is just a huge anti-climax and the joke becomes that you got everyone to pay attention for so long only to disappoint them. ‘The Aristocrats’ structure is always the same. It starts with a man walking into a talent agency and telling the talent agent ‘Have I got an act for you’. The talent agent says ‘Alright then, what’s the act?’. Now from here the joke teller describes a family coming onstage typically consisting of a father, mother, son, daughter…and oftentimes the grandparents and family pets as they perform disgusting acts on each other that would get anyone arrested and they go into tremendous, disgusting, and disturbing detail about all the awful things this family does on stage. Bodily fluids are a popular feature of this joke. Once the joke teller has adequately and at great length described this horror show we move on to the Punchline. The talent agent says ‘That’s a hell of an act… what do you call it?’ and the guy says…. THE ARISTOCRATS!

Allen claps his hands before doing a presentation hand motion and smiling to properly punctuate the punchline.

ALLEN CHANEY: So, to use our initial terminology in a sentence so you get the idea… ‘Allen Chaney’s career in Pro Wrestling Excellence was a Shaggy Dog Story.’”

Allen’s eye twitches slightly with his palms still up in the ‘punchline’ pose.

ALLEN CHANEY: But hey, I took it well.

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: That’s a lie. I don’t know why I said that because it was definitely a lie and I’m trying to be up front with you guys watching but my natural instinct for so long has been to lie when I’m in front of this camera. I’m working on that. I did not take it well and almost retired again and spent like 750 dollars on Doordash in like 4 days. That’s the truth. I was a wreck. Some part of me still is but for the most part I’m over it and have moved on to the ‘doing something about it’ phase so hopefully this is a healthy way to deal with it and pay my rent at the same time. Apartments are fucking EXPENSIVE holy shit. 

Allen rolls his eyes before taking off his magic ‘look-smart’ glasses and tossing them off screen.

ALLEN CHANEY: There’s a level of bitterness. I mean, I could lie to you and tell you that there isn’t but who would that be helping? The reason I knew the name FIGHT! NYC is because every couple of weeks someone from here would show up to Pro Wrestling Excellence and tell everyone what a huge deal they were and then they’d have a match and leave and in the end we were all being told that this elevated PWE. This put more eyes on the PWE and it was making us a bigger player. Shawn Warstein ADDED to PWE. Chris Page ADDED to PWE. Well, where is PWE now, you guys? You added nothing. You STOLE. You showed up and took bits and pieces of this company’s identity and just… sorry. This is not an attitude that’s gonna make me any friends but I think a big part of the reason I signed here? I wanted to be in the place everyone was talking about in comparison to Pro Wrestling Excellence and I wanted to kick all their asses, win their big belt, and then start a press conference to declare it the new Excellence Championship and then call out Vhodka Black to fuckin show up and DO somethin about it. I know that’s a really lofty goal and a lot of people are going to take that the wrong way. I know I’m hanging my nuts out and asking for someone to take a kick by saying that. 

Allen drops the microphone and lets it dangle between his legs by the cord to emphasize his point before fishing it back up.

ALLEN CHANEY: Good. I kinda thrive on backing myself into a corner and fighting my way back out of it so I showed up and I pretty instantly pissed some people off. So when it comes to the question of whether or not my attack was pre-meditated or a random act of violence…little of column A and a little of column B. Someone was getting swung on that night. I just didn’t necessarily know who it’d be when I showed up to the building. Any good comic shows up with tested material but is prepared to riff and improv a little. So I guess that brings me to Dane. 

Allen unlocks his phone and looks up Dane Preston. 

ALLEN CHANEY: Dane, I don’t dislike you. I don’t like you. I only looked into who you are after I cracked your dome piece with an ass-holder and you seem like a good enough dude. You are….

Allen looks at his phone to look at a picture of Dane Preston.

ALLEN CHANEY: Impossibly handsome-what the fuck? 

Now Allen is frantically scrolling through the roster page. 

ALLEN CHANEY: Do I need to get prettier to work here? This is fucked up. Hey! Wait a second, Fight! WERE YOU JUST HIRING A TOKEN FAT GUY?! Because like…I mean I don’t know why I just sounded outraged because I will totally be that guy for you. One hundo percent. So long as the checks clear I will eat comically large sandwiches on camera and compliment all of your unfunny dialogue with well-timed farts. Can’t be fat-shaming if I don’t feel shame because I’m dead inside!

Allen smiles and gives a thumbs up. For way too long. It’s uncomfortable.

ALLEN CHANEY: What the fuck was I talking about?

Allen looks at his phone.

ALLEN CHANEY: Not many shots of his abs. I’ll check his twitter.

Allen just stands there silently scrolling, occasionally looking at his phone screen from different angles until we hear the cameraman audibly clear his throat and Allen is snapped back to the reality of what he is supposed to be doing in this soundstage he pays a good chunk of money to use for promos and not for public thirst.   

ALLEN CHANEY: Focusing. Right. So I showed up at Venom number 19 and I did what I did for a reason and I’m sure you’re all waiting to hear what that reason is. Remember that thing I said about backing myself into a corner earlier? Well now, none of what I did matters if I can’t deliver on a win here and I’m hoping that the pressure I put on myself gets me where I need to be. If I can’t follow this up by giving you a Punchline and a Pin then I may as well have showed up on Venom 19 and taken a big runny shit in the ring. I made a statement. That ‘You have been found guilty of having no sense of humor’ shit I said? I thought it just sounded cool. I was just riffing, man. The real statement was my actions. I didn’t fuck your night up because I have anything against you. I didn’t dimple that duplex skull of yours with a chair because I have some kind of agenda or real idea of how I’m going to achieve my goals here anyway. I did it because it makes for good fucking television, my friend. After I signed my contract I didn’t want to just show up and have a ‘match’. I had a decent amount of buzz attached to my name after PWE closed and I could go anywhere and have a ‘match’. No, I want to step into the ring with someone eager to kick my fat ass and I kinna had to be an asshole to get the wheels spinning on that. My bad. I mean, I’m gonna do shit like this again but there’s nothing personal about it. No malice. No ill will. Drinks are on me after the show. The thing is that…fighting someone who just wants to win? It’s…fine, I guess? 

Allen shrugs, no strong emotions about the idea in general.

ALLEN CHANEY: But what gets me up outta bed in the morning with a stiff one is knowing that someone out there wants to break my fucking face. Is that weird? That’s probably weird. So Dane, you show up ready for this company’s namesake: a fight. That’s what this gonna be. You bring that handsome face of yours and take that shirt off and oil yourself up and no, no sorry I just. Fuck. I’m a professional. A professional who, if he does his job right will be making that face a lot less pretty. Okay, I’m back. 

Allen takes a deep breath.

ALLEN CHANEY: From what little conversation we had with each other… it seems like I don’t know WHO I should be expecting to show up and throw down with me, eh Moon Knight? One side good one side evil? Is that how it works? Is one of the sides into dudes? Does one of those sides want my number? Stopping for real this time. Well which one of those sides is it gonna be, bud? Not fair I don’t know what I’m going up against. But you don’t see me shaking, do ya? That’s because I know exactly who I am going to be the moment the opening bell rings and he’s sicker than either of you handsome bastards. You’re coming to hurt me because of what I did to you. I’m coming to hurt you because on a stacked card I want the thing people take away from this show is ‘I really want to pay to see that fat guy make utter fuckmuckery out of peoples parts’ Let’s face it, any show that goes past season 3 starts to get stale. I’m here to help with that. RATINGS, Baby. Are you buying any of this? I don’t think I’m lying but it’s kind of a stretch, huh? Fine, let’s distill all of it right down to its core. 

Allen makes a hand gesture that suggests a narrowing of things. Getting to the point, as it were. 

ALLEN CHANEY: I like hurting people because it’s one of like two things I’m good at so I try to be really really REALLY fucking good at it. And there’s no voice in my head making me do it. There’s no alter ego’s. There’s no contrived villain monologue coming your way. I tried to take a gardening tool to Lewis Chad-Pinkston’s nutsack once because I thought it’d be funny. No angel or devils on my shoulders. Just a big fucking chip. 

Allen looks at his own shoulder briefly before turning back to the camera. 

ALLEN CHANEY: A lot of people will tell you that near the end of PWE I got softer. It’s true that after an incident outside of the ring the company itself enacted a wellness clause in my contract that made me go to therapy if I wanted to keep my job. I figured out a lot of stuff about myself and I…I was getting better. I was opening up to people. Well, a lot of the progress I made… I feel like some of it got undone. Not all of it, but a lot of it.  I am an unlovable, unfuckable monster and aside from my cat there is little I care about or love in this world but…I loved Pro Wrestling Excellence. I never got to tell it I loved it while it was here and now it’s gone and that shit fucking hurts. I’m done caring how pathetic that sounds or what people think about me for saying it. If all I can do with that feeling is physically hurt other people as much as my heart hurts then sure, I guess that’s something. We’ll go with that. I can work with that. 

Allen clacks his tongue. 

ALLEN CHANEY: So…Dane. I feel like I’ve provided significant justification for why I did what I did so I’ll see you out there, ma dude. I know that Sebastian is also mixed up in all this now and if he or anyone else here wants them a piece after what I did then they are all welcome to come take a big bite. They had all better be prepared to fucking choke on it. 

There’s more than a little venom in Allen’s tone. 

ALLEN CHANEY: So…a guy walks into a wrestling company and says ‘Have I got an act for you’. The booker says ‘Well, what’s the act?’

And then Allen just stops and the camera remains on his face and it’s almost like we can see in his mind. We can see him imagining all the things he’s going to do to people in FIGHT!. A sparkle forms in his eyes and we see the side of his lip almost involuntary quiver before forming a smirk. The viewer is left to fill in the details of the world’s most violent Shaggy Dog Story with their own imagination. 

ALLEN CHANEY: And the booker says ‘Hell of an act…what do you call it?’ and he replies… ‘The Comedian’. Set-Up.

Allen puts the microphone back in the mic stand.

ALLEN CHANEY: Punchline. 

And we are not left with a performative laugh, but merely a content smile before the lights all cut out.

 

Few weeks ago at Gotham Comedy Club. 

The guy before him did a bunch of hack shit about the Oscars slap that was dated and unfunny six seconds after Will Smith’s palm hit Chris Rock’s face so the audience wasn’t really warmed up for when Allen came out. Plus it was a crowd and market that didn’t know him very well yet. The New York comedy scene chews up and spits out midwest dudes at a rate of about a dozen a day. Allen would be fighting an uphill battle.

But there were no nerves.

‘All the way from Kansas City, please give it up for Comedian and PRO WRESTLER Allen Chaney!’

He always gets some variant of that intro. They always highlight the pro wrestler thing. Allen didn’t mind. He knew what people paid to see. Allen walks out, waves, and sets his beat up notebook on the stool beside the microphone along with a half-finished Jack and coke. 

Allen does his usual intro ‘Look at you all….undressing me with your eyes.’ and it always gets a good chuckle. A little light-hearted self-deprecation to get the crowd on his side.  

Later, Allen has just finished a bit that didn’t quite land. It was fine but it needed more work. It needed more time. It was a new place and a scene that didn’t know him well enough yet to go into material like that.

Just a stumble, Allen could recover. Despite every Johnny Kickpads dipshit who ever told him ‘FOR A WRESTLER NAMED THE COMEDIAN YOU SURE AREN’T FUNNY’ to high five themselves over that line for the past decade, Allen knew what the hell he was doing. This was one of the two places where he was most confident. He had control. 

Okay, so the crowd isn’t quite ready for that yet. Let’s go back to what we know. To the tested material. The stuff that always gets results. Sometimes it isn’t exceptionally clever. Sometimes it’s downright gross.

But it always gets a laugh. 

It gets results.   

“So. My first memorable sexual experience….because you asked and I’m sure are DESPERATE to know…” Allen says, the audience laughs. The subversion is obvious. Placing the onus of the upcoming story on the audience.

“I was 17 years old and I was seeing a girl from my high school who had just turned 18 and I’m not saying that I was dating this girl because she had a reputation for being ‘easy’ but uh… okay yeah that was pretty much the reason I just didn’t want to sound like an asshole but yeah, 17 year old Allen was definitely trying to put is V-card in a fucking shredder.” Allen says, a few chuckles. That’s fine. Big laughs weren’t needed just yet.

“So we’re in her parents basement on the couch and we are just making out. And it is GREAT. It is PERFECT. And I pull away from a kiss and she lays back on the bed and looks up and gives me those eyes and I just KNOW that it’s finally going to happen for me despite how much I talk about Doctor Who and Bionicles and shit. Yeah, no don’t get me wrong I EARNED and DESERVED that V-Card.” Allen says. More laughs, a little louder now. Good good.

“So she looked deep into my eyes and I looked deeply into hers and all we can hear is our breathing and anyone can tell you that moment between two people is….there’s something beautiful about it. And then finally she spoke and she said…”

Allen milks this pause a little bit and just lets the silence hang.

“…’I want to feel your fist in me’…” 

Briefly the silence continues until shocked laughter hits as realization grips the audience. Allen elt’s them get it out of their system.

“And I whispered… ‘I…think we skipped a few steps’.”

Loud long laughter now as Allen whispers this line to the imagined woman he is looking down at on the couch.

“So uh….so I did it. I mean what am I gonna do at that point NOT do it? It’s about experience points now, I’m trying to level up.  ‘ALLEN Learned DYNAMIC PUNCH! Boom!’” Allen says before making a gesture of sticking his whole fist into something. Allen steps away almost as if to tell the audience an ‘aside’ from the current narrative.

“That is a Pokemon joke in the middle of a fisting story, which means I just won stand-up bingo.” Allen says. HUGE laughs.

“That is a hard fucking square to fill, let me tell ya.” Allen says. More laughter. He takes his position back with his fist out to show he was stepping back into the story.

“So if…I had to describe the sensation…it was like….wearing a snug mitten made of warm Christmas ham.” Allen says. The combination of disgust and laughter from the crowd is one of Allen’s favorite things. 

“So like I’m not hating it but like… not my thing. She seems to be having a GREAT time so at the very least I feel pretty good about my…skills? I guess? So everything is weird but fine until uh…well… if you’ve ever been walked in on by a girl’s parents…” Another pause to let the audience realize and go ‘OHHHHHHH’. 

“Then do I have a worse story than you do! See, her mom came downstairs and well…I was forearm deep in her little princess.” Allen says, standing there with a look on his face like a deer in headlights with his fist still out.

“Heeeey. Ha. How’s it going. Haha….wheeeeeeeew.” Allen says, clacking his tongue, embodying every bit of the awkwardness of the situation.

“Have YOU seen my keys?” He adds and the audience has one last big laugh.

“That’s my time, folks. Thank you very much.” Allen says, grabbing his notebook and empty glass as the crowd applauds. 

And then he’s back at the bar scribbling notes in the notebook.

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

He’d always adjust. He’d always find what works and what doesn’t.

Everything would always be a work in progress.