Once in a Lifetime
By: Noelle Rivers
Date: 9th Jul 2021
How the fuck did I get here? The words kept flashing into the forefront of my brain as I followed the other three members of our ragtag group of miscreant misfits down the crowded streets of Manhattan. Does that ever happen to you? Like, you get these random ass flashes of images or words in your mind that you donít feel like you put there yourself? It happens to me all the time but usually itís always the same image. Like a twenty second clip of a video Iíve never seen, just the close up of my hand running the blade along my opposite wrist and splitting my seams until the juicy center spills out all over the floor. Then it all loops back over again. Donít get it twisted, Iím not Cobian. Iíve never actually tried to off myself even though shit has gotten hairy a few times over. So, like, thatís what makes it such a fucking phenomenon. If itís not something that Iím remembering, is it something that occurs in the future? How sideways does the pilot episode get that I cross myself out? Whatevs. Iím getting sidetracked. All Iím trying to say to you is that these words, this phrase, kept flashing into my mind as we all stood there looking up at the big ass building in front of us that weíd taken to calling the Batcave.
Itís weird, this building. Itís got this time capsule warehouse on the bottom with this futuristic architectural glass dildo jutting up from its blue collar base like the middle finger on the hand of the taxi driver that nearly clipped trAshbag ten minutes ago. Itís weird, like us.
The four of us were like some vintage cookbook recipe gone wrong, lovingly thrown together into a copper jello mold by a cook who was three drinks past sloshed and just trying to get through the day-to-day existence of her humdrum life. The cook or cooks rather in this analogy were our Parental Units, the newly christened Blacks. JJ Starfire was the jello of this show, the one who went with anything and was clearly the most beloved in the kitchen by cooks and toddlers alike for his jiggly easy-going nature. Asher was the cottage cheese because it took you a while to get comfortable with him but apparently once someone did they loved him and defended him to their last fucking breath against anyone else who points out how absolutely disgusting he is. Not that Iím subtweeting or anything. Pixie was mayonnaise because sheís white, dull and makes me barf. As for me? I wasnít sure what I was yet. Maybe sauerkraut. Iím still trying to figure it out.
The group of us shouldnít have worked together and we didnít. Everyday was like waking up in the worlds worst fucking episode of The Real World. Or I guess thatís really just any episode of The Real World. Idk, Iíve never seen it. To my left, I looked over top of Asherís head in the direction of JJ Starfire and Pixie solemnly standing beside him. She was in some emo depressive state over quitting?? Getting fired??? From that other company she was moonlighting as a professional at and had been in a real mood ever since the Blacks chartered her back to our makeshift prison. This was working out fantastically for me personally as Iíd rather listen to kittens in a blender than the sound of her incessant screech and as luck would have it, the big sad also made her the big quiet. Now, if only I could figure out a way to replicate the affliction to Asher life would be near perfect for me but after a quick rendezvous with Johnny Law he seemed to be back to prime form so it looked like Iíd have to settle for just the one.
The irony was not lost on me that for all appearances of disdain for one another we had stuck close by one another ever since landing in NYC, I guess it was one of those cases of the devil you know versus the one you donít. These people might make me want to eat the business end of a nail gun but at least I knew what Iíd get with them and for all their annoyance they were basically a harmless bunch of diarrhea soaked anal beads with the personalities to match. In the cocoon of our group there was a certain safety which was possibly because for all the bluster and attitude between us we were actually very low on any real talent or ability to do physical damage.
That was sure to make whatever this event weíd been summoned for all the more fun. Privately, we had known that this was somewhat coming as the crack smoking opossum turned human woman had quietly warned her little faves not to worry about the future of the shithole we were in before. I guess all her time on her back had finally paid off in some actual useful information for us about what the future held. But in true Vhodka fashion her actual knowledge was pretty slim, she knew that there was another company and that we were expected to be ready to fight on the tenth when everyone and their kissing cousin showed up at this place. But did she know anything about what to expect when we actually stepped through the door? Fuck no. Or shit, maybe she did and just didnít want to tell us as this was another weird test her and Mr. Cleaver had thought up to run us through and see how we did. I was working on my own assumptions that this would be some kind of free-for-all bullshit where our mentors would inevitably grade us on how well the four of us ended up working together. You know, the ties that bind us.
As I stood there staring at the reflection of the four of us in the windows it startled me to realize that I was actually… excited about all this. Total Twilight Zone. When I came here, I thought of it just as a good way to get out of Tennessee for a while and get my case worker off my back but over the last few weeks I realized that more than anything else I had ever done in my life that this suited me. Check it, so, like, I really donít fuckiní vibe with most people, right? Getting into fights was half of my problem back when I was staying with Grams and now here come these idiots who not only wanted me to fight, they wanted to PAY ME to fight. I mean, why do for free what you can get paid for or some shit, right? But here’s the rub, I figured out from watching the other three that yeah, you can get paid to go out there and be a human punching bag but you get paid better if you can make it look good. Know what I mean? Like, for the most part no one wants to watch a murder unless youíre Brennan Moore. The sycophants in these crowds want some tension, some suspense. So, if I wanted to make major bank I needed to figure out a way to actually, like, get good at this shit. Obviously, size was so not my advantage, I wasnít any bigger than Pixie. But then I started watching Trash with his escaped demented senior citizen trainer and realized that for once in his life, his idea about capitalizing on his speed wasnít actually a bad one. I may not be able to pack a punch but in talking with Vhodka I realized that there were a fuckton of ways to shave a pussy. No really, she told me about all the different ways sheís shaved her cooch. Dark shit, man.
So thatís it then. I didnít know what to expect when they opened this bitch up but I knew what my goal was and that was to last as long as possible in whatever they threw me into. To do that Iíd had to simp to the VeeBeeís for some one-on-one training ahead of this shit so I wasnít just biting nipples the whole way through. After having to floss chest hairs out of my teeth for two hours last time the shine was kind of taken out of the whole mouth assault. Besides, have you seen some of these disgusting motherfuckers? Like licking the toilet bowl. Oh, I had one more plan, well two, actually. The first was to use what I was given and when I say use what I was given that included the sentient bean bags currently standing at my side. The second? Well, the second was just about due.
? Noelle Rivers ?
Donít fuck this up.
? Asher Jules ?
Still donít know why you couldnít just wear a skirt, taint of Ďer cockcatcher would haveíem declaring the building for demolition in under the hour and thereíd be no need for all this then.
I drove a hard knuckle into his ribs but he jumped to the side to avoid the full brunt of the blow before skipping towards the front door of the FIGHT tower. Inside the lobby was a flurry of activity ahead of the whatever the fuck they had conned us into in only a few short days. Asher nodded towards a heavy set woman sitting behind a reception desk before he threw up two fingers to his mouth, wiggled his slimy ass tongue between them and then winked in my direction before peeling off from the group and into the crowd of contractors moving through the main lobby. JJ looked at me like he wanted a fuckiní national declaration before he could keep to his part of this whole thing while Mumblefuck Martha aka Pixie Sloan stood in a stroke faced drooling daze beside him. JJ elbowed Pixie in the ribs in what I guess must have been an attempt to get her to hold up her end of the deal but of course the little fuck stood there as useless as the tits on Tommy Kain as she had done the entire time since she got back from that two bit puppet show she was working at before.
? Noelle Rivers ?
Dumbfuck, sheís on the phone, thatís your queue.
Nothing. Just more of that loopy as fucking look on her face as she stood there like she couldnít even see the room in front of her. I didnít know what the fuck her deal was but I was getting just a little bit tired of it raining all over my plans to get myself paid. This plan hitched on us working together for a common goal and if she couldnít hold up her end of the deal she was dead weight I didnít need. I snapped my fingers in front of her face to no reaction.
? Noelle Rivers ?
Are you fucking listening? Jesus cum fucking Christ just follow JJ and try not to ruin this.
You see what I mean? Iím constantly surrounded by lead paint eating motherfuckers. But like they say, you want something done right you have to do it yourself. The skin of my face felt tight and itchy as I plastered on the most sincere smile I could muster as I approached the receptionist who was holding a phone to her ear and fielding questions from Asher who was camped out behind a very large cut cardboard cutout of Joe and Allison Montuori on the opposite side of the lobby. The pudgy pigeon toed broad held her finger up as I leaned over the desk making sure to ratchet my voice up a few octaves for authenticity.
? Noelle Rivers ?
Oh my good, this place is, like, soooo cool. You must be, like, totally excited to work here, right?
Receptionist smiled and nodded at me as she held her hand again trying to listen to the cockney accent Asher was laying on thick emanating from the receiver. My eyes scanned the room for JJís gargantuan height as he waited for the next stream of contractors to enter or exit the inner door of the lobby.
? Noelle Rivers ?
Iím here to see my Uncle if you could see if heís here? His name is Funcle X. El oh el I mean sorry, duhhh, you wouldnít call him that huh? His name is XavierÖ well, I actually donít know what last name heís using right now but like, how many guys named Xavier could there be right?? Haha anyway, like, Iím supposed to pick up some paperwork from Funcle X and take it downtown for him.
Midway through the receptionist had placed the phone received back on the cradle and attempted to catch up to my stream of words somewhere in the middle. A sudden commotion behind me let me know that JJ had hit his mark, both myself and the receptionist turned at the loud sound to see JJ on the ground struggling with a potted ficus tree that was spilling soil all over the place. I scanned for Martha and found her holding up a piece of wall near the inner door, eyes cast to the ground. JJ was making a good show of trying to resituate the potted tree by dragging it loudly across the floor as the receptionist bounded in his direction assuring him it was fine that she would take care of it. A whistle from Asher who had joined Marthaís side let me know we needed to move. JJ looked up at the sound of the whistle leaving the receptionist to struggle with the tree as he joined the three of us at the inner door. Asher, having clipped a prox card off one of the contractors, swiped it quickly as we all shuffled inside.
Record scratch. Freeze frame. So hereís the thing. Gomez and Morticia had set us all up in a hotel as few blocks away from this place until we got closer to the show. Something about us not having an unfair advantage by knowing the layout of the building before everyone else or some dumb shit like that. Well, I guess it wasnít that fuckin dumb after all cause it got me thinking. If we knew the layout of the building weíd be that much more ahead of the rest of the fuck nuggets showing up for the show which was an advantage I could personally use. So, I decided to tell Asher what I was thinking and man, that twat lit up like a Christmas tree. Hardly had to plan any of this shit myself as he just took right on over from there. Now all I had to do was make sure we got in undetected and then weíd be home free. Sure, the building would be busy as fuck but most of these people would have no idea who we were and that we werenít supposed to be here. The plan was the tits.
What I hadnít accounted for was goddamn Xavier Wolf to have Vincent the Voyeur in his office right as the precise moment we pulled the scam in the lobby. We had barely been inside all of five minutes when we found a door that looked like it led to some sort of underground basement area. No sooner had we pushed the door open and saw what looked like a ring were we greeted with the big as toxic avenger looking motherfucker known as Vincent Black. He gnashed his teeth at us like naughty children and led us to our new home. We hardly even had a chance to take it in before he was barking at us.
? Vincent Black ?
This door remains locked until itís time, there is enough food in here to last you. Youíll know what to do when the light turns green.
And with that ominous parting remark the door was slammed and a small light beside it went red. Asher immediately went for the handle trying to wrench it open while Pixie walked through the place to the first door she found and entered the room, slamming it behind her. JJ was staring at everything with that same dumb fucking look he always has. The laughter in my throat bubbled up and out of my mouth as tears threatened to leak out my eyes.
? Asher Jules ?
Oi, gash, whatís this about!
? Noelle Rivers ?
He gave us a guided fuckiní tour!