Snatch

By: Noelle Rivers

Date: 5th Aug 2021

I have a problem with men. Fuck me, okay, I guess thatís an understatement. Start over. I have a problem with pretty much everyone but I seem to have a very specific problem with men. For starters, most of them should have been aborted but I donít have to tell you that. After all, Iím sure youíve met some of the sentient cum socks for yourself. What value are they really adding to the world? War? Disease? Airsoft gun businesses? The bar is on the motherfucking floor. Anyway, for the most part theyíre all terrible fucking wastes of space, but hey, so are most women. A fact I am reminded of as I check my Venom booking for the next week. Yippe-fuckin-yay. Iíll get to that later.

The second problem I have with men is my ability to distinguish the sacks of shit from the piles of shit. Sacks of shit, while still being a literal bag filled with defecation, are easier. Theyíre self-contained and you can carry them around until itís time to ditch them. Toss the bag in the nearest bin and you come out of things relatively clean still when itís all said and done. Piles of shit are much harder for the simple fact that once you step in one youíll never be entirely free of them again. The soft brown pile of excrement swallows up your foot on the initial step down, infiltrating every crevice in the bottom of your shoe like liquid flowing through a maze to find the exit. You keep walking but every step you take leaves a perfect imprint of shit behind and for weeks youíll look at the bottom of your shoe and find dried up pieces of turd still clinging to the rubber tred. Youíll convince yourself itís mud from that weird summer storm we had last week but inside you know the truth. Sure, you could get your hands dirty and use a q-tip between the grooves but whoís to say that youíd ever really get it all? Donít even get me started on the smell in your car for the next three months of summer after you accidentally step on the floor mat before you notice the destruction someoneís asshole has wrought on those boots you really love.

Men fall into one of these two categories for me – the sacks of shit, who despite being shit, I can tolerate for a while until I find a can to dump them in and the piles of shit who I keep finding chunks of long after our encounter has ended. This is about both types.

The wad of rolled up bills hit Asher square against his bare chest with a thwap as I plopped down onto the couch beside him, drawing my legs up to my chest and running a hand through my hair. Asher claws at the cash roll now resting on what has to be a very small dick, peeling each bill back from the next as he counts the total in his head. As he completes his count his head snaps up, lips curled back to snarl at me.

? Asher Jules ?
Oi! Thereís only fifty here. You owe me another twenty five, bird.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Fuck outta here, you said fifty!

? Asher Jules ?
Ďavenít said nothiní of tha sort. It was always seventy five.

? Noelle Rivers ?
We agreed on fifty after services were rendered. Thereís your fifty, weíre fuckiní square.

? Asher Jules ?
Say thatís true, what of my personal expenses incurred in the line of duty?

? Noelle Rivers ?
What personal expenses? What the fuck are you on about now?

? Asher Jules ?
You donít think milkshakes just grow on trees do you? I had to take an Uber to the shops to get you that milkshake, then I had to Uber all the way back here in proper rush hour traffic. Even paid a premium so as I could get the Strawberry kind and ensure a smooth execution of services. Going the extra mile and all that so the Dark Tiger didnít make you his personal pussycat. This says nothing of the great personal risk I put myself in all in the name of helping you out.

? Noelle Rivers ?
You got the milkshake from downstairs and you didnít pay for it because you stuck a dead roach in it when they werenít looking.

Asher grinned while he slid the crumple of bills into his pants pocket, apparently quite pleased with himself for that one.

? Asher Jules ?
That was an imported Madagascar cockroach, Pigeon. Top of the line. Another incurred expense.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Youíre the worst. Fine, Iíll give you another ten.

? Asher Jules ?
Pleasure doing business with you.

I reached into my bra pulling out two fives I had stashed as Asher made retching sounds beside me. The bills were extended toward him and he grasped them gingerly with two fingers before throwing them onto the coffee table in front of him.

? Asher Jules ?
Best to let them air out. Donít want to lose me lunch.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Youíre a taint goblin. Whatís on?

? Asher Jules ?
The good doc Ďas a new one up, just uploaded today.

? Noelle Rivers ?
No shit? Whatís she got?

? Asher Jules ?
Itís a special one, tonsil stones.

? Noelle Rivers ?
We gotta get Starfuck in here for this. Fifteen says he ralphs.

? Asher Jules ?
Ye of little faith. Terms accepted.

At precisely the same moment JJ Starfire heard a sound that had become much more frequent these last few weeks but still seemed to startle him every time it occurred. Asher and Noelle both calling out for him at the top of their lungs through the small four bedroom apartment they had been moved into in FIGHT! tower. JJ was smart enough to dread whatever it was that the terror twins had planned this time but outweighing his dread was his desire for them all to finally be friends. To JJ, Asher and Noelle spending more time together was a good sign, even if most of it was spent hurling insults like professional tennis players pelting balls back and forth. If they spent enough time together maybe eventually they would grow to like one another and then maybe they would also grow to like him and Marf. JJ padded barefoot into the living area to look down at Asher and Noelle huddled together on the couch whispering to each other, both turning to him at the same time as he entered and took the chair on the other side of the room, resting one ankle on his opposite knee.

? JJ Starfire ?
What are you guys up to now?

? Asher Jules ?
Proper chaffed you think weíre up to something, bruv. Cuts me deep, that one.

? Noelle Rivers ?
We just wanted to invite you to watch TV with us but if you donít want to go ahead piss off then.

? JJ Starfire ?
I didnít mean it like that I just saw you whispering and thou-

? Asher Jules ?
Already forgotten. Speak of it no more.

Asher clicks play on the television rolling the video along the screen. A couple of weeks ago weíd stumbled upon the fact that we actually had one thing in common. Shit the bed, I know, right? Turns out Trashy Ashy and me actually both follow this same doctor on YouTube who specializes in cysts and other various dermatological afflictions of the aesthetically challenged. Our tastes about the Doc were as varied as everything else, with Asher liking the punch and sack videos and me preferring dilated pore of winer but we both agreed on the kinds inside the ear. JJ glanced at the television screen, his tan skin turning a nifty shade of green as the light from the television played over the features of his face and reflected in his hazel eyes. His gaze shot to me for some fucking reason but he quickly looked away and back to the television as soon as he realized I was already looking at him.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Whereís the nympho?

? Asher Jules ?
You bell end! You mean nymph.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Same difference.

? JJ Starfire ?
I mean I reckon sheís a closet nympho anyway.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Sheís definitely in some closet or another.

? JJ Starfire ?
Sheís still asleep. Sheís been up all night on the XBox and even I couldnít stay awake. Fell asleep on her bedroom floor. LOL. Anyway, yeah, try to wake her up if you want.

? Noelle Rivers ?
And have to interact with her? Hard pass.

? JJ Starfire ?
Sheís like.. Going through some shit man. Let up on her a bit. Youíd love her if you gave her a chance I bet.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Iíd rather have a gynecological exam with a hot fireplace poker.

JJ ignored me instead opting to change the subject like he does most of the time whenever I say something to the fuckle knuckle.

? JJ Starfire ?
Do you guys wanna swap this to some anime? I know a real cool one that I bet youíd love.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Gross, no. Got plans to make for Venom..

? Asher Jules ?
Itíll be eighty for another diner special. A hundred if theyíve taken to locking the door.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Pass.

? Asher Jules ?
Youíve got another plan, then?

? Noelle Rivers ?
Yeah, Iím going to fight them.

Asher and JJ both stared at me with near identical looks of shock on their faces reminding me very much of if the Shining Twins were mutated cum filled ravioli made human. Asher is the first to break, throwing his head back and laughing as if it was the funniest thing heíd ever heard in his life. I gave him a knuckle shot in the arm, scowling across the room at JJ who didnít join in on the laughter but seemed to be fighting some dumb fuckiní smile from spreading across his dicksucker.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Shut up! Itís not funny.

? JJ Starfire ?
If you say so…

? Noelle Rivers ?
Iíve been training, I can do shit now.

? JJ Starfire ?
Bet.

? Noelle Rivers ?
I CAN! Itís not like Iím facing some fucking seven foot tall eighty year veteran this time. Itís a junkie and a biker bitch with one good hand. Iím not that great but Iím sure as fuck capable of outsmarting those two doorknobs.

? Asher Jules ?
Good on ya, love. Itíll be reet, posi Ďbout it. Youíll be the right snatch of the match.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Fuck you. Fuck both of you.

? Asher Jules ?
Going to fight them, she says. Funniest thing Iíve heard all week.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Youíre a twat. Havenít seen you or Starfucker doing much lately so maybe you should both just shut the fuck up.

? Asher Jules ?
Havenít you heard? Iím injured. You wouldnít want me to go out there and further harm myself would you? Donít answer that.

? JJ Starfire ?
You could probably beat Ophelia, I mean, I beat her back in one of my very first matches before I even had any training.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Thank you! All sheís good for is lead footing the fuckery pedal on Twitter. Sheís more developmental than I am.

JJ smiled widely and I instantly hated myself for letting the words slip out of my mouth. Now heíd follow me around like some goddamn puppy that thought I had treats for the rest of the day. Heís always doing shit like that, at first I thought he was some kind of bizarro weirdass creeper but itís been months of it.

? Asher Jules ?
Even if you could stomp the danger wank youíd still have to deal with the Bologna sandwich.

? JJ Starfire ?
Bologna sandwich?

? Asher Jules ?
Dizzy Miss had an encounter, said that her snatch was more foul than Noelleís. No easy feat, that. Though, that was before they all became bosom buddies, so maybe the smell has dissipated by now. Oi, Pigeí, why donít you challenge her to a stench off?

? Noelle Rivers ?
Ugh, just compost me. Your material is getting stale as fuck.

? Asher Jules ?
Also what they say about your vag.

? Noelle Rivers ?
As if anyone would tell you.

? Asher Jules ?
As if anyone could live to tell the tale.

Under normal circumstances Trasher would be right about the biker bitch but judging by her recent showings at Blood Money and on Venom I couldnít get my give a fuck meter up high enough to consider her even a moderate threat. Iíd been training, like seriously fucking training, with Vhodka and some others she deemed to be “good educators”. Most of them were fucknuts but they seemed to have a basic grasp of how this shit worked so I defied my baser instincts and actually tried to listen to some shit they said. To my surprise, and the shock of literally everyone else, I was picking things up fairly easily for being a glorified intern with less than the sixth month’s experience. Iíd likely never be the best or anything but fuck, some of these people were way more tragic than me. People like Ophelia who seemed to be in this business for reasons I couldnít figure the fuck out. Youíd think sheíd be off hanging out with her pre-embryonic alien friend making shitty makeup thatíll end up being clearanced at a Ross somewhere in middle America. Or making another shitty Disney remake no one asked for or bought tickets to see. When an animated cartoon character written fifty years ago has more charisma than you itís time to X out the window, man. She had even worse ring work than the biker, seemingly she was just interested in being cringe on twitter and fucking her emaciated Grover looking boyfriend that most certainly has more venereal diseases than even Asher. Ophelia Pain wouldnít even be a fuckiní blip on the map in this business. Three years from now sheíll be shilling Scentsy from her double wide to fat ass housewives who remember her from that thing she did that one time before the drugs addled her brain and she cooked up a multiple personality as a disability scam. Iím not worried about someone who sounds like they named themselves after the seasonal part time cashier at a Hot Topic.

Biker bitch thinks sheís tough, but Iíve asked around and sheís done fuckall in this racket. She was a loser in Fade 2 Black and a joke in that Project Honor shithole which is actually the most impressive bit about her considering everyone signed there is a walking Carrot Top skit. Shit man, might as well take that Queens belt and put it on this bitch so she can at least officially be the king of the losers. Iím not going to spend my time being concerned about losing to someone whose entire personality is a conglomerate of trendy television shows she scammed her gimmick from. Viking biker? Please. Next youíll tell me she lives next door to a couple called The Mertzes who cook up blue meth.

The bell on the front door buzzed authoritatively, startling us away from the images of tonsil stone extraction on the television screen. Asher and Iís middle fingers immediately flew to our noses with a chorus of “not it” leaving JJ who was still learning this game to sullenly rise from his chair and pad across the living room floor to open the front door. Heh, sucker. JJís body language instantly changed the moment he opened the door, turning back apprehensively to look over his shoulder in the direction of Trash Bag and myself.

? JJ Starfire ?
Itís a guy looking for Noelle.

? Asher Jules ?
Must be contact tracing for some new form of STD. Aw, Pigeí youíre patient zero!

? JJ Starfire ?
He says heís her boyfriend.

Asherís jaw hit the ground in shock before his expression rapidly changed to outright disgust followed in quick succession by disbelief. Both men turned to stare at me, clearly feeling like they had some sort of right to be all up in my shit. Before they could say another word I was up on my feet and heading towards the door and the sack of shit waiting for me on the other side.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Itís complicated.

James Issac stood in the doorway with one arm resting on the jam and the other hand plunged into his back pocket looking every bit like some reincarnated grunge singer that had found his way out of a sleazy nineties dive bar and right to the doorway of my new life. He was dirty, not actually hygienically but more of a weird aesthetic trick he used to get that two days past needing a shower look. His wavy hair had been cropped into a traditional menís cut since the last time Iíd seen him and it irritated the fuck out of me to know that heíd done it without telling me even though I had no right to really feel that way. But fuck logic, right? Thatís the complicated part I guess. He was my boyfriend before but he wasnít currently as of now, at least I didnít think he was. My heart constricted in my chest thinking about the possibility of us maybe getting back together even as I knew in the back of my head it was a terrible fucking idea.

I grabbed James by the hand and drug him through the living room past Asher and JJís judgemental gaze and straight into my bedroom, not even getting a chance to close the door before his hand was down the front of my pants. My own hand clung to his wrist trying to pull it out of my black jeans, having to outright yank to get him to withdraw as he laughed at me.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Bro, chill. What the fuck are you doing here?

? James Issac ?
Iím in town for a gig and thought what the hell, why not stop by and visit my girl while Iím here.

? Noelle Rivers ?
How did you even know where to find me?

James rolled his eyes, stepping closer to me and hooking a finger in my top, pulling it away from my skin so he could take a peek inside.

? James Issac ?
Youíre famous now, everyone knows where to find you. Didnít think Iíd actually be able to get in, though. You put me on your guest list?

Ugh, fucking kill me. When I put James on my guest list I hadnít really ever thought that heíd actually show up here, even if I had hoped for it deep down somewhere. Truthfully, I just felt like a loser not having anyone besides Roxy and Grams to put on there so I threw him in to pad the list some. Fucking pathetic, right?

? Noelle Rivers ?
How long are you in town for?

? James Issac ?
Thatís actually part of what I wanted to talk to you about. We were supposed to be heading out today but the fucking van broke down again and weíre all tapped out. We donít know anyone else in the city, so Sam had this idea that maybe you could spot us some cash to get us to the next city. I hate to fuckiní ask, man, you know that..

He looked down as he trailed off, sticking his hands back in his pockets before lifting his chin to smile at me embarrassedly.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Oh yeah, shit, sure. Uh..

Across the room was a small air conditioning return vent near the floor, I dropped to kneel down before it, wrenching off the metal covering and pulling out a small wad of cash. None of these dickheads in this apartment could be trusted so Iíd taken to hiding any money I made here, less Asher walk off with it. Standing back up I extended a couple of fifties towards James who laughed a little, rocking back on his heels as he looked at the rest of the money in the vent.

? James Issac ?
The thing is to fix the van we need like, fuck, I donít know, three?

? Noelle Rivers ?
Three hundred dollars?

? James Issac ?
Hey, youíre a star now Iím sure you make that shit easy, no problem these days.

I looked down to the money left in the vent calculating in my head how much I had already spent and how much I roughly had left. There was just enough there to give James the three hundred he needed to fix the fan with thirty left over for me until the next time I got a check. If I didnít leave the tower until after the match with Pain and Mitchell I could swing it. And if I actually won Iíd make double what I made just to show up. James kneeled down, taking the bills out of my hands as I did the mental math, kissing my hair while he did so.

? James Issac ?
Youíre a doll. Valís gonna shit bricks. She said no way youíd loan us the cash.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Valís here? What the fuck, J? You didnít say shit about Val being with you.

We both rose to our feet at the same time, James looking across the room and away from me as I snarled in his face. Val was a fucking cunt and part of the reason weíd stopped seeing each other. Got tired of her pussy stank on his dick every time he showed up at my door for cash or ass.

? James Issac ?
Jesus, I knew you were too immature to leave it alone.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Immature? Thatís fucking rich coming from you. Sheís a pimple on the labia of life, why the fuck would you bring her with you on tour?

Before I realized what was happening his fingers were dug into my arm and my back was up against the wall. Maybe if I would have been paying more attention I could have kept my head from slapping into the wall with the force of the movement but it caught me off guard and I didnít. So I stood there trying to see past the sudden pain as his fingers were dug into the bare skin of my arms hard enough to bruise. I knew he just didnít realize that I wasnít ready for him to move me against the wall, and he also probably didnít realize how hard he was gripping my arms. It was my fault for not paying better attention so that I didnít fucking hurt myself, James wouldnít ever really hurt me – not on purpose. I caught sight of motion in the open doorway of the room but as soon as my eyes focused on the space whoever it had been was already gone. Nosey cunts.

? James Issac ?
Are you telling me what to do, Noelle?

Shit. Even with my brain buzzing I knew better than to try to boss him around. James was the kind of guy that would do the exact opposite just because it was against what I had wanted him to do. Didnít matter if he didnít want to do it either, it was the principal of the shit, you know? He leaned his body weight forward, jamming his knee hard directly into my crotch to spread my legs wider for him as he sunk closer into me.

? James Issac ?
I donít give a fuck that youíre some big shot fighter on TV now. You donít get to tell me what to do. Say youíre sorry.

? Noelle Rivers ?
Iím sorry.

? James Issac ?
Make me believe it.

He released my right arm, looking down his body between us as his free hand finding the button on the top of my pants. Fuck, I didnít want to do this in the apartment with JJ and Asher in the next room.

? Noelle Rivers ?
James the dooó

? James Issac ?
Fuck the door. Let them see.

? Noelle Rivers ?
I donít want to do this.

The zipper was all the way down now while we began working on his own, nuzzling my neck while he did it and ignoring the words coming out of my mouth. Itís so fucking bizarre how you can love someone, want someone, but also dread the thought of them touching you. My heart ached when I looked into his eyes even if his hand exploring my body made my skin want to crawl off my bones. Someone cleared their throat sharply behind us in the doorway, James abruptly let me go, keeping his back turned while he situated himself to be presentable.

? JJ Starfire ?
So yeah I mean, uhh, Coach asked for you to come downstairs now..

? James Issac ?
Weíve got a long drive to the next stop anyway.

James turned on his heel brushing past JJ in the doorway as I followed him through the living room to the front door. Asher was gone from the couch which was a small blessing. I couldnít handle his fucking commentary right now, Iíd rather choke on a string of used anal beads. James reached for the handle of the front door,
pulling it open and stepping into the empty space of the doorframe. He leaned over and pressed his lips against my cheek bidding me farewell while his hand snaked my last thirty dollars from my pocket.