MSM Se2E2- Math Sucks
By: Allen Chaney
Writing Prompt: Yes
Date: 29th Apr 2022
‘THE COMEDIAN’ ALLEN CHANEY
The ‘Must-See Massacre’ Season 2: Episode 2-
“Growing up, I was discouraged from telling personal stories. My dad often used the phrase ’Don’t tell anyone.‘ But not about creepy things. I don’t want to lead you down the wrong path. It would be about insignificant things. Like I wouldn’t make the soccer team and my father would say, ’Don’t tell anyone.’ And I would say, ‘They’re gonna know when they show up to the games and I’m not on the team and I’m crying.’ ” -Mike Birbiglia
“Suck my dick.”
“Hello, Mr. Chaney.” Dr. Howell responds, already used to these interactions with Allen.
“No, seriously. You should take a few days off work being a complete fucking quack and spend it finding and kissing the fattest part of my ass.” Allen says, sitting on the couch across from his Psychiatrist with his arms folded in front of him.
“Match didn’t go well, then?” Dr. Howell asks, taking out his notepad and grabbing a pen.
“That’s not the point I’m here to make. I have some shit to get off my chest to you right before I never come back here ever again.” Allen says. He’d been threatening to never come back to see Dr. Howell ever again ever since he started seeing him and every week he still set up an appointment to see him again afterwards.
“Okay, I’m listening.” Howell says, ready to write.
“YOU sat there and you convinced me that I needed to stop living a life where I was just waiting for the bad thing to happen and appreciate the good and within HOURS of me letting my guard down the best thing I had going in my life was taken away from me.” Allen says accusingly.
‘And….you are blaming me for that?”
“Yes! What other explanation could there be except for you putting a curse on me?”
“Mr. Chaney… I’ve dealt with a lot in this line of work, and I have to say that I’ve never been accused of having magical powers before. That’s definitely new.” Dr. Howell says, blinking a few times as he processes this accusation.
“Well maybe I have witch-sight or whatever. I’ll out you and you’ll be set on fire or thrown into a river or given a show on Fox News or whatever they do these days to those who commune with Satan.” Allen says accusingly.
“Don’t YOU commune with someone who claims to be Satan.”
There is a pause. You can hear the gears of justification grinding in the head of The Comedian as he attempts to save this.
“Nice try but you won’t get me with your witch-tricks, I’m starting a facebook event to burn you right now. I’ll also buy a keg, maybe get some barbecue going. Make a whole thing of it. I wonder if it’s warm enough to get an outdoor venue with a pool. If anything we can all be warmed by your burning witch corpse.”
“A facebook event?”
“Yeah, good point. I’ll post about it on twitter. Pretty sure you can tweet about public witch murder now that the shitty James Bond villain is in charge. Stop distracting me. The point is that I’ve lived my life not expecting anything good to happen because I’ve learned the moment I let my guard down the world is just going to shit all over me. That has worked for me for some time and then one day YOU say ‘Hey, maybe learn to appreciate all the good you have right now’ and then BOOM. PWE is gone. My cushy well-paying writing gig for an animated series is gone and THEN I try and make the best of things and get punked out in my first match back.” Allen says, pointing an accusing finger at Dr. Howell.
“If I understood your tweet correctly, you showed up to that match without fully understanding the rules of it?”
“If I understood your tone just now correctly, you fuck your mother?” Allen says, Dr. Howell doesn’t even react, just still writing with a small grin.
“How was your weekend, Allen? Did you do anything fun?” Dr. Howell asks.
Another moment of silence. Allen levels a glare at his Psychiatrist but decides to play along.
“I saw a movie I liked and have been thinking about it a lot.” Allen says in monotone. Small talk. Guh.
“What movie? And why have you been thinking about it?”
“I saw ‘Everything, Everywhere, All at Once.’ and it was really good but now I can’t stop thinking about multiverse theory again.” Allen says, Howell remembered the last time they had discussed multiverse theory and was already starting to regret leading Allen down this path again but if it was on Allen’s mind… well this was his job.
“I start thinking about what if I woke up in a world where you didn’t curse me and PWE was still around. Waking up as Excellence Champion. I start thinking if that would actually make me happy and I’d still be waking up alone and the doubts creep in so I think back farther. I think back to waking up in a world where my sitcom wasn’t canceled and I never really had to come back to wrestling. I’ve got my own tv show, I get to go tour actual concert venues with my jokes and I can just coast….but then I think back and even before that got canceled I was dating Bryan who was cheating on me and dealing with a writers room turning all of my writing into formulaic Big Bang Theory shit and I was putting every substance under the sun into my body just to cope with selling out everything about myself. I spent years telling myself that the sitcom getting canceled was where things turned to crap but I was ALREADY miserable. Maybe I wouldn’t have to seek out the validation of strangers in comedy clubs and at wrestling shows if we go back all the way to when I was like 9 years old and I can stop myself from getting on that Ferris Wheel at the Norfolk County Fair that I got stuck on for an hour and a half and shit myself and Petey Wozniak saw it and told everyone at school and until we moved every kid in like a 10 mile radius called me ‘Fatty Shitwheel’ and I cried every single time I got called that and that memory came flooding back recently when I was at a restaurant and went to the bathroom and was having some tummy troubles and two kids acme in and slammed on the stall door and just started saying ‘DIARRHEA!’ over and over again and I had a very public anxiety attack that ended up on the dirtsheets so now I’m staying up late every night trying to find Petey Wozniak on Facebook and I’m not saying I’m trying to find and kill him but I don’t know why else I would be trying to find that evil little Polish motherfucker.” Allen says before taking the time to breathe after saying all of that without taking a breath. Dr. Howell had been scribbling notes at an incredible pace trying to get all of this down as Allen babbled at a mile a minute. Dr. Howell is really feeling like he’s really put together more than a few pieces of the puzzle that was his patient. Allen looks at the notepad.
“Either give me the notepad or burn all the pages with everything I just said yourself. Your other option is I use it for kindling for a witch fire.”
“Mr. Chaney, I-“
“You’re still the Witch.”
“I’ll set you on fire. Fatty Shitwheel does not leave this room.”
Allen puts his hand out. Dr. Howell rolls his eyes and hands Allen the notepad. Allen tears out the most written-on of the pages and tears it into confetti.
Over a trash can. He’s not a monster. He then tosses the notepad back to Dr. Howell.
“The point is that even as I try and think of how I would change things my brain tells me I would somehow just still not be happy. There’s always a catch. There’s always an asterisk leading to a footnote of ‘fuck you, Allen.’ “ Allen says. Dr. Howell takes a few more notes.
“So…Good movie, huh?” Dr. Howell says.
“Oh, absolutely PHENOMENAL film. Maybe my new favorite. If Michelle Yeoh doesn’t win an Oscar I’ll show up to slap literally EVERYONE and I hit WAY fucking harder than Big Willy.” Allen says, seemingly having already calmed down after his tangent.
“You’d think he’d hit harder. I imagine he did some actual boxing training to play Muhammad Ali.”
“Right?” Allen said. He had sworn off of jokes about the Oscar slap but he wasn’t on stage now so it didn’t count.
‘So do you intend to stick around in ‘Fight’ now that PWE is coming back?”
He starts to say something and stops.
Three blinks now.
“I believe I saw something about it on social media.”
‘Did you do this?! Is this you doing Witch shit to keep me from burning you?”
“I am very tempted to say ‘yes’ right now. Anyway, we can stop here for the day. Here. For a refill on the Xanax. Please try not to drink while using it.” Howell says, quickly filling out a prescription pad and tearing off a page. He hands it to Allen who snatches it away and heads out the door already starting to frantically send texts to people.
“In school they told me ‘Practice makes perfect’. And then they told me ‘Nobody’s perfect’, so then I stopped practicing.” – Steven Wright.
We find ourselves on what is clearly a set designed to look like a classroom with a teacher waiting at the front of the class. It kind of looks like the Boy Meets World set honestly but our teacher here is nowhere near the quality of Mr. Feeney. Hell, he isn’t even on the level of a Mr. Turner. Oh, also so no one is confused we are about to switch to a script-like structure. This signifies a shift between ‘reality’ and ‘sitcom’. Hope this clears that up. Hi, I’m the narrator. None of this is actually being said. Weird, right?
Penis penis penis.
Anyway, at this point the teacher checks his watch just as the door swings open and we hear stock applause as Allen Chaney enters wearing a high school Varsity jacket covered in logos for ‘PWE’ and carrying a backpack.
TEACHER: You are late, Mr. Chaney.
ALLEN CHANEY: Sorry, I know. I’m just having a little bit of trouble navigating around the new building. Me being the new kid in school and all.
A laugh track plays at this and Allen looks confused about why they would have played it there but he shrugs it off.
TEACHER: Well, Mr. Chaney you may have been the big man on campus at your OLD school but we do things a little different here in New York. That’s why I set you up with this tutoring session. Try and catch you up.
ALLEN CHANEY: Right, yes. I am ready to learn.
Allen stuffs his oversized body into one of the school desks clearly designed for a much smaller human and also glares at someone off-screen when the laugh track starts playing at this. He takes out a notebook and a pen.
ALLEN CHANEY: I mean, how hard can it be? I’ve been doing this a while now.
TEACHER: Okay then. To start with where we are already having some issues. What are the rules of a Bareknuckle fight?
ALLEN CHANEY: Uh… you fight with bare knuckles, right? Other than that just a fight with no rules.
The teacher shakes his head.
TEACHER: You can’t do any aerial moves or you’ll lose and you have to respond to a ten-count. Also you can wrap your hands so your knuckles aren’t technically 100% bare.
ALLEN CHANEY: Oh…well now that I know that I’ll keep it in mind…I guess.
TEACHER: Okay, now how do you get a title shot?
ALLEN CHANEY: Easy! I win matches and climb the ranks.
TEACHER: Did you read the textbook at all?
ALLEN CHANEY: I skimmed.
TEACHER: To get a shot at a title you have to get enough Blood Money to make a bid.
ALLEN CHANEY: And I earn Blood Money by….winning matches yeah?
TEACHER: Yes but you only get half-money if it’s any date with the number 5 in it but that money doubles if you’re wearing mismatched socks during your match. If it’s a leap year and you haven’t had any pork for a week you can sneak in a surprise bid but only if it’s tuesday. God help you if it isn’t tuesday. If it isn’t tuesday all your Blood Money is placed in a small box and we give it to a Chimp and set it free and you have to kill that Chimp and get the box back.
ALLEN CHANEY: Can I just take the box and leave the chimp alive?
TEACHER: Good luck. That Chimp will hunt you for the rest of your life. Also you only get to keep 3 quarters of your blood money if you don’t bring back a chimp scalp to confirm the kill. Now do you get that? Because we’re about to get to the Blood Money Stock Exchange and I have some puppets and a big bucket full of spicy mustard to help explain that bit and the mustard is getting real warm.
ALLEN CHANEY: Ugh, this must be what it’s like trying to learn ‘Common Core’. Look, I get that you guys do things different here and I appreciate it. I’m not gonna make fun but I’m a pretty simple dude and I’m not good at math. There is one thing I’m SUPER good at though so I’m just gonna keep doing that and hope that gets me all the fancy blood dollars I need to be the new big man on campus. Even if it doesn’t I’ll still have fun.
TEACHER: And what exactly is it that you’re good a-
The Teacher is interrupted by a boot to the chest from a suddenly standing Allen followed by being hoisted up and gutwrench powerbombed through the desk. Allen is about to say something clever to follow up this moment and FINALLY have the laugh track play at the right time when he notices the film crew rushing the set to help the guy he put through the desk.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey…HEY! What the fuck?! We’re supposed to…
The camera spins around to the Director standing beside a stuntman dressed in a more protective and padded version of the teachers outfit before going back to Allen looking like a deer in the headlights. Allen looks at the stuntman, then down at the actor he just put through the desk, then the director. He was bad at math but he did manage to put this equation together.
ALLEN CHANEY: Shiiiiiit. Okay I see why you wanted to rehearse this now. Okay. Fuck. He signed a waiver, yeah? He’s not SAG is he? Please tell me you aren’t still filmi-
A cut. Suddenly the shot has changed and Allen is sitting on a non-broken desk casually.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hello, fellow students and a big hello to my opponent Taylor Roads! I’m Allen Chaney: Comedian, Pro Wrestler, Writer, Actor, Sexual Dynamo, but most importnatly? A student. I may have been at this for over a decade now but I am still learning things with every passing day. Season 2 of the Must-See Massacre has started and…well it hit a bit of a bump. Let’s get into it and hey….maybe we can learn together?
A big happy gesture from Allen, inviting us to come along with him on his learning journey.
ALLEN CHANEY: So I talked a big game and swung me a chair and put the spotlight on myself and as soon as it was there I took that opportunity to man up, rise above all the doubters, and piss it all right down my leg in front of everybody. ‘I’m a widdle baby and look at all this pee-pee on my pants’ I may as well have announced to the crowd. I know a lot of people might be thinking my claim of not knowing the rules of a ‘Bareknuckle’ fight is me trying to duck taking responsibility for the loss but nah, it’s actually worse. It makes me a proper fucking idiot for not doing my research. I attempted a moonsault that would’ve lost me the match if I hit it and then when I tried to stand up I was confused the whole time about why the referee was counting. Real top-tier dumbass shit on my part. All I can do is shrug and keep moving. I’ve got bills to pay and I also need money to buy alcohol and pay strippers to think I’m interesting or I will experience full ego death and probably get a job somewhere sad like Applebees or NFW.
Allen takes a moment to contemplate his ego dying. It was already on life support. Stripper and Whiskey Life Support. Allen makes a mental note to write this full stand-up bit later.
ALLEN CHANEY: At the very least, after Venom 20 I can say that my mistake is only the SECOND most embarrassing thing to happen on the card. Now is when I point and laugh at my current opponent over the baby oil thing. ‘Ha ha’ I will say. I won’t say, like, a lot more than that because it’s all way way WAY too easy. That’d be about as original as cracking fat jokes about me. So let’s boil it down to the facts. I’m The Comedian. You’re a fucking Joke. Comedians are the masters of Jokes. I suppose in a sense then, that would make YOU kinda… oh what’s the word…what’s the word…
Allen snaps, trying to think of the correct word until finally the correct word hits him.
ALLEN CHANEY: …my Bitch!
Allen smiles at this ‘sudden realization’.
ALLEN CHANEY: So let me make what is about to happen very clear, Terry Avenues. I’m gonna fuckin smush ya. The way I’m about to fuck you, you’ll be begging to have the baby oil back just so there’s some lube. You wanna go viral, kid? I’ma grant your fucking wish but it won’t be on Youtube or Tik Tok. This match is going up on the good ol P-Hub with the title ‘Baby Oil Twink CRUSHED by Big Bear’.
Allen makes a ‘crushing’ motion with his hands.
ALLEN CHANEY: Tyson. I just lost. You just won. By all logic I should not have a single iota of confidence going into this fight. That’s why I think you’re gonna be surprised to see me sit here and smile and not shed a drop of sweat as I say… this one’s about to go very poorly for you. It’s definitely not gonna go the way you are thinking or hoping it’s gonna go.
Allen says this as if he is offering friendly caution.
ALLEN CHANEY: I lost to Dane Preston. The man standing at number 3 in the Blood Money rankings in this company and YES I HAD SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THAT MEANS I’M ALL CAUGHT UP NOW. I also brought him a fucking fight. Go ahead and ask him. You barely squeaked out a DQ win against the Invisible Man. We are not the same.
Allen shakes his head to emphasize his point.
ALEN CHANEY: But at the end of the day I can make as many justifications as I want. Six months from now it won’t matter. All anyone will remember from Venom 20 in regards to our careers is a ‘W’ for you and an ‘L’ for me. I’ve been around long enough to know that and I’m carrying that into this fight. The record can not be reset, or altered. I’ve had a joke or two bomb before. I’ve bombed a set or two then come back a week later and killed because my rep depended on it. My rep currently depends on me absolutely wrecking you, kid…and even though I’m sure you have a fucking FASCINATING and original array of jokes about me being a fat unfunny loser… this is nothing personal. I really hope we get something original out of you, though. Hell, I’d even settle for a GOOD fat joke. I mean look at this shit!
Allen lifts up his t-shirt to expose his belly. It’s paler than the rest of him. Also he fat. Heckin big chonker, this one.
ALLEN CHANEY: Look at all the material I’m giving you to work with here, you generic ass default create-a-wrestler motherfucker! Hurt my fucking feelings! It can’t be that hard! Do you know how many times I’ve cried during a Pixar film? Bitch, I squirted a few to Encanto literally LAST NIGHT. I offer you all my jugular looking for a bite and all I get are sad little nibbles. How the fuck am I supposed to get a murder boner if you all suck at foreplay so fucking bad? This Violence Nut ain’t gonna bust itself.
Allen looks down at his pants where one would assume said murder boner would manifest.
ALLEN CHANEY: I know I said that there’s nothing personal in all of this but if there was anyone in this company I could see myself hating… yeah, you’d be the dude. Entirely misplaced sense of entitlement. Oh you know MMA bullshit? That’s cool. I’m a professional wrestler. MMA is just boring wrestling. Last MMA show I went to I didn’t see a single Shooting Star Press and a dude got locked in an armbar and tapped out like IMMEDIATELY and didn’t even TRY to rally the crowd for inspiration to break the hold. Pretty sure MMA is either rigged or fake and you wanna bring that shit to Pro Wrestling? Come trying any of that bullshit and this match will be over faster than a Vine video and your career will be over as fast as Vine in general was. I know that confuses you but Vine was an app that was around when I was winning my third World title and while you were eating square pizza in the cafeteria and wondering why all the other boys were developing faster than you are. Here’s hoping me beating the hell out of you causes enough of a rush of adrenaline and testosterone that you finally manage to sprout your first pube. I and others can’t wait for the celebratory First Pube Tiktok dance. Sorry, I’m used to facing a better and more entertaining class of Gen Z’er than you. Gah, I miss Lewis Chad-Pinkston.
Allen feels those words come out of his mouth and makes a face like it came out tasting like someone farted in his mouth.
ALLEN CHANEY: So with all of that out of the way now we have the million dollar question…am I sticking around here after August? Look, I know how bad an idea it is when you’re with someone new to talk about your ex all the time and I have not shut the fuck about PWE since I showed up here so I imagine there is some concern now that we know PWE is reopening. All I can say is… I know I’ve talked a buncha shit here about your blood dollars or whatever but I like it here so far. Does that mean I’m sticking around in August? There’s a chance I leave but I’d say odds are pretty good I stick around. I dig the vibes and I can’t WAIT to fuck those vibes up for everyone else.
Allen offers us a wink and a smirk.
ALLEN CHANEY: But I’m getting ahead of myself. I can sit here and tell you all what a big deal I am and tell you all about past titles I won that no longer matter but the fact is me sticking around is a non-factor if I can’t deliver here. I’m showing up to this Oh and one. I gotta fix that shit and I gotta do it with authority.
Allen stands from the desk and picks up his backpack.
ALLEN CHANEY: It’s like I said, Ty. I think you’re a Joke. And every joke has to have an ending. Set-up. Punchline.