Touchy Pheely

By: Ophelia Pain

Writing Prompt: Yes

Date: 14th Nov 2021

I sat back and looked out the window at the raindrops falling on the glass. I let my hands and phone fall into my lap and heave a heavy sigh.

You know if we go to Athens, we’ll have to get the hell out of the country before they find their bodies…

Yeah, but if we go to Connecticut, we won’t have to worry about being extridited to Greece on international murder charges…plus we’d be being good friends to Tara…

You’re right…nothing screams my personality trait like ‘good friend’…

Involuntarily, my eyes rolled…giving her more control over The Body was becoming more and more annoying. She was taking a little more control every day and fighting her was getting exhausting…

Yeah well being trapped in our head isn’t exactly a picnic…

Don’t get it twisted…YOU are in MY head…and you’re not trapped anymore…I let you out…

Not when it matters…

Are you kidding?! I let you out always when it matters!!

Yeah, but you’re the one getting laid all the time…I just sit back and watch…

Ugh…you watch?!

The fuck else am I supposed to do?!

A chill crept up my spine at the thought. I looked back at my phone screen and tapped on the flight to Connecticut. I would deal with Cashe when the time was right…plus I wouldn’t want to deny Lewis his shot to try out his new moves and that Bitch List alumni…

And according to the card, we get to handle his green bean casserole…

Don’t disrespect green bean casserole like that…it at least it has some flavor and value…

It’s still a side dish…

If we’re going to compare her to something on the side, she can be nursing home mashed potatoes…

Or Greek food…it tastes and smells like a dirty armpit…

I smiled and chuckled at her jab as I started grabbing stuff to throw into my backpack. I heard the door open to see Bho walk in wrapped in a crisp, fluffy white towel. She started applying lotion to her shapely legs and I was momentarily distracted…

Whatcha doin?

Packing…

For what?

Jason cheated on Tara…

So you’re going to murder him?

I laughed loudly at her comment. She know as well as LC does at this point…

No…I’m going Connecticut to be with Tara…she needs me more than I need blood right now.

You’re so sweet…

I scrunched up my nose and blew her a kiss. I zipped up my bag, dipped for a smooch, and walked out of the bedroom. Lewis and Tilly were slinging insults as they played Super Smash Brothers in the living room…Lewis turned to me, swollen lip and black eye, and smiled…

You leavin me?

Only for a day or two…

Doesn’t seem like you know how to leave your husband…

Well you’re the first husband I’ve ever had sooooo…

So maybe you shouldn’t leave me?

I wasn’t planning on being gone for very long…

Oh my GOD get a room or choose your fighter! Damn!

Oh I’m sorry…does our love annoy you?

Little bit…

So it would be a shame if I-

I collapsed onto his lap and stuck my tongue down his throat, vigorously running my hands through his hair, and moaning very animatedly…

Ew! Oh my god!! You guys are disgusting!!

I love you! I’ll miss you! Mmmmmwahmwahmwahmwahmwahmwah!!

Lewis leaned back and just let it happen to him, laughing while I mauled him. Tilly was kicking at us and yelling her disgust. Once I had had enough of torturing her, I stood up off Lewis’ lap…

Walk me to the car?

Sure babe…stay put, nerd…I’m not done with you…

Hurry back so I can keep kicking your ass!

Tilly! Watch your mouth!

She rolled her eyes as Lewis stood up, took my hand, and walked outside with me…I explained what happened and where I was going in the few steps it took to get down the porch steps…

Never liked that bitch…

And you called it way before anyone else did…maybe people will start taking The Bitch List a little more seriously now…

I’m not gonna hold my breath…

So I’m gonna go to Connecticut to be with Tara…I won’t be gone long…Brussel sprouts herself bought a fight for The Brooklyn Championship at Venom next week…gotta be sharp…

Just be safe please.

I will babe…don’t let Til kill herself please and make sure Mo stays out of my Oreos…

There’s Oreos?!

I love you…

Seriously….where are the Oreos?

I rolled my eyes and smooched him. I turned to walk away when he grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards him into a bear hug. He kissed my forehead and grabbed my butt. I tilted my head up for one more kiss and he obliged. I turned and walked toward the towncar sitting in the driveway. The driver opened the door for me and I tossed my bag in. I turned around and blew LC a kiss before I got in.

Before pulling away, I rolled down the window…

They’re in the nightstand behind the paddle and the heart shaped collar!

He gestured excitedly and smooched the air in my direction. I laughed and rolled the window back up. I sighed and leaned back against the seat…

The ride to the airport and the flight were incredibly uneventful…aside from the random pictures with fans at the airport and at Taco Bell once I got to Connecticut…we pulled up to a house and I checked my phone. I handed a few bills to the driver, grabbed my bags, and got out. It was a little chillier than I was prepared for, so I was hoping she would answer the door quickly. I walked up the pathway through the meticulously kept yard and knocked on the door.

It took a few moments for the door opened, but when it did, I was greeted by my mildly annoyed blue haired best friend…

Pheely?

Surprise!!! Lemme in! Its fucking cold out here!

What are you doing here?!

Bitch did you now hear me say its cold out here?!

Oh yeah…sorry…

She pulled the door open and let me scamper passed her. I dropped my stuff on her table by the door and pulled her into a hug.

Ugh…you’re too perky this early in the day…

Early? Tara its almost 4:30…

Oh…I must’ve lost track of time…

Doing what? Not showering or getting dressed?

Shut up…

I’m here because you need me…

It’s not that I don’t appreciate you being here, but-

Good! Want some tacos?

Ew…

Ew?! Who the fuck “ew”s Taco Bell?!

A sane person?

Okay…well come over here and sit with me while I eat…

I heard her sigh as I scampered to her dining room…her slippers scraped across the floor behind me. I saw Edwards toys strewn across the living room and a few suitcases still sitting in the hallway…a faint burnt smell lingered in the air, but its a nice house. I tossed my backpack into the living room and tossed my food on the table.

Coffee?

I can make a pot…

No no…sit down…I got it…

I started tinkering around her kitchen looking for stuff to make coffee. She sat down at the table and let her head fall into her hands. I turned around and looked at her…

Tara…

Look…I know what you’re here to say and honestly, I’ve heard it from enough people this week…I just want to be unhappy and alone…it’s good practice for the rest of my life…

I stopped and walked over to hug her…I folded my arms around her and she hugged me back…

You don’t know me very well if you think I’d just come all this way to say ‘I told you so’…I could have called you for that…you’re my friend…and I care about you. I don’t want you to sit here and be alone…

Sabin’s here…

Is he good company through a breakup?

She sat for a moment in thought…

Good point…

Tara…look…its completely normal to be sad after a breakup. It’s fine to be blah…but you’re blah over Jason Cashe. Lemme repeat that…Jason………….Cashe…….is who you’re upset over…

Yeah? And?

And…..you’re upset over SPAM when there is a sea of Filet Mignon out there waiting for you! I mean, I would completely get it if it were James Raven or Damon Riggs, but Jesus Christ T…Jason Cashe is someone you sleep with and keep it a secret because you were drunk and YOU don’t even want to remember…not someone you mope over in a bathrobe with unwashed hair…

You didn’t know him like I did, Pheelz…

You’re right…I didn’t know him like you did…but I DO know he’s a shitbag piece of shit. Lewis is an excellent judge of character…

I just-

Just nothing Tara…now that slab of salty cheap meat can enjoy spending time with his oyster casserole and they can both suck together!

But Pheelz-

Tara!! Its over! He chose his jello salad! Baby you are macaroni and cheese with bacon! You are delicious on your own! Let him have mashed cauliflower!!

Okay! I get it!

Are you sure? I’ve got like 87 more gross side dishes I can name?

No…no I’m good…

Good…lets get you dressed and go do something!

Pheelz I really don’t-

Not an option…you have a sancutary right? Lets go feed your babies!!

I’m not in the-

Tara! You’re not going to sit in this house with the curtains drawn being sad over that limp wang!!

She groaned loudly as I yanked her chair out from under the table and prodded her towards her bedroom to get dressed…

I understood why she was upset. It’s not like I hadn’t had my share of breakups. But I refuse to let her mope over some dry chicken and frozen broccoli. She was an absolute star and badass. I wasn’t going to give up until she remembered how intensly amazing she is.

A few hours more of prodding and arguing with her, she and I were out snapping some pictures with the piglets, tossing feed to the goats, and trying not to get killed by the mean ass goose she keeps in a pen by itself…

I told you she’s not friendly, Mrs. “I’m-The-Animal-Whisperer”!

I have tamed so many mean geese! What the hell is her problem?

Tara laughed as she pulled the first aid kit from a cabinet in the barn. She covered my goose bites with band-aids…

Kiss them and make them feel better?

Quit trying to make me a member of your harem, Ophelia…

C’mon! We need a spunky blue haired girl!

I think you and Bho are plenty spunky..

You took a harmless joke and made it gross…shame on you…

Your poor virgin ears…

We laughed and I adjusted the sleeves on my hoodie. Unextectedly, when I turned, Tara was hugging me. I’m so rarely caught by a surprise hug that I wasn’t sure what to do with my arms at first. I hugged her back tightly and felt her rest her head on my shoulder…

Thank you…

For what?

For pulling my head out of my ass…

Nah…you would have done it on your own…I’m just impatient.

I grinned and smooched her cheek, before hugging her again. To not allow the moment to turn too touchy Pheely (see what I did there?), I shook her vigorously side to side. She yelled her displeasure, which egged me on to shake her harder. When I finally let her go, I was hit with a thought that made my heart stop a little bit. My smile must have slipped and ever the observant one, Tara narrowed her eyes at me…

Whats wrong?

Oh…nothing…I just…I just thought about something…

And?

And what?

What were you thinking about?

I bit my lip…

Don’t you fucking dare…not now! Not while we’re on top of the world! I will ruin your life Ophelia Pain…

I’m ruining just fine on my own…

Shut up, Murder! Pheely…what’s going on?

No! Don’t! Ophelia! This is just a passing thought! Don’t even entertain the thought!

Ophelia! What is wrong?!

I feel like I’m ruining my life trying to be someone I’m not…

Meaning?

I’m not a mean person…I’m not hateful…I can’t do this anymore…

You’re not making any sense…

I think for the first time in a long time, I feel clairity…I feel like I know what I want…and I’m not going to find that in the ring…

So you’re quitting?

Not quitting…just…taking a step back…I don’t think I want to fight anymore…my niece is growing up without the only mother she’s ever known…I haven’t seen or spoken to Jeffree since the reception…I have a husband and woman that I’d like to make my wife…I can’t focus on my cosmetic empire, my family, and being a fighter anymore…something’s gotta give…

And you’re giving up wrestling?

Not giving it up…it’s always going to be a huge part of my life. Everything I have I owe to the squared circle. Without wrestling, I don’t think I would have gotten clean…without wrestling, I wouldn’t have met Lewis…without wrestling, I wouldn’t have the people that I call family. But I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not anymore…I’m not the kind of person that can look down on people that are doing nothing but their jobs…I can’t pick fights with people that are just trying to get a rise out of me…

I’m in my 30s Tara…I just want some peace…and I think the way to get that….is to give up my title…and walk away…

Ophelia…I…I don’t know what to say…

You don’t have to say anything…just…just be the friend I need and tell me I deserve to be happy…I deserve peace…I deserve to be the person that I am…the kind, funny, and giving person that I am…

Pheelz…you deserve to be happy. You are a good person and I want the best for you…

My eyes filled with tears…I hugged her and smiled, feeling the tears spill onto my cheeks…

————————————————————————————————

I am not a mean spirited person. I have a difficult time trying to find faults in people without trying even harder to find the good in them. That makes me feel like a bad person…there is some redeeming qualities for everyone…

Even dry well done steaks and their gross bottle of licorice flavored crap…I’m sure Atara has some good qualities and I will continue to try to find them. As I will with everyone else…but continuing to watch Twitter, TV, or read the tabloids about their behavior takes me away from the people that need me…Tilly, Lewis, Bho, Walter, Mo….everyone in my life needs me so much more than the person looking across the ring from me. And I need them more than I need the person looking across the ring from me…

I can’t deny my soft heart any longer. I can’t deny the fact that I’m not the cold blooded douche canoe that I want to be…

I’m that douche canoe…

Yes you are…you’re also just a terrible voice in my head that tells me that I’m not good enough no matter how hard I try. If I’m stuck with her in my head constantly, why do I need other people that know me even less than She does telling me the same thing? I want to be a better person…I want to get my shit together and be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see…and as of right now I don’t…

So with all of that being said…consider this my official statement of retirement. I will hand off my belt to Atara Temis not because I think she deserves it more…but because I don’t want to waste the energy fighting someone that provides nothing good or peaceful to my life…

So congratulations Atty…for now…